I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
You always call me
And ask me how I make it through the day
I'm always fallin'
I guess it's just God's way of making me pay
But something makes me carry on
It's difficult to understand, why I always wanna fly
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
When I, I wonder why I try
And I, I wonder why I bother
And I, I wonder why I cry
Why I, I go through all this trouble
I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle
Thursday, November 25, 2004
Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Changes
What's interesting is the effect it's had on my sex life. Not just how it ruined it with my wife, but how it opened my horizons - and changed what I saw there. I used to find certain things were unappealing to say the least. Or they just had no erotic value for me whatsoever. I had no interest in a girl sucking on a guy's balls, and a hesitant and morbid curiosity in S&M/BDSM/DS. Now I have refined my likes/dislikes to the point where not only are my tastes broader, but they are also more intricate. Now I have distinct preferences for the way a girl kneels when she blows me, where her hands are, etc. If I'm doing a girl from behind and I am holding her head or hair, only certain ways appeal to me. I don't like missionary, unless I (or the guy in the porn) am standing next to the bed (or whatever furniture she's on). I don't like reverse cowgirl. I don't like piledriver. I love seeing a girl's asshole move as the ridge at the head of a guy's cock slides out. And so on.
Another effect it's had on me is physiologically. I have never had a problem whacking off seven times a day, even just to magazines when I was in my teens, pre-internet. I didn't focus on being turned on or even having a strong erection, just on stimulating myself (this includes mentally, in fact, it is mostly mental) to orgasm. Because I have at least one ejaculation a day (in the shower), and usually a few (before she comes home, when she is upstairs, when she is asleep, etc.), I believe this has worked my reproductive system into a highly developed state. You see, when my wife was having trouble conceiving, we went to the hospital and had my sperm count and motility rate (percentage of active swimmers) checked. I wasn't supposed to ejaculate for 2-3 days prior to the appointment but I wasn't able to make it. I think 24 hours was the best I could muster. When we came back to get our results, the hospital staff were shocked. Normal motility rate is 20-35%. I was at 94%. Normal count is 20-30 million as well. Mine, 510 million.
We started artificial insemination, so I went to the hospital a few times to "collect a specimen," aka whack off in the semi-decorated storage closet. A couple times they reported to my wife what my count and percentage were, and they were always high. I even went once a few hours after whacking off, and my numbers were still phenomenal.
On our last trip to that hospital, I forgot my driver's license. This is a big deal, since they are not allowed to collect your sperm without proof of i.d. Meanwhile my wife had been giving herself one month's worth of painful shots of strong and damaging hormones that really took a toll on her body, and was in another clinic across town, waiting for them to prep my specimen and do their part. All this work for nothing, I was so disappointed and I knew some major shit would hit the fan. I turned to the nurse who was handing me the specimen cup and apologized and said I had wasted everyone's time and money since I forgot my i.d. She smiled and said, "It's ok. We know who you are."
"You do?"
"Oh yes. You're our champion around here."
I was elated. I felt like I was a real man, and was really good at something. I was certainly potent, no-one could argue with that. Virile was a different story, I mean, it's hard to maintain a rock-hard erection after I've been whacking off for what averages out to literally about every 3 hours for the past 20 years.
When she didn't become pregnant even with IUI (intrauterine insemination), it was time for in vitro fertilization, so we went to a really badass fertility specialist. He learned about fertility medicine under the tutelage of the guy who invented test tube babies. He told us that my sperm count and motility rate couldn't possibly be that high, and that it was just lab techs who checked it before, not anyone really skilled. When I went into his "special room," it was a far cry from the storage closet. It was like a cheesy bachelor pad, complete with plastic trees on both sides of the black naugahyde couch. There was a tiny television that seemed like the size of the first Macintosh computers, with a built-in VCR. He had videos out the yin-yang, and it was scary how many of the scenes I recognized. You see, when it comes to internet porn, there are a lot of "samples" out there of clips of mainstream porn movies, ranging from 15 seconds to a minute or two. You can find longer clips but usually you have to find these peer-to-peer, via Kazaa or Filedonkey or bittorrent, etc. Anyway, I got to see Tammi Ann in a terrific anal scene I had wanted to see for 8 years, and a strap-on lesbo scene I had wondered about from Butt Sisters Do Daytona.
At $30,000 a whack (pardon the pun) it was the most expensive porn on the planet.
When the doctor got my results, he told my wife "Don't tell your husband or he'll get a swelled head, but, he has a 95% motility rate and his count was over 500 million!" Niggaplease. I could have told you that.
Another effect it's had on me is physiologically. I have never had a problem whacking off seven times a day, even just to magazines when I was in my teens, pre-internet. I didn't focus on being turned on or even having a strong erection, just on stimulating myself (this includes mentally, in fact, it is mostly mental) to orgasm. Because I have at least one ejaculation a day (in the shower), and usually a few (before she comes home, when she is upstairs, when she is asleep, etc.), I believe this has worked my reproductive system into a highly developed state. You see, when my wife was having trouble conceiving, we went to the hospital and had my sperm count and motility rate (percentage of active swimmers) checked. I wasn't supposed to ejaculate for 2-3 days prior to the appointment but I wasn't able to make it. I think 24 hours was the best I could muster. When we came back to get our results, the hospital staff were shocked. Normal motility rate is 20-35%. I was at 94%. Normal count is 20-30 million as well. Mine, 510 million.
We started artificial insemination, so I went to the hospital a few times to "collect a specimen," aka whack off in the semi-decorated storage closet. A couple times they reported to my wife what my count and percentage were, and they were always high. I even went once a few hours after whacking off, and my numbers were still phenomenal.
On our last trip to that hospital, I forgot my driver's license. This is a big deal, since they are not allowed to collect your sperm without proof of i.d. Meanwhile my wife had been giving herself one month's worth of painful shots of strong and damaging hormones that really took a toll on her body, and was in another clinic across town, waiting for them to prep my specimen and do their part. All this work for nothing, I was so disappointed and I knew some major shit would hit the fan. I turned to the nurse who was handing me the specimen cup and apologized and said I had wasted everyone's time and money since I forgot my i.d. She smiled and said, "It's ok. We know who you are."
"You do?"
"Oh yes. You're our champion around here."
I was elated. I felt like I was a real man, and was really good at something. I was certainly potent, no-one could argue with that. Virile was a different story, I mean, it's hard to maintain a rock-hard erection after I've been whacking off for what averages out to literally about every 3 hours for the past 20 years.
When she didn't become pregnant even with IUI (intrauterine insemination), it was time for in vitro fertilization, so we went to a really badass fertility specialist. He learned about fertility medicine under the tutelage of the guy who invented test tube babies. He told us that my sperm count and motility rate couldn't possibly be that high, and that it was just lab techs who checked it before, not anyone really skilled. When I went into his "special room," it was a far cry from the storage closet. It was like a cheesy bachelor pad, complete with plastic trees on both sides of the black naugahyde couch. There was a tiny television that seemed like the size of the first Macintosh computers, with a built-in VCR. He had videos out the yin-yang, and it was scary how many of the scenes I recognized. You see, when it comes to internet porn, there are a lot of "samples" out there of clips of mainstream porn movies, ranging from 15 seconds to a minute or two. You can find longer clips but usually you have to find these peer-to-peer, via Kazaa or Filedonkey or bittorrent, etc. Anyway, I got to see Tammi Ann in a terrific anal scene I had wanted to see for 8 years, and a strap-on lesbo scene I had wondered about from Butt Sisters Do Daytona.
At $30,000 a whack (pardon the pun) it was the most expensive porn on the planet.
When the doctor got my results, he told my wife "Don't tell your husband or he'll get a swelled head, but, he has a 95% motility rate and his count was over 500 million!" Niggaplease. I could have told you that.
My first known reader
Oh my god I can't believe I got a comment. That sounds like a teenage girl who is amazed that one of the guys in her favorite band looked her way in the midst of a giant concert, so I am sure I will regret that statement someday. But I am really surprised. I didn't think anyone would ever even find this thing.
I also didn't expect anyone to give a shit. I have felt like I am all alone on this crazy ship; granted, I have gotten to know the ship really well. Without beating the analogy to death, I know every nut, bolt, and plank, as well as learning more and more about how to navigate. How to hide stuff better and better, how to find really good shit, how to find really rare shit, etc. How to organize my shit, how to take notes so that I don't forget where the good shit was, etc. How to clear out my clipboard buffer, and that I like to hold off on coming for hours so I can shoot a huge load. All sorts of unexpected stuff.
I am not even sure where I'm going. But I am a realist, and I knew long ago that one way or another, sooner or later, I'd be caught. It is inevitable. Even a 1/10th of 1% chance means that 1 time out of 1,000, you're fucked.
I also didn't expect anyone to give a shit. I have felt like I am all alone on this crazy ship; granted, I have gotten to know the ship really well. Without beating the analogy to death, I know every nut, bolt, and plank, as well as learning more and more about how to navigate. How to hide stuff better and better, how to find really good shit, how to find really rare shit, etc. How to organize my shit, how to take notes so that I don't forget where the good shit was, etc. How to clear out my clipboard buffer, and that I like to hold off on coming for hours so I can shoot a huge load. All sorts of unexpected stuff.
I am not even sure where I'm going. But I am a realist, and I knew long ago that one way or another, sooner or later, I'd be caught. It is inevitable. Even a 1/10th of 1% chance means that 1 time out of 1,000, you're fucked.
Saturday, November 20, 2004
I can't believe it's come to this
Midnight and I feel like there's nobody I can talk to about this. And I'm creating a fucking blog, of all things. My relationship with my wife is worse than ever. I avoid her more than ever, which makes her even more pissed at me, which makes me avoid her even more.
I have to think I have the largest collection of porn anyone has amassed anywhere. If I do the math it works out to hours a day of culling what I want off the internet, for almost 10 years. Sometimes it's one picture at a time, sometimes I use one program or another to download a page full of files. Sometimes I find a stolen password online and pillage pay sites for quality shit. "Quality shit;" I sound like a junkie. Which is ironic.
I have refined my technique over the years. Now I save files in folders for easy sorting later, which sometimes I get around to doing. If I find a really good site and plan to go back later and get more - which I almost always seem to get distracted away doing - then I reference the site title, page number, and content, in the folder name. This makes it very easy to see where I left off, and avoids duplicates, which take up hard drive space.
I also make text files with lists of great links I want to explore later. I rarely get around to doing it. It's funny that until this moment I have never really confronted the idea that there are all these loose ends. The idea is always in the back of my head when I make a new list, or start surfing for porn, but there is all this fresh new porn in front of me, so it's hard to stop and browse back to one of my many unfinished to-do lists.
Just how large is my collection? About 170 gigabytes. A little over 200,000 pictures and movies, in around 5,000 folders.
Some of those are temporary folders and files. See, it's useful to save the actual thumbnailed pics
representing the movies a page offers. That way, you can quickly and easily see what the movies in that folder are. But when you save an entire page full of media, you also get the little garbage files that have all the other graphics and so on, from the page. 
I delete those later, when I get around to it. I can probably cull out about 10,000 files and 2,000 folders. It's really not that hard to do, just a lot of work. You find a file named "pixel.gif" or "spacer.gif" or "join.gif", used for page layout or something, and you just search your hard drive for all instances of that, in your porn collection. 538 instances? Delete. And so on.
Anyway, I am probably boring you now, so I am going to go sort some porn.
I have to think I have the largest collection of porn anyone has amassed anywhere. If I do the math it works out to hours a day of culling what I want off the internet, for almost 10 years. Sometimes it's one picture at a time, sometimes I use one program or another to download a page full of files. Sometimes I find a stolen password online and pillage pay sites for quality shit. "Quality shit;" I sound like a junkie. Which is ironic.
I have refined my technique over the years. Now I save files in folders for easy sorting later, which sometimes I get around to doing. If I find a really good site and plan to go back later and get more - which I almost always seem to get distracted away doing - then I reference the site title, page number, and content, in the folder name. This makes it very easy to see where I left off, and avoids duplicates, which take up hard drive space.
I also make text files with lists of great links I want to explore later. I rarely get around to doing it. It's funny that until this moment I have never really confronted the idea that there are all these loose ends. The idea is always in the back of my head when I make a new list, or start surfing for porn, but there is all this fresh new porn in front of me, so it's hard to stop and browse back to one of my many unfinished to-do lists.
Just how large is my collection? About 170 gigabytes. A little over 200,000 pictures and movies, in around 5,000 folders.
Some of those are temporary folders and files. See, it's useful to save the actual thumbnailed pics
Anyway, I am probably boring you now, so I am going to go sort some porn.
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