Bad Lands

"It is perfectly possible for a man to be out of prison, and yet not free - to be under no physical constraint and yet to be a psychological captive"

- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World




Well, somebody left positive feedback:

I appreciate that. Hell, I like almost any comments. My stat counter shows that I get a lot of people reading my blog, but I never have written about that til now because I don't want to scare people off if they are worried I somehow know who they are and so on.

Anyway, comments usually make me write more. I kind of fell into a slump there last motnh where I just wasn't interested in writing and had so much to say that I didn't know where to start.

Also I've been reticent because I've told a couple of friends about my blog and I've gotten some regular readers, who contact me, so now I feel semi-self conscious about what I write. But I think I need to work on changing that, and on just being open about being me. What else am I going to do, go underground and start another blog from scratch and don't tell anyone about it?

I've also told a couple of friends about my problem, but not about my blog. Interestingly, talking about it and explaining it, really helped me realize what it really was. Until that moment it was just a big blur of lust and attraction and pining away for women and the thrill of the chase and of being the James Bond of Casanovas and alter egos. But describing it made it much more clear and compartmentalized. It made it easier to see my prob more simply and from afar.



I had a really bad day the other day. I should have written about it. I met this really cute chick, fairly skinny and tall (5'10"), with giant natural boobs. A side note here - 'skinny' doesn't mean good or better. And 'big boobs' doesn't mean good or better. Nor does tall. Skinny with big boobs is just one of the many enjoyable flavors of women. Other days I like (meaning, "cruise for porn for," or use my archives) big, thick women with BIG asses and big natural tits, big thighs and soft tummies, a slight double chin and chubby cheeks. Other days I'm interested in girls with tiny tits and big butts (a tip here for the hunters: Latins). Other days, skinny girls with little fried egg titties, A-cups or smaller. And what I personally never like are fake boobs. The more obviously fake, the more I dislike them.

Just for fun here's a list before I get back on topic. I'd attach pictures but that's kind of a hassle right now, what with Hello™ keeping a history of uploaded pics (this creates a security risk for me with the wife). These are all porn stars, I won't list personal acquaintances and objects of affection of mine:

• Big tits, big ass: Laura Lion, Christie Parks, Gabrielle Banks, Ornelia, Gina Vice, Sierra, Olivia O'Lovely, Loni, Fawnna, Dina Jewel, Jade Darling, Scotti Andrews, Tera Patrick, Tianna Lynn, Destiny, Rebecca Bardoux, Misty Mendez, Mallory Knots
  
  
• Small tits, big ass: Kaylynn, Kaylee, Dana Vespoli, Lana Sands, Tabitha, Jasmine Byrne, Jasmine Lynn, Lauren Phoenix, Ashley Long, Tolly Crystal, Olivia Saint, Alex Dane, Genevieve, Vanessa Rubec, Malaysia, Blair Segal, Nikita Denise, Brianna Blaze, Britini Bi, Bridget Powerz aka Bridget the Midget, Crystal Ray before she lost weight, Dru Berrymore, Fiona Cheeks, early Francesca Le [you got it - boob job :( ], Gia Regency, Haley Banks, Inari, Jade Marx, Jayna Oso, Sabrina Jayde, Gisselle, Shayla Heart, Selena Silver, Elizabeth Lawrence, Sandy Style, Roxanne Hall, Shelbee Myne, Sky Lopez, Stephanie Swift, Tavalia, Taylor Moore, Teagan, Leannie Lei, Precious, Papillion, Nikki Dial, early Nici Sterling, Monique Demoan, Nautica Binx, Lena Ramon(e), Karen Kam
  
  
• Small tits, small ass: Eva Lux, Katie Gold, Candy Apples, Allysin Chaynes pre-boob job (what a shame), Celeste Masters (another shamefully ruined pair of A-cups), Bridgette Kerkove pre-boob job (another shame), Claudia Adkins, Lena Juliette, Apen Brock, Mariah, Autumn Haze, Ashley Moore, Vanessa Chase, Brandy Lyons, Chandler, Debi Diamond, Daisy Dukes, Melissa Milano, Donna Marie, Donna Warner, Dynomite, Felony, Fiona Bones, Fiona Love, Tami Ann, Sabrina Johnson, Shelby Belle, Spring Thomas, Syren, Taylore Rain, Jenna Haze, Kacey Buy, Kimi Gi, Jeannie Rivers, April Flowers
  
  
• Big natural tits, small ass: Laura Sparkle (I hope those aren't fake). I can't think of any other porn girls that fit this category. I can think of a few in real life, though.
  
  
• Girls with fake tits I can deal with because they have big butts: Kiki Daire, Shyla Stylez, Ava Devine, Fujiko Kano, Bella Donna, Bamboo, Kianna Dior, Brianna Banks, Candy Cotton, Candy Roxxx, Davia Ardell, Donita Dunes, Francesca Le,Harley Raines, Heather Lee, Houston, Ryan Conner, Raylene, Latia Lopez, Mercedes, Kristi Myst, Krystal Steale
  

Anyway, back to my bad day. This new chick seemed really into me. In an earlier post I wrote,

The other one is really interesting. She gave me her yahoo messenger screenname, and I typed that name into Yahoo Profiles and saw her profile, on which she had a link to her blog, which had her real name and place of work and pictures of her parents and sister and so on. It's like she hides nothing. Very strange.

Her profile states that she's not the one, if you're looking for love. She says she just wants to experiment but I can't believe she's not bombarded with tons of guys of all ages trying to fuck her.

I feel kind of threatened in a way because I'm 35 and not exactly up on all the things a 22 year old would know about, which is pretty much the latest bands and styles and slang. Not being into the same bands is no big deal but not ever having heard of a big-name modern band is kind of a black mark against ya. Not being up on style is a bigger no-no, and not knowing current slang, or using old slang, people can find that weird. It just shows how much older you really are.

So now I feel weird 'studying up' on what the world is like for younger hipsters, because

1. I like to be myself
2. I don't like to feel like everything I do is contrived
3. It's crazy thinking that I'm old, because I still feel like I'm 23 in many ways.

1. I think if I'm just myself she'll dig it more, but that takes a lot of balls. You have to be prepared for people to not "get" you, especially younger people, at which point you lose them.

I find her intriguing because, why would she openly give out personal info to guys she meets on an adult personals site? I wonder whether she just knows it's unlikely that many will come by her work and stalk her, or whether she doesn't care, or what.


Well, she stopped responding to me on messenger. That was the first bad thing.

The second thing was, I had contacted this guy on a BDSM porn forum who posted some really good stuff. I had emailed him asking whether he wanted to trade porn via FTP. He wrote back and included a giant, INCREDIBLY organized spreadsheet listing what he had. I mean this guy had exact file size, Production Company, "line," content, movie name, you name it. Amazing. And he had tons of large and/or complete movies! Amazing. The holy grail of porn. Anyway, he said he'd love to trade and that he didn't even really care about whether I sent him as much as I downloaded, just that we both got some stuff off each other. Sweet! Anyway I wrote back and then didn't hear anything from him. I did notice he was posting porn links on the forum though. What the fuck?

The final bad thing, I contacted this local chick about camera stuff - I didn't even want to hook up with her. I could tell she was about 45-50 years old and a nice person. For over 20 years she had been a professional news photographer so I wanted to pick her brain. Everything was going great, we were responding via email back and forth. I used a fake name so she and the other people on the camera forums wouldn't do an internet search for me and find out who I was and so on. No big deal. Also I can post whatever I want and look like an ass and not care.

So everything's going great, and I'm thinking, I can really learn from this chick. I hadn't mentioned that I was married, not sure why. I always do that, too. I wrote about it earlier when I said something about how I never tell women I'm married even if I'm not really trying to get something going with them, and that I do it because I think they won't have anything to do with me if they think I'm not single.

Another noteworthy point is that, remember that chick I wrote about who is an Emmy-winning news producer? I asked this new chick whether she knew her and she said Yeah, she's one of my faves, give her my regards. So I'm thinking, cool, this new chick must know I'm for real... except, what if she calls the first chick and that one says "He claimed he was working, whaddya mean he's not working right now?" or "He said his name was (real name)" and so on. So now I'm a little worried about the whole thing.

Anyway, things were going well, and then I asked whether she wanted to meet and talk and that I wasn't trying to come onto her or be a sleaze. She didn't respond, so I wrote back, hey, I really am just trying to b.s. about camera stuff, not be a sleaze, I hope you didn't make you uncomfortable, and if you want, let's just be friends over email and let me pick your brain from time to time. She wrote back, ok, cool, yes I did feel a little uncomfortable, but thanks for straightening that out. Then she continues, so, tell me more about yourself, what's your job, etc, married, kids, etc?

I was really at a crossroads and I decided, why not, I'll tell her the truth. So, I write back, yes, I thought I told you already that I'm married and that's why I said I wasn't trying to be a sleaze or trying to hit on you. One kid, here's a pic of the kid, here's the kid's name, here's what my wife does for a living and here's her first name, blah blah. I just yakked on, and then asked some specific questions about pro photography since I'm interested. Signed, Your Friend, (fake name) (same name I use at motels, hehe).

No reply. But she's posting to the forums. Wtf? Maybe she's working on a long reply for me.

I wait a few days, then write back, "Did you get my lengthy reply?"

No reponse. What the fuck?? It's like all I am good at is picking up chicks, not making friends with them.

Anyway all three people were blowing me off - 22 year old, big porn stash guy, and camera chick.



More to follow, in fact, I've started roughing out an answer to the question about how I get around the women bereft of intelligence and/or personality, the reality television and nail polish yappers.