Changes

Well, I haven't written for four or five days now. I've kind of wanted to, but I've just been busy, and, I haven't known where to start.

I kind of keep throwing myself into the fire. I get semi-clear of my mistress and then I kindle things up more than they've been in months. I start talking to the Domme often enough that the topic of coming down and hanging out or making out, comes up. Hard to avoid it, and if I do, she'll sense it.

Things are better with the wife in a big way. We actually get along all day every day now.

My sex drive is like totally MIA, too. I don't even rub one out in the shower any more like I used to my entire life, let alone two. I barely have the interest to surf for internet porn, but every now and then I get caught up in it. It's weird; as I said before, my motivation isn't even so much to have it or view it, it's to make sure I never want it but don't have it. In other words, half my motivation for downloading so much porn is to have it, "Just in case."

I broached the subject of getting some A.D.D. medication, to my wife. I'm going to go for it. Hell, we have full coverage insurance so it will be totally free. I'm also going to see about getting some anti-depressants. I'm scared they will really fuck me up, though. The human body is not simple enough that you can just take a happy pill. There are all sorts of complicated side effects to any drug like that, plus, your body and brain are always trying to regulate themselves back to zero. Your body gets used to things, so to speak, which is why, for example, heavy cocaine users sort of burn out the pleasure center in their brain. The serotonin uptake inhibiters get screwed up and adjust back to zero. Problem is, if you get off the drugs, you get depressed. If you stay on the drugs you feel nothing. That's what scares me about the anti-depressants.

I'm also scared the A.D.D. drugs will make me into a successful person. If they do I'm worried I'll be so pissed at myself for not taking them sooner, and for squandering the past couple decades of my life. But I'm also worried that if I don't take them, yeah I won't be bitter but I also won't be a success. And I'm a little worried that they might not work at all and I'm really just a big loser.

I guess a big thing on my mind is, I'm scared to let my mistress go. I'm jealous, so I don't want anyone else to have her, and I'm a softie, so I don't want to hurt her.