Learned Student

When it came to cheating, I used to angle like crazy in my head, planning out every possible derivative of every what-if I could think of, on both my wife's part and my mistress'. My resting heart rate was racing, I was nervous...

Now it's so easy I barely give it any thought. I feel like a professional flight instructor in a tiny acrobatic plane, one of those people where you could put the plane into any kind of spin, and with a tug of the stick and a move of the flaps, they've got the plane straightened out and flying right. As amazing as it may sound, I don't even plan my dalliances much any more! Or my excuses to my mistresses as to why I can't spend the night or where I was, what I did, etc. I just know I can come up with some excuse they'll buy, pretty much off the top of my head.

Maybe my wife has given up asking, maybe she knows in the back of her head, maybe she doesn't care as much any more.

I really don't want to cheat. I'm just so greedy. I see these pretty girls and their beauty is the sweetest nectar. I just want to kiss their mouths, squeeze their breasts, violate them ten different ways (that's a Sixteen Candles reference for you), hear them moan...
I don't want to hurt my wife; I'm just such a fiend for it all.

The love is fun - fun, Hell... it's exhilarating - but when it fades, I maintain its façade only to maintain the relationship with the girl as an outlet for my sexual drive. And to postpone hurting her.

I feel sorry for the girls, too, don't get me wrong. I feel horrible about it, since they are such wonderful and innocent people inside. But I can't stop myself.

At the very least, they always tell me I treated them better than anyone ever had, and made them feel better than anyone ever had. And they all say they are glad we had our time together, and they wouldn't wish it away.

Girls seem to like bittersweet pleasure. They like the rollercoaster, and they like movies and books and relationships like that.

Me, I can't stand it. I'm so weak that I don't want any pain, any sadness, any worry. Just give me movies or books or experiences that make me feel better without the gut punch.

I really don't know whether there is something wrong with me (about the cheating) or whether I am just a self-indulgent rogue, with no self control.

When I target a new girl part of me screams "No!" and pities her. That part of me hopes and prays I won't do it, so I won't hurt her. But the other part of me strategizes what my next move is in order to snare her.