Thursday, January 27, 2005

Nothing But The Dog In Me

1 Comments:

phatmike said...

it's the thrill of the hunt that keeps us going, that feeds the urge...the coital/post-coital experience associated with it is so much a let-down, that you must go on the hunt again.

i know.


11:34 AM



You got that right, buddy.

I have had so many orgasms - and it has been so long since I've had a good dry spell without one - that they really are not THAT great any more. Occasionally I find some stimulus that nets a really good one, but generally they are just a brief and damped flare of pleasure.

Maybe I've burned out the pleasure center of my brain. Maybe my serotonin regulators have tuned down the chemicals in my brain, trying to find balance and bring me back to normal, which is their job. You do enough coke, or other drugs, including medication, and pretty soon you need larger amounts to get the same effect. I'm sure that's what's happened to me.

So what am I in for if I quit the sex addiction? And isn't there SOME way I can find moderation? Surf for porn for like ONE hour a night or something? I really hate to say goodbye to my good friend, porn, the orgasm, sexual excitement.

And how the hell am I supposed to go to a sex addiction meeting? I wasn't molested, I don't believe in God or a higher power, I don't smoke cigarettes, and I don't drink coffee.

I just need someone to show me the way, give me a plan, or open some new doors. Recovering Addict's blog has really moved me, but, I am scared the God-centric-ness of it will leave me behind.

I did find this: smartrecovery.org. It's secular. That means no god.

It seems very down to earth, and addresses a lot of what I don't like about AA, NA, SA, etc:

•Lapses are not a point to start over, but a point to get back on the horse and keep riding.
•We don’t start over at day zero – we’ve learned too much to say we’re starting from scratch.
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3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I suppose the real question is: what will you replace your addiction with? "Cure" is really just sleight of hand in which one object is replaced by another. For drunks, it seems to be religion that fills the void. For druggies, it's exercise. For smokers, it's coffee. Or some damn thing. My point is, think about whether you have a ready stand-in. For God's sake, don't become a WWJD wanker! Being a porn fiend is perhaps better, and more human.

9:25 PM
Anonymous said...

It seems you're already thinking along these lines, but I've often wondered the same thing, about what I would obsess over if not sex. Given the alternatives, I prefer the sex. I think being on a downswing in the cycle of pleasure...(what? "perception"?) is temporary and should not be seen as ruling out a return to greatness. Put your mind to it and have a good time. I mean, damn. No offense, but is this bourgeois angst or what?!

9:30 PM
addict said...

Exactly. The whole thing smacks of bobo sanctimony and the-crown-weighs heavy.

However, my life is a total wreck. Haven't had sex with the wife in over a year. Can barely function. Don't leave the house much. Am perenially late, due to compulsive "I'll just keep looking at porn for 5 more minutes, 5 more minutes." I can't exactly just ride on and let the good times roll. I'm not having a good time. My penis is, but that's about it. My mind and my heart aren't. And I LOVE good sex when my mind is involved.

I think the thing to direct my energies into are my work, 8-5, and my budding family, the rest of the time. If I throw myself into them with my typical zeal, I should be fine in both categories.

9:56 PM

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