Pushing

I've really been pushing myself too hard. I've been doing pretty well lately - I think. I'm not sure, but I think.

Lately I have no interest in sex. None. I can hardly beat off. Wtf??

I've been seeing this girl, my friend's baby's mama. It's fun but we're definitely not a match, about our beliefs, personalities, or in bed. But it's exciting. She has probably the nicest breasts of any girl I've ever been with. She looks like a real life version of Tomb Raider, several months after having a kid of course, so she's not fantasy-perfect but pretty damn close.

She's slim, Mexican, very pretty face, long thick black hair, and has huge round natural tits. Good gracious it's ridiculous. It's recockulous! Anyway it took me a few months to get with her. I wasn't really trying to fuck her, just suck on her tits and stuff, but it ended up that we're kinda dating right now.

She lives in the ghettoest of the ghetto. People stare at me and my car because I stick out like a sore thumb. Leaving her apartment in South Central in the middle of the night I feel like the white cop with the latin ghetto mistress in the cop movies.

I've fucked her TWICE without a condom. It's really scary. At the time I think to myself, "Welp, this is the end of life as I know it." And I say goodbye to my wife and current living situation as if they're leaving on a ship and it's beyond my control. But I was watching Dexter (the show) the other night and his sponsor told him something like "You call yourself a monster so you don't have to try." I think I do the same thing. So I won't be fucking her bareback any more. Anyhow I barely even wanted to.

I also met this other girl online. It was theoretically a great booty-call situation. But she was weird and didn't turn me on. It really took the shine off the fantasy of having someone as my booty call, which is a good thing I think. I wonder whether it was me, her, or both.

Anyway I've dusted off my old business and am in the process of raising investment capital for it. I've raised $100,000 so far. I only need about $300k-400k to get going, but I'm shooting for around $1 million. It's tough though. I feel like less than my so-called peers because despite my, modesty aside, amazing ability to talk to people convincingly and persuasively, and despite my lifetime of knowledge in my industry, my brains, my credentials, my contacts, and my ideas, here I am with a (currently) 601 credit score, off-and-on work history, and although people assume I have at least one degree, I have not even a high school diploma.

I read these bio's on other people in my position or similar ones, and most of the time it mentions places they've worked for years, what colleges they attended, etc. I do notice when people are covering up, like "_____ has worked as a high-level industry insider since 1993," or, "has held a number of executive positions with various companies," but most of them seem to have at least gone to college. Or I notice the rare ones who haven't gone to college, "majored in Engineering at Cal Poly Pomona." (note: doesn't say graduated)

So, I dunno. But I get distracted. I gotta go. Write more later. Thanks for all you guys' emails.