A lot has changed. But I was sorting some porn the other day to save disk space (when I find a duplicate file I delete one) and found this:
Wow. I downloaded the same file on the same date, one year prior. Out of all the milions of files I have, and all the thousands (approx. 3,700) days of porn harvesting.
~
I'm not sure whether I should start posting again. Even if I should, it's hard to. Some things have been really up but something things are really down. I have some adventures and some really crazy sex but I feel like if I start writing without telling it all, I'm doing it a disservice. Then again, maybe something is better than nothing.
I got that 21-year old. She turned out to be 20, not 22 - she lied about her age so she could have a profile on internet sex meetup sites. We've been dating since September or October - I guess that's why I stopped posting; I got busy and got a job and got really involved with this chick. I had to maintain normal hours again and I had to be away from home so I could talk on the phone to her in private.
In a way she's exactly like my first girlfriend, so many years ago. Same ways, same history, even the same idiosyncrasies, including those of her family. Even about the same age I guess.
It's funny, I'm torn between acting naturally - which is how I was with my first g.f. - and using everything I've learned over the past 15 years. When I fuck up by giving in to my impulses, at least I know beforehand "I think I'm about to fuck up." Sometimes I'm able to control it.
The interesting thing is how easily it is to manipulate her mind. If I knew back then what I knew now... man.
It's really kind of a crazy situation: she has a boyfriend who she loves but isn't in love with, and she can't break up with him. Partially because she loves him and, in my opinion, can't stand being alone, but partially because he caught her cheating on him (with me) and she doesn't want to get exposed to all their friends as a cheater.
Her parents and her sister all adore me and keep telling her she's making the wrong choice of guys; that she should date me. Her dad gave me both his and her mother's blessings to marry this girl, but that he made her promise to wait 4-5 years before getting hitched.
She's really an amazing person. Some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is so deep and so poetic it just blows me away, or even other people when I repeat what she's said. In some ways she makes me feel awesome, but sometimes she is incredibly rude and hurtful and selfish.
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But it all comes down to me figuring out that I'm only interested in girls who are a challenge - more specifically, girls who don't love me and/or can't love me. When I meet a girl who's does love me, and is wonderful and sweet and innocent, no matter how cute she is I can't see her as sexually interesting. I see her as a child almost, or a grandmother, someone who is totally nice and who you don't consider a sexual being. If I were to sleep with her I'd feel like I were molesting her. Or, I couldn't take her seriously, if you know what I mean. And I'd feel pervy just being my regular self who prefers to be in charge and be kind of domineering. So I find girls who I have to chase, to try to squeeze the love out of them.
Problem is, I feel neither type of girl can fulfill all my needs if I keep being this way.
~
I've been seeing a therapist and he's really helped me learn a lot. He's the kind of therapist I needed: a guy who is in his mid or late 50's, has been around the block. He says "fuck" and "shit" and so on, thank god. He's not some stuffed shirt type.
He's also very practical and realistic. He's had his ups and downs; didn't go straight from high school to college to work without really struggling. His dad died when he was like 11, Mom died when he was 16, and his stepdad immediately kicked him out of the house. He had to make it on his own, first selling drugs, then working his way through college. So, I feel like I can talk to him more than I could some robotic, distant guy wearing a suit and tie.
One of my goals is to be a more "integrated" person who can have one woman who I can trust, feel safe talking about my emotions to, who I can be attracted to, and so on.
~
Other than that, I have a couple new girls, plus I've gotten back in touch with two of my previous girls. I'll write more about them I guess. I guess posting isn't so hard after all.
