Half Nelson

"This song is called Half Nelson
for those times
when you’re feeling kinda stuck."
- Miles Davis, 'Workin' with the Miles Davis Quintet'


I don't know. Things have been going okay. I'm less depressed than I used to be. Even a little happy from time to time.

I think it would take a lot to make me happy; I honestly think I burned out the pleasure center of my brain. Either that or my depression is just overwhelmingly heavy. But... I'm working at getting there.

I've been pretty good; I haven't fucked another girl since March 17th of last year. That's over 1 year.

I think I'm slipping back into fucking up though. I finally went and saw the earthy hippie girl a couple weeks ago. She hasn't been writing or calling, but she's been cc'ing emailing me invites me to a pot-luck once a week at her little apartment. It was a great time; the best time I've had in a long time. Buncha mellow 20-somethings into progressiveness and healthy and sustainable living and so on.

She has a boyfriend who she says is somewhat into polyamory, meaning, if in order to keep her he has to accept her being with other people, he will. I kind of didn't care, because of course, I'll fuck another man's wife or girlfriend even if he does care. Especially if he does! LOL

Anyway afterward we hung out and hugged and talked and laid down. All of a sudden she was naked, and started kissing me. I messed around and it was fun but when she reached for my crotch I instantly batted her hand away. That was the last thing on my mind. I enjoyed all the making out but I wasn't the slightest bit aroused.

I have a lot more to write but I have to go. Anyway, the other night I think I had a chance to get together with my friend's ex, but the possibility got blown. This band had hired me to come shoot photographs - I'm getting good, and am in minor demand - and me and my friend's ex arrived at the bar/club when they were already playing.

You know how it is with local bands - most of the crowd know each other, at least by face, so coming in late and elbowing my way right to the front with a big vintage camera (like the ones paparazzi used to use in the way olden days, flashbulbs and all) I definitely was noticed.

This tiny little super hot mexican/asian hybrid girl in the crowd at the front of the stage grabbed me while and started dancing with me. I'm guessing she was 22. Some guy she was with tried to pull her away but she kept coming back to me. It was fucking with my photographs so it was actually a little lame, but then she stood on her toes and kissed me, tongue, lips, everything, BAM. It caught me off guard; I didn't know what to do.

When we pulled apart she kept dancing with me, and when I got a good look at her, she was so cute, the beast woke up. You could almost hear the dragon inhaling from scratch with the drawn out building-up sound like a jet engine spooling up, right before he exhales a scorching 10 second purple and white blast of fire.

I grabbed her hard by the back of the head, dug my fingers into her hair, and just smashed our faces together, BOOM! It was like a comet, hitting a planet. All the girls and all the guys in the club yelled YEAHHH! and camera flash after camera flash went off while I just devoured her. She was actually a really good kisser. She bit my lip, and I was like Ohhhh, you want to open Pandora's box, little girl? I'm telling you, these young girls are not EVEN knowing. They always tell me, their boyfriends' idea of fucking them hard or getting wild is to just do the exact same thing, harder. Like, just thrust harder.

Anyway it was gloves off time, so I sucked on her tongue hard and bit her lip hard enough to make it bleed, and held it. When we finally stopped kissing, she looked at me while she was panting with her mouth open and eyes half closed, with a look of absolute genuine lust. She was ready to bear my children at that moment. At that moment, she would have blown me right in front of everybody, and I am being dead serious. It sounds like I'm exaggerating- No. I've never seen anything like it.

Well, I have, but only in the bedroom. And only... maybe half the girls I've been with. The ones where I've been at my best. Anyway:

She fanned herself and mouthed, You're so hot.

She kept dancing against me, grabbing my crotch, rubbing her hands all over me, and biting painfully hard on my chest and biceps while i kept trying to take pictures. At that moment I didn't give a shit about taking pictures or even about scoring with the girl I came with. But because I was so off-guard, I didn't play it cool and balance out giving attention to the kissy girl and getting her number or set my hook in deeper. I basically just went back to shooting film.

After the set I heard her and her friends talking about me - "But he's cute!" - but I didn't work it at all.

I feel lame, like I have no game all of a sudden. Where the fuck was it?

The girl I came with joined back up with me after the show and told me I shouldn't let girls touch me because it makes me look less appealing to any girls who might be interested in me. We talked about it and I told her how I was caught off guard and so on. Then the little kisser girl came back over, pulled me away a few feet, and kissed me some more. Hahahahaha!



As long as I was at it, I saw this mexican chick with a super gorgeous face but pretty chunky, who I had seen on Myspace. I remembered her name! So I asked the lead singer's girlfriend "Is that _______?" "Yeah." "Oh my god I have the biggest crush on her. I saw her Myspace page and I was just like... Anyway, is she single?" "Yeah, she's really sweet." Mission accomplished. Seeds planted.

Sure enough, later I saw her whispering to that girl, and they both looked at me. Perfect! Anyway, later I talked to her a little, but she was drunk and she and her friends and the guys they came with all knew I liked her. It was kinda like being set up on a date, having all these drunk people hollering teasing her and making fun of me, while I was trying to summon up some game.

But then again, I know enough not to doubt myself. I'm sure if I calm down and play it cool I can get all three - the girl I came with, the little kisser, and the chunky beauty.

I guess the real issue is, I know I'm supposed to quit, but I've forgotten why. I always do this: I'm right back to the feeling of "Why is this even wrong? Why did I even stop in the first place?"
In fact, I even feel like I need to go crazy on girls just to make up for lost time.