Pushing

I've really been pushing myself too hard. I've been doing pretty well lately - I think. I'm not sure, but I think.

Lately I have no interest in sex. None. I can hardly beat off. Wtf??

I've been seeing this girl, my friend's baby's mama. It's fun but we're definitely not a match, about our beliefs, personalities, or in bed. But it's exciting. She has probably the nicest breasts of any girl I've ever been with. She looks like a real life version of Tomb Raider, several months after having a kid of course, so she's not fantasy-perfect but pretty damn close.

She's slim, Mexican, very pretty face, long thick black hair, and has huge round natural tits. Good gracious it's ridiculous. It's recockulous! Anyway it took me a few months to get with her. I wasn't really trying to fuck her, just suck on her tits and stuff, but it ended up that we're kinda dating right now.

She lives in the ghettoest of the ghetto. People stare at me and my car because I stick out like a sore thumb. Leaving her apartment in South Central in the middle of the night I feel like the white cop with the latin ghetto mistress in the cop movies.

I've fucked her TWICE without a condom. It's really scary. At the time I think to myself, "Welp, this is the end of life as I know it." And I say goodbye to my wife and current living situation as if they're leaving on a ship and it's beyond my control. But I was watching Dexter (the show) the other night and his sponsor told him something like "You call yourself a monster so you don't have to try." I think I do the same thing. So I won't be fucking her bareback any more. Anyhow I barely even wanted to.

I also met this other girl online. It was theoretically a great booty-call situation. But she was weird and didn't turn me on. It really took the shine off the fantasy of having someone as my booty call, which is a good thing I think. I wonder whether it was me, her, or both.

Anyway I've dusted off my old business and am in the process of raising investment capital for it. I've raised $100,000 so far. I only need about $300k-400k to get going, but I'm shooting for around $1 million. It's tough though. I feel like less than my so-called peers because despite my, modesty aside, amazing ability to talk to people convincingly and persuasively, and despite my lifetime of knowledge in my industry, my brains, my credentials, my contacts, and my ideas, here I am with a (currently) 601 credit score, off-and-on work history, and although people assume I have at least one degree, I have not even a high school diploma.

I read these bio's on other people in my position or similar ones, and most of the time it mentions places they've worked for years, what colleges they attended, etc. I do notice when people are covering up, like "_____ has worked as a high-level industry insider since 1993," or, "has held a number of executive positions with various companies," but most of them seem to have at least gone to college. Or I notice the rare ones who haven't gone to college, "majored in Engineering at Cal Poly Pomona." (note: doesn't say graduated)

So, I dunno. But I get distracted. I gotta go. Write more later. Thanks for all you guys' emails.

timelife

Life is a funny thing. I've changed so much in the past 6 months, and so much in the preceding 6 months, that I am a whole other person.

Almost all of the appeal of getting off has kinda worn off for me. Maybe if I had a dry spell with no orgasms that would change, but frankly I have lost most interest in porn, affairs, random hookups, you name it.

I've made out with (kissing and sucking their tits, nothing more) three women recently (the hippie, my friend's baby's mama, and the half black half white girl), and almost as soon as I had the first kiss, I was over it. Maybe it's because they weren't my kinda kisser, or maybe it's because two of them were nervous about their performance, or maybe it's that I just wasn't into it.

Actually come to think of it I've kissed a fourth girl, one that i did enjoy. That one was great. That one turned me on. I guess upon analysis it's because she was really turned on, not nervous, and unlike the hippie, didn't annoy me.

I need to write about each of these girls, and my mexican ex-mistress, to explain the changes that have gone on with them - and my wife - but, overall, I feel much more free.

I pretty much don't want to have an affair for that addictive rush of excitement. I have no interest in that. Amazingly.

I barely want to indulge my fantasies, kinky and otherwise, with wild girls,

I have no interest in the hippie, in even flirting or being friends with her,

I have no interest in having a romantic relationship with my ex-mistress,

I have no interest in having a romantic relationship with my friend's baby's mama,

I have no interest in having a sexual relationship with the half black half white chick,

and equally staggering, I have almost no interest in alllllll the girls I had previously earmarked as candidates for affairs.

Right now I just want to get some shit going with my life; I'm really hungry to get some personal satisfaction.

a life

"Such carnage is not actually my desire, nor the filth and empty wandering that makes up most of my life."

- British rock star Pete Doherty

world on fire

today on the freeway i saw a white van with BREAST AUGMENTATION, $2999 on the side. what the fuck has the world come to?

frequency

I might be calling my friend's baby's mama too often.

Here's a tip:

If you start calling or IM'ing every day (or night), soon you HAVE to call every day, because if you stop, it sends the message that you're backing off or are sick of them. You might not want to send that message, but maybe you can't keep up the pace because your spouse is going to be at your side for 4 days straight on a long weekend, or maybe you're going to go on a vacation with your spouse, etc.

The thing to do is pace yourself.

Just remember, cheating is wrong and cheats both your significant other, and yourself.

~

Her baby has an minor medical problem, and has had it for like 2 months. Being as she doesn't have health insurance, she initially took the baby in to County Hospital (why does everyone say only Canada has free health care?!) and the moron doctor basically blew her off. Now that it's gotten worse, she's wondering what to do. Since my wife knows all about that stuff, she said to maybe ask my wife.

So I did tonight, though I said my friend (the bad-boy guy) and his girlfriend (not really) were wondering about their baby. I couldn't tell the truth about how the guy has been MIA, since I've been using him as an excuse as to why I call that girl's apartment and cell phones all the time.

My wife told me to call her and she'd talk to her. I was scared my wife would say mention the baby's father and the girl would say "Oh he hasn't been around" or "I haven't seen him in weeks," and I'd be caught.

But it seemed to work out ok. My wife talked to her and gave her advice for like 15 minutes and then hung up.

My only concern is that this girl will feel weird about making out with me now. Or that it was weird that I didn't call her or talk to her today like we usually do. But I'll find out soon enough.

Brownie

Another girl I've started something with, is a half black half white girl.

She's incredibly beautiful, she models, has been in commercials, music videos, etc.

She's recently stopped that because she's gained weight (all in her thighs), but still looks smokin' hot. I have naked pictures of her.

She's so much like me it's scary. She even does some of the same shit as me, like listen to one song 100 times in a row, or find it painful to listen to voicemails.

Anyway I'm not trying to fuck her. She's too cool and my sex drive has just been in the shitter lately, maybe because I'm getting old, or maybe because I take care of it like 3 times daily.

It must just be that there's no chemistry because I don't even think about making out with her. She is beautiful and hot as hell, but just doesn't turn me on. Isn't that weird?

She also reminds me of the Dom in some ways - freaking out all the time, no self-control, believes she's too much for any guy, blah blah. I am so over it.

Krafft-Ebbing’s description of "pathological sexuality" 100 years ago:

It permeates all his thoughts and feelings, allowing of no other aims in life, tumultuously, and in a rut-like fashion demanding gratification without granting the possibility of moral and righteous counter-presentations, and resolving itself into an impulsive, insatiable succession of sexual enjoyments....This pathological sexuality is a dreadful scourge for its victim, for he is in constant danger of violating the laws of the state and of morality, of losing his honor, his freedom and even his life.

So let me tell you about what else I have going on.

Remember the young, hip thai waitress in my old town? My wife and I went to dinner recently and a thai place down the street from our house - we've moved 15 miles away - and she works there. She remembered me and was happy to see me. I was happy to see her. I can tell she has a really nice spirit. I can also tell she's lonely. It makes me feel sorry for her. The only way I know how to comfort her though is to start a whole campaign of turning her into my mistress. Another one.

Baby Mama Drama

~

I have this friend who's a real bad boy, good looking, long, and ripped to the point of being gay, crazy huge cheekbones and mean eyes, the whole thing. Lived on his own since he was like 18, no mom or dad to help him. Hasn't talked to his mom in years, talks to his dad once in a great while, isn't really sure where either of them is for the most part.

Since 18 he has never had a job, never had credit cards, never paid taxes, always made his money by hustling here and there, no, not the gay term for prostitution, just buying and selling cars and car parts, working on people's cars for money, etc.

He's 31 now has been suffering from depression the past year or more, living in his shitty tiny rental house and fiending over Myspace like crazy. Sometimes for a week straight he fucks a new girl every day, sometimes two new girls a day. He just gets them one after another, mostly hot ones too. One had just turned 18 and another was like 42. One of them had a minor but solo role in a major Hollywood film, really hot, and when they met at a bar, she sucked his cock out on the smoking lounge. When he's fucking girls or making them suck his cock, he'll take pictures with the girl's cell phone and send them to me.

He's an emotional and mental abuser and obviously has issues, so whenever he gets with a girl that he likes or is a good catch, he's mean to them.

He got a Mexican girl, 24 and from South Central (the ghetto in Los Angeles - I explain this because more and more of my readers are from Europe) pregnant and she gave birth to a girl in January. He was actually there, but he has only seen his daughter once since then, when she brought the baby to show him.

He has been not answering her calls and emails the past month; he finally called her back when he just got a job at a race car type place, and was going to come see her and bring some money when he got paid on the 2nd, but it didn't happen and he's back to shutting her out.

She's really cool, very pretty, very mellow and composed, unflustered. She speaks calmly and not often, but she has a real wild streak. Yes, I have to say the physical shit, don't I? Fuck you. She has big soft double D's, nice body, nice ass, nice legs.

It's curious because she's barely been outside of South Central in her entire life. She had never been 20 minutes west to the ocean (though she had been about 30 minutes south, to Long Beach) at Santa Monica, Marina Del Rey, Malibu, the nicer areas. Her neighborhood is so ghetto that there are dogs and cats running around in the streets like a third world country, and so Mexican that at all hours of the night, people in those "roach coaches," food trucks, drive around with a megaphone yelling PEEK-SA! PEEK-SA! ("pizza," in Spanglish), and "PAN! PAN!" (bread) You hear roosters crowing in backyards and jingles of the little old men pushing carts full of Mexican ice creams or fried things. Yet unlike most people in the ghetto, she knows she's had a limited view of the world.

One time when I took her Santa Monica, she needed to get something from a drug store, so I found a 24-hour Rite-Aid. She was amazed that stores outside of the ghetto, are open late. I guess that's when the robberies happen, or maybe ghetto dwellers don't shop late?

Unlike my friend/her baby's father, I have been to see and hang out with her and her daughter about 20 times, and I've called her like every day to every other day. We talk a lot, and I try to help her out with everything from friendship and companionship, to advice on dealing with the baby, her baby's father, or life. She has a wonderful spirit and I really like her. I bring her food and take her to dinner; unlike most people from the inner city ghetto, she isn't afraid to try new things. She actually has liked Thai food since before we met, which is unusual considering most Mexicans from South Central won't eat anything but either junk food or Mexican food.

When she was sick, she had never even heard of Puffs or any kind of medicated Kleenex, so when she was sick, I brought her some. I gave her an old laptop I literally hadn't touched in years, and an old digital camera so she could take pictures of her baby.

It's funny; I've rarely had any really nice possessions in my life, so I have this desire to hang on to anything of value, especially cameras or computers since in a pinch when one of my usual ones crashes, it's a huge relief to have a backup. But giving them to her made me feel good because everybody should be able to have a record of photos of their children, and have access to the internet.

I've told her she's not obligated to me in any way for anything I've given her. I don't want her to feel obligated to do anything with me just because I've helped her out.

She thinks she's a bad kisser. She tells me a peck is a 1, and French kissing is a 10, and the most she's ever done is a 3-4. I find that curious because when I'm leading up to fucking a girl, we kiss for at least two hours. Usually I've spent at least two other times kissing for at least two hours, before that. And I go way past 10 on the kiss kink scale.

Because she's so attractive, my thoughts run to kissing her. I think she'd be like a nuclear bomb in bed, once she got comfortable enough to get over her shyness. It would be like fucking a horny angry tigress.

But I definitely don't want to fuck her. My friend's cock is way bigger than mine so I'd feel kind of inadequate. I know girls don't care as long as you're a decent size, and to them, the emotion is way more important, but even so, it just is not something I want.

I do think about making out with her though. She's gorgeous and hot.

But she's so pure and good, that the last thing i want to do is hurt her.

P.S.

I just want to thank those who have emailed me encouraging me to write more. It's good for me, so I think I'll start again.

Half Nelson

"This song is called Half Nelson
for those times
when you’re feeling kinda stuck."
- Miles Davis, 'Workin' with the Miles Davis Quintet'


I don't know. Things have been going okay. I'm less depressed than I used to be. Even a little happy from time to time.

I think it would take a lot to make me happy; I honestly think I burned out the pleasure center of my brain. Either that or my depression is just overwhelmingly heavy. But... I'm working at getting there.

I've been pretty good; I haven't fucked another girl since March 17th of last year. That's over 1 year.

I think I'm slipping back into fucking up though. I finally went and saw the earthy hippie girl a couple weeks ago. She hasn't been writing or calling, but she's been cc'ing emailing me invites me to a pot-luck once a week at her little apartment. It was a great time; the best time I've had in a long time. Buncha mellow 20-somethings into progressiveness and healthy and sustainable living and so on.

She has a boyfriend who she says is somewhat into polyamory, meaning, if in order to keep her he has to accept her being with other people, he will. I kind of didn't care, because of course, I'll fuck another man's wife or girlfriend even if he does care. Especially if he does! LOL

Anyway afterward we hung out and hugged and talked and laid down. All of a sudden she was naked, and started kissing me. I messed around and it was fun but when she reached for my crotch I instantly batted her hand away. That was the last thing on my mind. I enjoyed all the making out but I wasn't the slightest bit aroused.

I have a lot more to write but I have to go. Anyway, the other night I think I had a chance to get together with my friend's ex, but the possibility got blown. This band had hired me to come shoot photographs - I'm getting good, and am in minor demand - and me and my friend's ex arrived at the bar/club when they were already playing.

You know how it is with local bands - most of the crowd know each other, at least by face, so coming in late and elbowing my way right to the front with a big vintage camera (like the ones paparazzi used to use in the way olden days, flashbulbs and all) I definitely was noticed.

This tiny little super hot mexican/asian hybrid girl in the crowd at the front of the stage grabbed me while and started dancing with me. I'm guessing she was 22. Some guy she was with tried to pull her away but she kept coming back to me. It was fucking with my photographs so it was actually a little lame, but then she stood on her toes and kissed me, tongue, lips, everything, BAM. It caught me off guard; I didn't know what to do.

When we pulled apart she kept dancing with me, and when I got a good look at her, she was so cute, the beast woke up. You could almost hear the dragon inhaling from scratch with the drawn out building-up sound like a jet engine spooling up, right before he exhales a scorching 10 second purple and white blast of fire.

I grabbed her hard by the back of the head, dug my fingers into her hair, and just smashed our faces together, BOOM! It was like a comet, hitting a planet. All the girls and all the guys in the club yelled YEAHHH! and camera flash after camera flash went off while I just devoured her. She was actually a really good kisser. She bit my lip, and I was like Ohhhh, you want to open Pandora's box, little girl? I'm telling you, these young girls are not EVEN knowing. They always tell me, their boyfriends' idea of fucking them hard or getting wild is to just do the exact same thing, harder. Like, just thrust harder.

Anyway it was gloves off time, so I sucked on her tongue hard and bit her lip hard enough to make it bleed, and held it. When we finally stopped kissing, she looked at me while she was panting with her mouth open and eyes half closed, with a look of absolute genuine lust. She was ready to bear my children at that moment. At that moment, she would have blown me right in front of everybody, and I am being dead serious. It sounds like I'm exaggerating- No. I've never seen anything like it.

Well, I have, but only in the bedroom. And only... maybe half the girls I've been with. The ones where I've been at my best. Anyway:

She fanned herself and mouthed, You're so hot.

She kept dancing against me, grabbing my crotch, rubbing her hands all over me, and biting painfully hard on my chest and biceps while i kept trying to take pictures. At that moment I didn't give a shit about taking pictures or even about scoring with the girl I came with. But because I was so off-guard, I didn't play it cool and balance out giving attention to the kissy girl and getting her number or set my hook in deeper. I basically just went back to shooting film.

After the set I heard her and her friends talking about me - "But he's cute!" - but I didn't work it at all.

I feel lame, like I have no game all of a sudden. Where the fuck was it?

The girl I came with joined back up with me after the show and told me I shouldn't let girls touch me because it makes me look less appealing to any girls who might be interested in me. We talked about it and I told her how I was caught off guard and so on. Then the little kisser girl came back over, pulled me away a few feet, and kissed me some more. Hahahahaha!



As long as I was at it, I saw this mexican chick with a super gorgeous face but pretty chunky, who I had seen on Myspace. I remembered her name! So I asked the lead singer's girlfriend "Is that _______?" "Yeah." "Oh my god I have the biggest crush on her. I saw her Myspace page and I was just like... Anyway, is she single?" "Yeah, she's really sweet." Mission accomplished. Seeds planted.

Sure enough, later I saw her whispering to that girl, and they both looked at me. Perfect! Anyway, later I talked to her a little, but she was drunk and she and her friends and the guys they came with all knew I liked her. It was kinda like being set up on a date, having all these drunk people hollering teasing her and making fun of me, while I was trying to summon up some game.

But then again, I know enough not to doubt myself. I'm sure if I calm down and play it cool I can get all three - the girl I came with, the little kisser, and the chunky beauty.

I guess the real issue is, I know I'm supposed to quit, but I've forgotten why. I always do this: I'm right back to the feeling of "Why is this even wrong? Why did I even stop in the first place?"
In fact, I even feel like I need to go crazy on girls just to make up for lost time.