I wrote this over three years ago. God damn. Time fucking flies, especially when you get old.
Anyway, now that I've spent hours reminiscing and typing this, I've forgotten the dream. Damn. What I do remember is, we were on a trip, or at sort of a camp, for grownups. She and I were "together," not as a pure couple, but more as a fling. We were together, but we weren't. We had so much fun together, the star of this movie and I. We ended up in bed, just sleeping. No sex, no bondage, no erection, not her servicing me, no need to re-prove myself, just sleeping together. I felt so goddamn good, I felt better than I had in... years? I was in heaven. I wanted to wrap around her, so I reached out, and felt- my daughter.
What the fuck? I opened one eye: my infant daughter was laying between my wife and I, on my bed, in my house, not the bed I was in with J. Dammit!! I was awake, the dream was gone, and so was J. Oh my god I can't believe how sad I was. I still feel that way almost at the end of the day today. Most of the dream has faded, but even so, I feel as though I've lost a very close friend. I miss her smiling face, I miss her friendship. It felt good putting that sunshiny smile on her face.
Am I codependant? I need to have her be happy, need to have her be smiling because of me? Or do I still love her? Or do I just miss my friend?
The Dream
3/02/2005 5:56AMAnyway, now that I've spent hours reminiscing and typing this, I've forgotten the dream. Damn. What I do remember is, we were on a trip, or at sort of a camp, for grownups. She and I were "together," not as a pure couple, but more as a fling. We were together, but we weren't. We had so much fun together, the star of this movie and I. We ended up in bed, just sleeping. No sex, no bondage, no erection, not her servicing me, no need to re-prove myself, just sleeping together. I felt so goddamn good, I felt better than I had in... years? I was in heaven. I wanted to wrap around her, so I reached out, and felt- my daughter.
What the fuck? I opened one eye: my infant daughter was laying between my wife and I, on my bed, in my house, not the bed I was in with J. Dammit!! I was awake, the dream was gone, and so was J. Oh my god I can't believe how sad I was. I still feel that way almost at the end of the day today. Most of the dream has faded, but even so, I feel as though I've lost a very close friend. I miss her smiling face, I miss her friendship. It felt good putting that sunshiny smile on her face.
Am I codependant? I need to have her be happy, need to have her be smiling because of me? Or do I still love her? Or do I just miss my friend?
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