Sunday, March 16, 2008

Baby part I.

My current mexican mistress - my buddy's baby momma - texted me the other day.

M late. my period was sposed 2 come on the 8th

3 days late. She had taken the morning-after shot the last time (of the many times now) I fucked her condomless, and the uh.... the 3-month birth control shot too. But I felt woozy and my heart began to race.
Is it ever late normally? Without the shot?

No.

Well then take a test! Go buy one, I'll pay, or are they free at the clinic?

yes smarty pants.
M going to Rite Aid.

ok i'll come down at 5

I work another hour while sweating, then call her. She says she's just geting home. "From Rite Aid?" "No, I haven't gone yet." WHAT!! "Oh, ok. Do you want me to pick up a test on my way?" "No, I'm just gonna get one from the 99 Cent Store." "What!! I'll get a name brand one." She gave me a little guff as if I were snobby, but jesus christ!

I had to look up the drug store's location on my car's GPS without actually entering it as a destination, to prevent my wife from noticing me "Hey, he visited a drug store in downtown LA, hours before he came home that night. What took him so long? What was he getting? Condoms?"

As I pulled up to the drugstore I realized it was the same one I used to frequent four years ago for condoms with
my mexican ex-mistress. They used to end up getting removed when I'd be fucking her and she'd say "I doan like thay con-dome." Jesus Christ, what kind of person comes THAT close to getting his mistress pregnant and permanently altering life as I know it, and then does it again and again?

How depressing the building's dark red bricks were as I walked in yet again.

~


Speaking of condoms, the pregnancy tests were right next to them. Ho ho.

I spent a few minutes analyzing and picked what seemed to be the best test. They all claimed 99% accuracy, even the 99-Cent-Store brand ones, but I picked the brand my poor dear wife uses to see whether she's pregnant. My poor dear heartbroken infertile wife.

On the way to pay there was a new flavor of Pringles. I grabbed a can. Fuck it.


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