Instant Messenging Myself

I'm going to write this like I was talking in instant messenger.

I've been chatting on instant messenger with a couple chicks from that BDSM personals site
I notice the more serious submissives are bitchy, and try to get you to wuss out
I mean like, try to see what they can get away with
if they can get away with anything, the guy's too soft
if I'm attracted to a girl that's fine, because it makes me want to slap her around for it, but if not, it annoys me, i'm like, wtf am i talking to your snide remark making ass for?
Hm, this one chick, i found her with a sub profile saying she is new and wants a sugar daddy (COUGHwhoreCOUGH), and a dom profile saying she's a pro
So, she's totally hard up for money now and says she can't make her car payment
Is desperate
I could do anything at all to her, etc
So, I was being more blunt because A) i don't care if she says Fuck off, and B) i know i can definitely get away with it
right now
So I asked her why she claims to be a newbie when in reality she's a pro Domme, etc
she claimed she is new to being a sub for pay, but not a Domme, so that was semi-acceptable to me, even though we all know she's a whore
So I started asking like do you date anybody without them paying, etc
and she actually was honest about it
as in, So far, only girls for free
and she's dating a girl right now
but guys have to pay
etc
I asked what she does for money if she's so broke, like, why isn't she going on more dates, etc
she said she does some modelling
translation, PORN
so I ask for whom
She tells me
I google it
Find it
I go, "isn't that Ty Endicott's deal?"
(i happen to have used a stolen password to one of his sites, btw, so i know his style)
"Yeah, how did you know that?"
"Why? "
"Just wondering. So how do u know him?????"
"I know some people in the industry. Why does it matter?"
"Just wondering if u can tell me anybody else who is looking for models, i need the work bad"
"Badly. It's an adverb. Anyway, I'll let you know if I hear anything."
lol
then uh
She said she shot some shit for Rodney Moore
She's pretty thick, so I asked for which line, and she said "Chubby Chasers of course"
I told her "When Rodney is fucking his big girls he says some stuff that's really stupid sounding, plus, it's insulting and demeaning."
We started talking about it, and she goes "oh i know he totally did and i had bad self esteem about it for a week and a half afterward"
I was like Jesus Christ you poor fucked-up poo-butt
WTF are you doing in the industry?!
But, you know. I'm sure she's drawn to it
It's funny because even though a lame ordinary anything job sucks, you can at least make your car payment every month
So, that was my point. That he hurt her self esteem
it wasn't just "on the set"
and pure professional, no feelings involved
To me it's stupid, and it shows you how fucked the porn industry really is too
Everyone, especially the girls, claim it's just work and they love it and are choosing it
but in reality I think they all hate all of it
not to say it's not fucking hot as fuck to watch
BAM!!
Oh the humanity
God please kill me now for being such a horrible person
I'm pathetic, that's for sure
lol
I see pathetic white trashers and I yell "AAAAAAAHH!!" because I see the same pathetic traits in myself
I hate them, and I hate me for being barely any better than them
My friend Donna says, "well, just depends on your value system
you value money
then if you don't live up you feel bad
i don't value money at all
i don't like people more if they have a cooler car
etc"

I don't value the money itself
I value the ability to get it
I'm too fucked up to get as much as I should be able to
And my enemies sure can
even though they're dumb
way dumber than me
and they know it
And they rip me off too
they can make money off my ideas, and I can't even do that
not real money like them
Something is fundamentally wrong with how my brain works
I know I can be a nice person, and I think that's a lot more important than money
But it sucks being a fuckup
I wish I had been on Ritalin since I was like 9
I would be so much more organized and happier I bet
and richer
2 weeks ago I decided to get back on the Concerta that I tried a few years ago, considering I didn't even take it long enough to get started working
But then I promptly got distracted and forgot all about it
didn't make an appointment to get a prescription
two weeks later, here I am talking about it

crap i just realized i already told the story about this girl, in the preceding blog entry.