I Have A Dream -The Dream

I wrote this over three years ago. God damn. Time fucking flies, especially when you get old.

The Dream

3/02/2005 5:56AM



Anyway, now that I've spent hours reminiscing and typing this, I've forgotten the dream. Damn. What I do remember is, we were on a trip, or at sort of a camp, for grownups. She and I were "together," not as a pure couple, but more as a fling. We were together, but we weren't. We had so much fun together, the star of this movie and I. We ended up in bed, just sleeping. No sex, no bondage, no erection, not her servicing me, no need to re-prove myself, just sleeping together. I felt so goddamn good, I felt better than I had in... years? I was in heaven. I wanted to wrap around her, so I reached out, and felt- my daughter.

What the fuck? I opened one eye: my infant daughter was laying between my wife and I, on my bed, in my house, not the bed I was in with J. Dammit!! I was awake, the dream was gone, and so was J. Oh my god I can't believe how sad I was. I still feel that way almost at the end of the day today. Most of the dream has faded, but even so, I feel as though I've lost a very close friend. I miss her smiling face, I miss her friendship. It felt good putting that sunshiny smile on her face.

Am I codependant? I need to have her be happy, need to have her be smiling because of me? Or do I still love her? Or do I just miss my friend?

Baby Part II

Sitting in my buddy's baby's momma's apartment on her "bed" (mattress in the corner) (with sheets, though, I mean it's not a flophouse) I didn't want to come right out with "OK, TAKE THE GODDAMN TEST!" but she took HOURS to get around to it.

I wanted to play it off like I was coming to see her anyway but the fact is that if she weren't possibly pregnant I would have gone straight home to be with my daughter.

Call me crazy but I figured if she's already pregnant she can't get more pregnant, and if she's not, the Depo shot is working and she won't get pregnant. So I fucked her yet another time with no condom. Yes, I am insane.

~

It was kind of annoying, having sex with her. I had whacked off like once earlier and three times the day before in an effort to NOT go see her, so I wasn't really that turned on. I fucked her doggy style and I would tell her to go slow or not to move (so I could take control and bring things to a boil) but she kind of does this thing where she bucks her hips back and forth and whines "Oh yeah." I say "does this thing" because it seems very contrived. Anyway it's annoying when a girl doesn't do what I say in bed. I'm callin' the fuckin' shots here.

Sure enough, afterward we laid around hugging each other and I stroked her beautiful, long, thick, shiny black hair, and she mentioned how she's a bad lover and she doesn't know what she's supposed to do. "You're not supposed to do anything other than enjoy yourself."

She had to pee, and as she walked to the bathroom I pretended to just then remember the pregnancy test, and casually reminded her of it.

I woke up and it had been I don't know how long. She was still in the bathroom. Holy fuck!!

comes around goes around

My ex-mexican mistress - mexican ex-mistress, whatever - has been popping up a bit lately.

i don't know how much I've explained, but she now has two babies by two different daddies. When I consider just how many times I've fucked her condomless I feel as though I took a step forward and then a semi drove through right where I had been standing a moment earlier. I came THIS CLOSE...

She calls me here and there when she needs something, but tries to create this dynamic where it's as if I'm stalking her or interested in her, so she can push me away. She'll call from a private number, or when I ask "What are you up to?" or "So where you workin now?" she'll ask "Why?" Even more annoying, she'll tell me a story and mention some guy's name or other. I won't understand whether the guy is her cousin or friend or boyfriend or what, so I ask who that person is and she'll respond "Why? It's none of your business." Fuck you, you started talking about some random guy who showed up! How am I supposed to even understand the story?!

I blow it off, I mean come on. Anyway she called me up outta the blue and suggested we go to "our restaurant." I instantly said "Ok, I'll leave now and it'll take me an hour and fifteen minutes to get there," then hated myself for reacting like that.

When I met her she looked older. More haggard. The one line at each side of her mouth had turned into hard lines. Her meat looked flabbier, less full of rubbery vibrancy. She was wearing velvet black pants and a matching zip-up top; she used to have a nice round bubbly ass; now it looked more like old lady ass. Even her hair seemed stringier. And she seemed harsher.

It had only been... holy crap, two years! Since I'd seen her. Wow. Two years. The last time had been a single similar meet-up. And it had been a year before the previous one, when our relationship had wound down.

Anyway life seemed to have taken a toll on her. I felt sorry for her even though she's bitchy and annoying in some ways. And selfish and inconsiderate.

We went to lunch and talked about life. She barely joked around any more. I missed the old fun times but I wondered just how much of the time they were really fun.

She didn't say "thank you" when I paid.

Driving away in my new car I weighed the experience. I didn't regret coming but I missed my kid. My time with my kid is more valuable than driving over an hour away for THIS rude person - especially to pay to feed her. Fuck that. I coulda spent that time and that little amount of money on my kid and made her happier. When my kid is grown and I miss her and wish she were little again, I may wish I never wasted even that one afternoon on my ex-mistress. Even though it will hurt and she'll be really shitty to me, next time she calls me, I gotta turn her down.

That will be a rare experience for me, turning a girl down. I've rarrrely done it. The funny thing is, when I think back to the few times in my life that I've done it, I see that instantly the girls sense that you're "over it" and they flipflop and act sweet, to lure you back in.

This girl won't be that way but I don't care.

Baby part I.

My current mexican mistress - my buddy's baby momma - texted me the other day.

M late. my period was sposed 2 come on the 8th

3 days late. She had taken the morning-after shot the last time (of the many times now) I fucked her condomless, and the uh.... the 3-month birth control shot too. But I felt woozy and my heart began to race. Is it ever late normally? Without the shot?

No.

Well then take a test! Go buy one, I'll pay, or are they free at the clinic?

yes smarty pants. M going to Rite Aid.

ok i'll come down at 5

I work another hour while sweating, then call her. She says she's just geting home. "From Rite Aid?" "No, I haven't gone yet." WHAT!! "Oh, ok. Do you want me to pick up a test on my way?" "No, I'm just gonna get one from the 99 Cent Store." "What!! I'll get a name brand one." She gave me a little guff as if I were snobby, but jesus christ!

I had to look up the drug store's location on my car's GPS without actually entering it as a destination, to prevent my wife from noticing me "Hey, he visited a drug store in downtown LA, hours before he came home that night. What took him so long? What was he getting? Condoms?"

As I pulled up to the drugstore I realized it was the same one I used to frequent four years ago for condoms with my mexican ex-mistress. They used to end up getting removed when I'd be fucking her and she'd say "I doan like thay con-dome." Jesus Christ, what kind of person comes THAT close to getting his mistress pregnant and permanently altering life as I know it, and then does it again and again?

How depressing the building's dark red bricks were as I walked in yet again.

~

Speaking of condoms, the pregnancy tests were right next to them. Ho ho.

I spent a few minutes analyzing and picked what seemed to be the best test. They all claimed 99% accuracy, even the 99-Cent-Store brand ones, but I picked the brand my poor dear wife uses to see whether she's pregnant. My poor dear heartbroken infertile wife.

On the way to pay there was a new flavor of Pringles. I grabbed a can. Fuck it.

oh baby

please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please don't let her be pregnant please please please please please please please please