I've noticed I'm downloading so much porn that I can't even view it or enjoy it. I've been this way for a long time, I'm just figuring it out more and more.
Sure I'm driven by the desire to see terrific porn, but I'm driven more by the desire to not miss terrific porn that I could have gotten. For example, if I see a series of segments of a movie and one or more of them are really great, I'm compelled to get the entire series, so that someday when I do get around to viewing whatever I downloaded, I don't have any sadness, frustration and longing in case there was something super hot and I only downloaded one section of it.
Really I'm not so much orgasm-driven as I am stimulation-driven. You have an orgasm, and the whole thing is over. But when you're really turned on, it's exciting, and you can maintain that a lot longer than you can an orgasm.
Really the whole thing is about escapism. When I'm in my little porn world I can explore so many different directions every time, it's an adventure. The hours fly by, there are no annoyances from the outside world, and real life seems like far away and a long time ago- and scary.
When I finally stop surfing or perusing or organizing porn, I realize I was in an altered state and went on for hours longer than I should have - and that I almost went on for hours more than I did. When I'm in my porn world I'm happy with it being my entire life. But when I'm in the real world, I realize how limited and pathetic my porn world is and I hope I don't get dragged back into it that night.
About the real world being scary- I think I have some sort of weird agoraphobia. When I'm employed, every morning when I leave for work it's like being born. It gives me a stomach ache just having to wrench myself from my bed, to enter the world. Beginning the drive to work is almost as intimidating, and so is walking in the building for the first time. Human interaction, I'm so uncomfortable. Taking my first phone call is the same way.
But once I've crossed each of those hurdles, I can function normally without feeling sheepish about it, and I become extremely outgoing. I'm not scared of much, I'm brash and bold, I'll go anywhere and do anything.
The next morning it's back to square one.
Problem is, when I'm not employed, there's nowhere to go every morning, so I get deeper and deeper into my own little world. I become scared to go out, to go through that discomfort of the beginning of a conversation or of picking up the phone, and then once I've flaked out on people, I get scared to open my email to read their letters asking me what the fuck is up with me. It fucks up my life but how am I supposed to explain the truth?
1 comment:
hi, porn_addict, I also have experience in porn addiction. what you did and feel just resemble the way I used to be. Addiction is partly due to your thought. I let myself addicted to porn like 5 years ago. But things will change when you have bigger repsonsibility. Although I still view porn, I am not that hung up wtih it now. Hopefully you can get a balance between fantasy and reality.
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