No Sex With My Wife

I haven't had sex with my wife in a year and a half. Two years? Let's see. 10 months, plus 9, plus maybe 5. Holy crap, two years!

She thinks I'm gay. For example, yesterday as a joke I hung my sweater over my back with the arms tied across my front, and she said "You're scaring me." When I asked her to clarify, she said "Everything would make sense. Elton John was married before."

Riiiight.

I'm so infuriated! Not infuriated, just incredibly resentful. It's not homophobia; I have no problem with gay guys. But I do not seem like one! Give me a break, I'm the horniest straight guy on earth! She used to bitch me out for flirting with girls, or staring, or having girls as friends (even just email friends), or chatting with a girl on instant messenger, or going to lunch with girls, or she'd check my voicemail and hear a girl leaving a message like "Hi, it's me, give me a call, bye."

I want to yell "I'm not gay, I whack off to girls 10 times a day! Literally! Or MORE! Hell, I've been fucking a girl on the side for over a year! And I'm working on more! Girls are my whole world!!"

Jesus Christ.

~

The thing is, it's that I'm not attracted to her. First off she's super nice, so I see her as innocent. I never saw her as a hot chick I wanted to fuck, and I never saw her as a sexual person. I wouldn't take her seriously if I saw her acting all sexed up. If she were super horny and were making bedroom eyes at me, rubbing her hands up and down her body, it wouldn't look hot to me, it would look like a little kid doing it. I wouldn't see it as erotic and couldn't take it seriously for a moment.

Second, I've been exposed to so much kinky shit, and am in such a perpetual state of drainedness - I mean, 7-10+ orgasms a day, can you blame me? - that normal sex bores the fuck out of me. It won't get me up. I have to see some super sick shit that excites my brain, and start whacking away, to get a semi-hard on. It can't be something that would ordinarily skip the brain and go to the loins, like a hot chick with nicely formed tits or a nice ass.

And, I'm not going to do kinky shit to her. I have NO interest in whipping her tits, fucking her in the ass, gagging her on my cock, or slapping her face.

Third, I'm halfway scared that I may have some slumbering disease like a yeast infection or chylamdia or herpes or AIDS or God knows what, from one of the chicks I've fucked on the side in the past two years. I really have to find a way out of the house and go get a test at some free STD clinic. Otherwise I'll be freaking out that I gave her something, and she'll find out, and she'll leave me. Even if she didn't leave me I'd never hear the end of it. I already don't hear the end of shit that she caught me at before we were married.

So, where does that leave us?