Well, I don't know what to say because my head is all muddled and I need to go make some money. I'm not really in writing mode but I'm going to try just dumping.
Lately I've been even less inspired by porn than ever. Not only that, but I'm started to get tired of girls. No, I am not turning into a homo, I mean I'm getting tired of the idea keeping up a bunch of side shit.
I've had a couple of adventures here and there but overall, it's sinking in: it's a pain in the ass to have a girl on the side. I think my problem was I used to associate a girl with easy fun. Now I associate her with a big hassle. I've touched the hot stove enough times I'm realizing that it hurts.
Maybe if I were big pimpin' again, clocking thousands a week, I'd want to. But maybe not. It would be a lot easier. I could have a player pad, an apartment or at least a room(mate); a second cell phone that would be much easier to deal with; etc. But like I said, maybe not. Right now I feel like I outgrew it. But who knows what the future holds?
Anyway I've been going to a counselor for like 6 months and overall it's helped me with a bunch of stuff in my life. I got a good counselor; maybe that's part of why it's been positive, but I'm also doing some of the work.
One of the big things I've done is that I'm starting to really not give a shit what people think of me. I'm almost 37, which is almost 40, and I sure as hell ain't gettin' any younger. So why keep ruining the rest of my life? It's helped me get over the fact that my dad isn't my biggest fan. It sucks, but, it's time to get over it. He's just a guy.
Think back to when you were a kid and your mom or dad was, what, in their 20's or 30's. Remember how larger-than-life they were? Not perfect, but, you kinda idolized them. Now think back to when you were that old. You weren't godlike. You maybe didn't know shit. You were just some guy or girl. So you gotta go back in time and re-look at your parents now with a new perspective.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire
So I guess I gotta be fast because I'm tired.
I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing. Last month I was walking around in LA taking pictures at night and I found this hair salon open at like 10 PM. This Guatemalan chick had just opened it so to support her I got a haircut from her gay guy. I rapped to him in Spanish and she was curious about it, and she liked me, so when I paid, she gave me her business card and circled her cell phone number before giving it to me, saying I can reach her there during the day when she's at her other job; and I noticed she also had FAT LATIN TITTIES, oh shit. So I was like, Hm, this is interesting, HER cell phone number ends in 8-3-0-9, whereas MY penis will fit nicely between her tits, so that's kind of a huge coincidence!
Then at this vendor of ours, there's this woman, probably 43, who I've been hitting on really hard. When she answers the phone and says their business name and her name, I say, "The lovely and talented __(her name)__ ?" and so on. Speaking of tit week, she has pretty big tits, and thank god doesn't have too bad of a mom ass. She has a real 70's or 80's hairdo though, so that really bugs. I mean it's like embarrassing almost; it's insanely out of style.
I did my usual thing of telling her I'm older than she is, then fighting back and forth with "no, how old are YOU?" until finally giving in and saying "I'm 36!!" like I'm so much older than she. Then the girl invariably says how sweet I am for saying that, and I play it up about not believing they're older. Then like 2 weeks later I subtlely bring it up again as if I completely forgot the whole convo, like I have been operating off the assumption they're younger than me. Each time I usually say something like "God DAMN you're good looking for 43, I mean, I thought you were good looking for 35!" Women just eat it up no matter what; I've never had it fail.
You know the other thing I've never had fail? Pick a day randomly, perk up the moment you see them and say "Hi _____! You look really cute today!"
Anyway after flirting with that chick pretty hard, I came back the next day and she was way more makeup'ed up and so on. Clearly it was for me; I've seen this behavior a hundred times before.
Anyway, we were talking on the phone at one point about exes and kids and so on. She was saying how she finally got rid of her first husband, and laughed when I said "Well, it was your first, so that's your trial marriage. But you're married now?" "Yeah, he's a whole OTHER problem; I'll tell you sometime." So I of course smoothly transitioned into "Haha, yeah, you gotta tell me about it over thai food or something." I say Thai food is like the new sushi. Anyway, she was like "Yeah!" so I took that as a good sign.
So, a week or two later, I had to visit them again, with these two hot skinny big boobed 21 year old models I work with, and I totally ignored them and treated them like morons in front of this woman. All the guys in the place were staring like these girls were making out, but I just blew it off. So when we went to leave, I asked her to thai food, and she said "Sure, we could do lunch sometime or something."
"Well, I work like 2 hours away, so, it would have to be dinner, because I pass right by here on my way home."
"Sure, ok, this week is hectic for til Friday but maybe next week on Wednesday or Thursday."
So, I let those days pass by, and I don't call, and she doesn't call me.
Monday, I call her up and talk about work stuff for a moment, and then I say, "Hey, I apologize if I offended you by asking you to dinner-"
Quickly: "I wasn't offended!" (cheery and not defensive)
"Well, I'm sorry if I was rude, I just normally don't meet many people who are smart AND down to earth-" "aw, that's sweet." "-, AND good looking... so... you can't blame me for wanting to spend an hour with you."
"No, I wasn't offended at all. I'm sorry I've been so flaky, we're just slammed with work for blah blah blah."
"Oh, not at all, that's not flaking on me, I know you're busy."
"So, can I get a rain check?"
So now I wait and see. If she calls, it's on, completely, no two ways about it. But if I call her and she agrees to go out, it might mean I've got her, but it might just mean dinner.
~
Speaking of married-
A friend of mine who's a real street kid; he's 30 and has lived on his own since he was 16. Doesn't know where his mom is, and his dad rarely speaks to him and is kind of a nomad. Has never had a real job that I really knew of; always has hustled and just gotten by.
He is pretty misogynistic and meets fucked up girls on Myspace, fucks them, kind of makes them feel wanted but also treats them like shit in a subtle way.
Anyway, he invited me to a rockabilly-ish show the other night, where his friends were playing. The place was full of greaser-looking guys, and retro kitten type girls, covered in tattoos, I'm talking even neck tattoos, hand tats, etc.
Anyway, I hit on this really cute, thick girl. Her body was ok, and her hair was really well done in some old-fashioned rolls, and she was wearing a really cute dress, but what really set it off was these short shorts she had one, and fishnet stockings; something about the way her body was made just made the shorts seem even shorter. You know the kind where, there's no butt cheek hanging out, but the shorts come right up underneath so they are like a miniskirt on crack (pardon the pun).
Anyway, I had my friend's hot and fucked up date tell her, "My friend thinks you're cute." Then I rolled up on her and asked her who she came here with.
"Nobody."
"Really? Your boyfriend isn't going to see me talking to you and get pissed?"
She got all giggly and embarrassed and said, "I don't have a boyfriend!" like, "you silly goose!"
I asked whether I could take her picture, and got her email address to send it to her.
Then after she left I hit on these two girls who had been staring at me. They were probably like 23 or something; seemed kinda dumb, and cute bodies but boring faces. I got one's myspace and stuff.
Finally after they left, I hit on this pretty fuckin' big girl who had a cute face and was staring at me all night. I asked for her myspace, and she said how she doesn't have one, but turned it around on me and said "So what's your phone number?" opening her purse and getting a pen and paper. Shit! Fuck.
We hung out a while and she touched my hand and rubbed it and stuff. On the one hand I'd totally fuck her face, but on the flip side I was like, "Damn, she's not some slutbag, she's a really sweet girl who is probably lonely."
Now I felt bad that I'll have to duck her or whatever. I mean, I'd like to turn her into just a sex partner but I'd hate to hurt her feelings.
~
I went home and sleuthed that first girl, the thick one. Found her Myspace. 23 years old, and, oh, my: married! Wtf?
I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing. Last month I was walking around in LA taking pictures at night and I found this hair salon open at like 10 PM. This Guatemalan chick had just opened it so to support her I got a haircut from her gay guy. I rapped to him in Spanish and she was curious about it, and she liked me, so when I paid, she gave me her business card and circled her cell phone number before giving it to me, saying I can reach her there during the day when she's at her other job; and I noticed she also had FAT LATIN TITTIES, oh shit. So I was like, Hm, this is interesting, HER cell phone number ends in 8-3-0-9, whereas MY penis will fit nicely between her tits, so that's kind of a huge coincidence!
Then at this vendor of ours, there's this woman, probably 43, who I've been hitting on really hard. When she answers the phone and says their business name and her name, I say, "The lovely and talented __(her name)__ ?" and so on. Speaking of tit week, she has pretty big tits, and thank god doesn't have too bad of a mom ass. She has a real 70's or 80's hairdo though, so that really bugs. I mean it's like embarrassing almost; it's insanely out of style.
I did my usual thing of telling her I'm older than she is, then fighting back and forth with "no, how old are YOU?" until finally giving in and saying "I'm 36!!" like I'm so much older than she. Then the girl invariably says how sweet I am for saying that, and I play it up about not believing they're older. Then like 2 weeks later I subtlely bring it up again as if I completely forgot the whole convo, like I have been operating off the assumption they're younger than me. Each time I usually say something like "God DAMN you're good looking for 43, I mean, I thought you were good looking for 35!" Women just eat it up no matter what; I've never had it fail.
You know the other thing I've never had fail? Pick a day randomly, perk up the moment you see them and say "Hi _____! You look really cute today!"
Anyway after flirting with that chick pretty hard, I came back the next day and she was way more makeup'ed up and so on. Clearly it was for me; I've seen this behavior a hundred times before.
Anyway, we were talking on the phone at one point about exes and kids and so on. She was saying how she finally got rid of her first husband, and laughed when I said "Well, it was your first, so that's your trial marriage. But you're married now?" "Yeah, he's a whole OTHER problem; I'll tell you sometime." So I of course smoothly transitioned into "Haha, yeah, you gotta tell me about it over thai food or something." I say Thai food is like the new sushi. Anyway, she was like "Yeah!" so I took that as a good sign.
So, a week or two later, I had to visit them again, with these two hot skinny big boobed 21 year old models I work with, and I totally ignored them and treated them like morons in front of this woman. All the guys in the place were staring like these girls were making out, but I just blew it off. So when we went to leave, I asked her to thai food, and she said "Sure, we could do lunch sometime or something."
"Well, I work like 2 hours away, so, it would have to be dinner, because I pass right by here on my way home."
"Sure, ok, this week is hectic for til Friday but maybe next week on Wednesday or Thursday."
So, I let those days pass by, and I don't call, and she doesn't call me.
Monday, I call her up and talk about work stuff for a moment, and then I say, "Hey, I apologize if I offended you by asking you to dinner-"
Quickly: "I wasn't offended!" (cheery and not defensive)
"Well, I'm sorry if I was rude, I just normally don't meet many people who are smart AND down to earth-" "aw, that's sweet." "-, AND good looking... so... you can't blame me for wanting to spend an hour with you."
"No, I wasn't offended at all. I'm sorry I've been so flaky, we're just slammed with work for blah blah blah."
"Oh, not at all, that's not flaking on me, I know you're busy."
"So, can I get a rain check?"
So now I wait and see. If she calls, it's on, completely, no two ways about it. But if I call her and she agrees to go out, it might mean I've got her, but it might just mean dinner.
~
Speaking of married-
A friend of mine who's a real street kid; he's 30 and has lived on his own since he was 16. Doesn't know where his mom is, and his dad rarely speaks to him and is kind of a nomad. Has never had a real job that I really knew of; always has hustled and just gotten by.
He is pretty misogynistic and meets fucked up girls on Myspace, fucks them, kind of makes them feel wanted but also treats them like shit in a subtle way.
Anyway, he invited me to a rockabilly-ish show the other night, where his friends were playing. The place was full of greaser-looking guys, and retro kitten type girls, covered in tattoos, I'm talking even neck tattoos, hand tats, etc.
Anyway, I hit on this really cute, thick girl. Her body was ok, and her hair was really well done in some old-fashioned rolls, and she was wearing a really cute dress, but what really set it off was these short shorts she had one, and fishnet stockings; something about the way her body was made just made the shorts seem even shorter. You know the kind where, there's no butt cheek hanging out, but the shorts come right up underneath so they are like a miniskirt on crack (pardon the pun).
Anyway, I had my friend's hot and fucked up date tell her, "My friend thinks you're cute." Then I rolled up on her and asked her who she came here with.
"Nobody."
"Really? Your boyfriend isn't going to see me talking to you and get pissed?"
She got all giggly and embarrassed and said, "I don't have a boyfriend!" like, "you silly goose!"
I asked whether I could take her picture, and got her email address to send it to her.
Then after she left I hit on these two girls who had been staring at me. They were probably like 23 or something; seemed kinda dumb, and cute bodies but boring faces. I got one's myspace and stuff.
Finally after they left, I hit on this pretty fuckin' big girl who had a cute face and was staring at me all night. I asked for her myspace, and she said how she doesn't have one, but turned it around on me and said "So what's your phone number?" opening her purse and getting a pen and paper. Shit! Fuck.
We hung out a while and she touched my hand and rubbed it and stuff. On the one hand I'd totally fuck her face, but on the flip side I was like, "Damn, she's not some slutbag, she's a really sweet girl who is probably lonely."
Now I felt bad that I'll have to duck her or whatever. I mean, I'd like to turn her into just a sex partner but I'd hate to hurt her feelings.
~
I went home and sleuthed that first girl, the thick one. Found her Myspace. 23 years old, and, oh, my: married! Wtf?
Song For Holly
I can make you want me
I can make you think
you need me
too
I can reassure you
that all the lies
you tell yourself are
true
I can make you think
you need me
too
I can reassure you
that all the lies
you tell yourself are
true
Friday, October 27, 2006
Fire in the twilight
Lots of changes. I keep wanting to compose a post for this blog but I never have alone time to really sit down and type.
I've been pretty good. I haven't laid a finger on another woman since March 26 or so, I'm sorry to say. Sorry in a way. In a way I don't care; in another way I worry that I'll regret it later, when I'm old and can't get any girls to give me the time of day.
I've met a few women and got some minor flirtations going on. I find that if they're too nice, it instantly rules them out for me. I just get turned off.
One of them is the spittin' image of a 40-year old version of the 21 year old. Amazing. However, she's the opposite, a real sweetheart. I could sense her desire to meet someone special, but I could also sense her goody-two-shoes-ness. She works at a company we bought, so I did all the little things like leave my cell phone for her boss, and of course she calls me on it. But the first time she said "I thought about moving, and I prayed on it," I knew she was 100% ruled out, completely unworkable. I want excitement and passion; I don't want to lead on a poor desperate girl and hurt her feelings.
Another is a Thai chick, about 30. She's got money and lives out here with some guy in order to get her green card or something. She's interested but I feel like she's another nice one. Clearly she's sneaky - she implied she was single, but I found out the real story, for example - and motivated by money, but even so, I feel sorry for her. She must be very lonely here.
I was very flirty with her and got her to basically suggest that we go to this Thai restaurant I had heard about up in Hollywood, but why? I don't want to fuck her. I'm not sure I could even take her seriously as a sexual partner so I don't even think I'd want to make out with her. I'm not sure we could really become friends. I wonder, though. Anyway, I pity her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I also have been flirting with the mother of this 19 year old model we hired. The model also happens to look one hell of a lot like the 21 year old. The mom doesn't, but she's divorced, a high ranking executive, and rich as fuck. She also feels unattractive and I'm sure she feels shit on due to her husband doing the usual Orange County thing and dumping her for a hot girl scarcely older than his daughter.
On the one hand I want to get something going on, like take her to dinner and get a flirtation going on, but on the other hand I'm scared it may backfire and she'd tell my boss, the CEO of my company, and I'd get canned. I also worry that if it did go over well, she'd get too attached to me and I'd hurt her feelings.
She's a multi fucking scrillionaire so I fantasize that I could turn her into a sugar mama. I'm not sure what I'd want, though. A new motorcycle? A badder-ass digital camera? Clothes? Eh. I'm getting old; I don't even want stuff.
I also kind of have something going with this woman at a vendor of ours. She's not super hot but she has big tits. We were talking about marriage and she cracked some joke about how she's married for the second time and this husband is a whole other problem she needs to take care of. She said she'd go to dinner with me sometime but I sense she's on the fence about cheating on him or not.
Finally, I've been really bold with the CEO's 41 year old ex-wife. She's going to be on a TV show debuting this fall; she's extremely beautiful. One day she was sitting down and asked me whether I was married. I opened my eyes wide and stared right at her massive fake tits and said, "Not at the moment!" She replied that I was terrible but didn't stop smiling or break eye contact, so I knew she was enjoying it. From that point on I've been really physically forward and dominant with her, like grabbing her hair at the back of her head with one hand, and rubbing her cheekbone hard with the thumb of my other hand; or grabbing her waist with both hands and manhandling her, telling her I'm going to destroy her. She eats it up. She would be an absolute blast in bed.
I miss the two girls I had to dump because I got caught. One in particular, the dog fucker. She was a good friend, maybe one of the best friends I've had. She left a message for me on Yahoo messenger saying I had hurt her really badly. I have been meaning to write her an email or a letter to apologize. I hope I can take some of the hurt away.
Speaking of married women, I'm trying to figure out whether I'm for sure harming a girl by getting her to cheat on her husband/boyfriend. For some it's for sure "yes," but I think for some of them it must be no, like girls who need attention. But I do wonder.
The other day I was getting my hair cut at a hispanic-female-owned salon in L.A. The chick who owned it was kinda cute, but had big latin tits so that bumped her up a notch. She had a wedding ring but gave me her business card and circled her cell phone number. I want to call her because I love latin women and brown skin and big tits (and small ones too, but you know what I mean), but I don't want to make her feel bad about herself.
On the other hand, what if her husband is a total piece of shit and this gives her a smile to come home with to give to her kids (if she has any)? What if he puts her down for her figure or looks or something, and this gives her self-confidence, making her feel better about herself knowing that someone finds her attractive? What if she cheats on him all the time and thinks nothing of it?
I don't know. All I want any more are kinky sluts, preferably married. It sounds like the opposite of wanting to get close to someone, but that's not it at all.
I want married women so I can prove to myself I'm attractive enough to get them to come to me, and of course also for the practical aspects like them being tied to their husband so I don't have to date them or spend holidays with them.
Knowing I won't have to launch into a big old monogamous relationship with them, in a way allows me to open up more. It's safer.
This evening driving home from work the horizon was filled with hazy smoke in every direction, from the wildfire in Palm Springs. The sunset was glowing bright red and huge, bigger and redder than any sunset I've ever seen, even in photos, due to the refraction from all the smoke in the air. I wondered what the sunsets must look like in Shanghai.
I've been pretty good. I haven't laid a finger on another woman since March 26 or so, I'm sorry to say. Sorry in a way. In a way I don't care; in another way I worry that I'll regret it later, when I'm old and can't get any girls to give me the time of day.
I've met a few women and got some minor flirtations going on. I find that if they're too nice, it instantly rules them out for me. I just get turned off.
One of them is the spittin' image of a 40-year old version of the 21 year old. Amazing. However, she's the opposite, a real sweetheart. I could sense her desire to meet someone special, but I could also sense her goody-two-shoes-ness. She works at a company we bought, so I did all the little things like leave my cell phone for her boss, and of course she calls me on it. But the first time she said "I thought about moving, and I prayed on it," I knew she was 100% ruled out, completely unworkable. I want excitement and passion; I don't want to lead on a poor desperate girl and hurt her feelings.
Another is a Thai chick, about 30. She's got money and lives out here with some guy in order to get her green card or something. She's interested but I feel like she's another nice one. Clearly she's sneaky - she implied she was single, but I found out the real story, for example - and motivated by money, but even so, I feel sorry for her. She must be very lonely here.
I was very flirty with her and got her to basically suggest that we go to this Thai restaurant I had heard about up in Hollywood, but why? I don't want to fuck her. I'm not sure I could even take her seriously as a sexual partner so I don't even think I'd want to make out with her. I'm not sure we could really become friends. I wonder, though. Anyway, I pity her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I also have been flirting with the mother of this 19 year old model we hired. The model also happens to look one hell of a lot like the 21 year old. The mom doesn't, but she's divorced, a high ranking executive, and rich as fuck. She also feels unattractive and I'm sure she feels shit on due to her husband doing the usual Orange County thing and dumping her for a hot girl scarcely older than his daughter.
On the one hand I want to get something going on, like take her to dinner and get a flirtation going on, but on the other hand I'm scared it may backfire and she'd tell my boss, the CEO of my company, and I'd get canned. I also worry that if it did go over well, she'd get too attached to me and I'd hurt her feelings.
She's a multi fucking scrillionaire so I fantasize that I could turn her into a sugar mama. I'm not sure what I'd want, though. A new motorcycle? A badder-ass digital camera? Clothes? Eh. I'm getting old; I don't even want stuff.
I also kind of have something going with this woman at a vendor of ours. She's not super hot but she has big tits. We were talking about marriage and she cracked some joke about how she's married for the second time and this husband is a whole other problem she needs to take care of. She said she'd go to dinner with me sometime but I sense she's on the fence about cheating on him or not.
Finally, I've been really bold with the CEO's 41 year old ex-wife. She's going to be on a TV show debuting this fall; she's extremely beautiful. One day she was sitting down and asked me whether I was married. I opened my eyes wide and stared right at her massive fake tits and said, "Not at the moment!" She replied that I was terrible but didn't stop smiling or break eye contact, so I knew she was enjoying it. From that point on I've been really physically forward and dominant with her, like grabbing her hair at the back of her head with one hand, and rubbing her cheekbone hard with the thumb of my other hand; or grabbing her waist with both hands and manhandling her, telling her I'm going to destroy her. She eats it up. She would be an absolute blast in bed.
I miss the two girls I had to dump because I got caught. One in particular, the dog fucker. She was a good friend, maybe one of the best friends I've had. She left a message for me on Yahoo messenger saying I had hurt her really badly. I have been meaning to write her an email or a letter to apologize. I hope I can take some of the hurt away.
Speaking of married women, I'm trying to figure out whether I'm for sure harming a girl by getting her to cheat on her husband/boyfriend. For some it's for sure "yes," but I think for some of them it must be no, like girls who need attention. But I do wonder.
The other day I was getting my hair cut at a hispanic-female-owned salon in L.A. The chick who owned it was kinda cute, but had big latin tits so that bumped her up a notch. She had a wedding ring but gave me her business card and circled her cell phone number. I want to call her because I love latin women and brown skin and big tits (and small ones too, but you know what I mean), but I don't want to make her feel bad about herself.
On the other hand, what if her husband is a total piece of shit and this gives her a smile to come home with to give to her kids (if she has any)? What if he puts her down for her figure or looks or something, and this gives her self-confidence, making her feel better about herself knowing that someone finds her attractive? What if she cheats on him all the time and thinks nothing of it?
I don't know. All I want any more are kinky sluts, preferably married. It sounds like the opposite of wanting to get close to someone, but that's not it at all.
I want married women so I can prove to myself I'm attractive enough to get them to come to me, and of course also for the practical aspects like them being tied to their husband so I don't have to date them or spend holidays with them.
Knowing I won't have to launch into a big old monogamous relationship with them, in a way allows me to open up more. It's safer.
This evening driving home from work the horizon was filled with hazy smoke in every direction, from the wildfire in Palm Springs. The sunset was glowing bright red and huge, bigger and redder than any sunset I've ever seen, even in photos, due to the refraction from all the smoke in the air. I wondered what the sunsets must look like in Shanghai.
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Oops
I was literally falling asleep when I wrote that last one. I mean like, I'd wake up and see that I had switched topics midsentence. So if I'm not my usual Nobel-deserving effervescent writin' self, now you know why.
Rumble
I was committed to having a normal hobby and investing in the family, but now that my wife has ruined that for me, I think I'm going to go all the way back to cheating on her.
If I go through with it, it will be different this time. I'm going to have to be as careful as possible, no more lackadaisical flying by the seat of my pants. Every single thing I do is watched and investigated so I'll have to keep everything 100% locked down and under control.
Also, before it was about having fun, falling in love, and in a way, searching for a better match. But now it will be about two things, either crazy sex, or money. Nothing else.
I say "if." In the back of my head I feel like it's not "if," it's "when."
At my new job I'm surrounded by all these fucked up MILFs, fucked up women in their 30's, and teens/20-somethings who have been, and are being, fucked up by their fucked up parents and surroundings.
I've noticed myself already analyzing, weighing out, probing, developing.
There's a quarter-Puerto Rican chick , 30-ish, 5'4" maybe, skinny, very cute face that somehow unfortunately resembles Michael Jackson, no self esteem whatsoever, fake tits for god knows what reason. I feel sorry for her; she used to be with this total obvious piece of shit guy who is completely full of shit. I can't believe someone that hot would get with such a dirtbag.
Just Saturday night at a party where I literally didn't even try to meet anyone, I connected with four for-sure hookups, and spotted a few more potentials
As an example of a potential hookup, there's the aforementioned dirtbag's current girlfriend - one of them. He's cheating on her with at least one girl, and I totally feel scorn for him, for being that way. Shut the fuck up, I don't even want to hear anyone's shit about how I'm just as bad. It's different. He's doing it for different reasons.
Anyway his girlfriend is Colombian and amazingly hot, I mean she should be (if she isn't already, in Colombia and Mexico or wherever) in movies. I could upstage him since I speak Spanish, and right in front of her, warn her about him cheating on her, explaining that I have no stake in the game and don't even know her, and so on. Once she dumped him, I could track her down.
Then I met this Thai chick who is a little younger than me, very cute, and very wealthy. She moved here alone, to the Orange County counterpart of Bel Air, inside the Orange County counterpart of Beverly Hills. She's loaded beyond imagination. I know where she lives; f you add up the total amount of money most people will make over the course of their entire lives, her house cost more than that.
I asked her about where to get good Thai food and she mentioned she likes to go to a place in L.A., but she couldn't remember the name. I asked, "The Palms?" Her face lit up. I explained that a Thai friend of mine had said it was the best Thai place in Southern California, though I had never been there. I said we should go sometime, and when she agreed, I asked whether her husband would mind. She explained that she's not married; she used to be a model in Thailand, then got into business, and finally moved here because "In Thailand, movie make United State seem everything perfect." I even asked whether she moved her with anyone else, since maybe she moved her with her parents or sibling(s) or an ex-husband. She said, "No. One." and held up one finger.
I took her picture and she gave me her email address to send it there. When she was away for a moment, I asked her friend, an older Thai woman, "If I ask her for her phone number, will she mind?"
"No. I give you."
"Are you sure it's ok?"
"No problem. I give you."
She opens up her cell phone and scrolls to it, holding it so I can copy it down. "You have pen?"
Needless to say, I found a pen.
Funnily enough, 5 minutes later I again pulled the older woman aside and said "Are you sure it's ok if I just call her?"
"No, it fine. I already tell her."
"You already tell her what?!"
"I tell her I give you."
"You told her you gave me her phone number?"
"Yes, no problem."
Fuck! Why is this lady so intent on greasing the skids? Well, who cares, that's a hookup.
I waited Sunday and Monday; I'll call her tomorrow. If my wife's working I'll take this chick to dinner. Maybe I will anyway.
I would totally fuck her for money. I can already tell in the back of my head how I'll play it. She's no dummy. She's probably been around gigolos before, and I don't mean male escorts, I mean male golddiggers.
I'll probably need to very-convincingly play like I have no interest in money, my own nor anyone else's, and I'll mix in a huge dose of "I pay for everything; it's a pride thing for me." Once she sees me not milking her, she'll cut loose. If I really work it, I bet I could get her to buy me some really nice shit.
But I don't know that I want to.
I want the shit, I just don't want to take from her. Even if she's super wealthy, in a way it's off-putting.
Honestly, the same thing is true for sex. She totally dug me and theoretically might be a blast in bed. But I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hell, even a little asian mole near her cleavage kinda bugged me.
Speaking of such things, there's this girl I'm connected to through work. She's 20 or so, very hot, and looks strikingly (even in stature and body) like the 21 year old of days gone by. Her mom is not hot, and is too big in the body region for me, but she's a very high ranking executive at a very large and very famous corporation. Talk about money, this woman is rolling in it. Anyway I told the mom that I could see from whence her daughter got her good looks. She said, "She doesn't look anything like me. Have you seen her father? She gets her looks from him." I allowed that I hadn't seen him, and she explained that he was across the room with his girlfriend, and that I should spill my drink on him.
I feigned pleasant surprise that she was single, and said that if she needs a stepfather for her daughter, "let me know." She immediately called me on it, saying, "I think you mean, if my daughter needs a boyfriend." I scoffed and said I was too old for her daughter, asking the girl's age. When she told me (I can't remember, not that it matters), I said "See? Way too young for me. I can't be any less than 2 years younger than you."
She informed me I was very charming but trying to be a big flatterer. I stuck to my guns, saying I was 36 and that's why her daughter is way too young for me, and that I thought she (the mom) had to be 38 or so. "Why, how old are you?"
"50!"
When I asked her incredulously, "You're not 38 or 40?" she said, "Actually I'm 52."
We flirted some more, but, I bet with a very very minor effort, I could turn that into a cash cow for me. I'm going to call her under some pretense tomorrow, but really a double pretense. I'm going to make it look like I'm calling about one thing but using it as an excuse to talk to her. In reality that whole situation is planned and the goal is to get her to treat me like a sugar mama.
My friend told me his dad died a year ago, and that before he died, his dad said he should do what he wants to be doing, with his life. "You're always saving for that rainy day and it never comes."
In my case it probably will come and I won't have saved up for an umbrella. But if I'm lucky I'll have a safe place, like one of my girls' place.
If I go through with it, it will be different this time. I'm going to have to be as careful as possible, no more lackadaisical flying by the seat of my pants. Every single thing I do is watched and investigated so I'll have to keep everything 100% locked down and under control.
Also, before it was about having fun, falling in love, and in a way, searching for a better match. But now it will be about two things, either crazy sex, or money. Nothing else.
I say "if." In the back of my head I feel like it's not "if," it's "when."
At my new job I'm surrounded by all these fucked up MILFs, fucked up women in their 30's, and teens/20-somethings who have been, and are being, fucked up by their fucked up parents and surroundings.
I've noticed myself already analyzing, weighing out, probing, developing.
There's a quarter-Puerto Rican chick , 30-ish, 5'4" maybe, skinny, very cute face that somehow unfortunately resembles Michael Jackson, no self esteem whatsoever, fake tits for god knows what reason. I feel sorry for her; she used to be with this total obvious piece of shit guy who is completely full of shit. I can't believe someone that hot would get with such a dirtbag.
Just Saturday night at a party where I literally didn't even try to meet anyone, I connected with four for-sure hookups, and spotted a few more potentials
As an example of a potential hookup, there's the aforementioned dirtbag's current girlfriend - one of them. He's cheating on her with at least one girl, and I totally feel scorn for him, for being that way. Shut the fuck up, I don't even want to hear anyone's shit about how I'm just as bad. It's different. He's doing it for different reasons.
Anyway his girlfriend is Colombian and amazingly hot, I mean she should be (if she isn't already, in Colombia and Mexico or wherever) in movies. I could upstage him since I speak Spanish, and right in front of her, warn her about him cheating on her, explaining that I have no stake in the game and don't even know her, and so on. Once she dumped him, I could track her down.
Then I met this Thai chick who is a little younger than me, very cute, and very wealthy. She moved here alone, to the Orange County counterpart of Bel Air, inside the Orange County counterpart of Beverly Hills. She's loaded beyond imagination. I know where she lives; f you add up the total amount of money most people will make over the course of their entire lives, her house cost more than that.
I asked her about where to get good Thai food and she mentioned she likes to go to a place in L.A., but she couldn't remember the name. I asked, "The Palms?" Her face lit up. I explained that a Thai friend of mine had said it was the best Thai place in Southern California, though I had never been there. I said we should go sometime, and when she agreed, I asked whether her husband would mind. She explained that she's not married; she used to be a model in Thailand, then got into business, and finally moved here because "In Thailand, movie make United State seem everything perfect." I even asked whether she moved her with anyone else, since maybe she moved her with her parents or sibling(s) or an ex-husband. She said, "No. One." and held up one finger.
I took her picture and she gave me her email address to send it there. When she was away for a moment, I asked her friend, an older Thai woman, "If I ask her for her phone number, will she mind?"
"No. I give you."
"Are you sure it's ok?"
"No problem. I give you."
She opens up her cell phone and scrolls to it, holding it so I can copy it down. "You have pen?"
Needless to say, I found a pen.
Funnily enough, 5 minutes later I again pulled the older woman aside and said "Are you sure it's ok if I just call her?"
"No, it fine. I already tell her."
"You already tell her what?!"
"I tell her I give you."
"You told her you gave me her phone number?"
"Yes, no problem."
Fuck! Why is this lady so intent on greasing the skids? Well, who cares, that's a hookup.
I waited Sunday and Monday; I'll call her tomorrow. If my wife's working I'll take this chick to dinner. Maybe I will anyway.
I would totally fuck her for money. I can already tell in the back of my head how I'll play it. She's no dummy. She's probably been around gigolos before, and I don't mean male escorts, I mean male golddiggers.
I'll probably need to very-convincingly play like I have no interest in money, my own nor anyone else's, and I'll mix in a huge dose of "I pay for everything; it's a pride thing for me." Once she sees me not milking her, she'll cut loose. If I really work it, I bet I could get her to buy me some really nice shit.
But I don't know that I want to.
I want the shit, I just don't want to take from her. Even if she's super wealthy, in a way it's off-putting.
Honestly, the same thing is true for sex. She totally dug me and theoretically might be a blast in bed. But I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hell, even a little asian mole near her cleavage kinda bugged me.
Speaking of such things, there's this girl I'm connected to through work. She's 20 or so, very hot, and looks strikingly (even in stature and body) like the 21 year old of days gone by. Her mom is not hot, and is too big in the body region for me, but she's a very high ranking executive at a very large and very famous corporation. Talk about money, this woman is rolling in it. Anyway I told the mom that I could see from whence her daughter got her good looks. She said, "She doesn't look anything like me. Have you seen her father? She gets her looks from him." I allowed that I hadn't seen him, and she explained that he was across the room with his girlfriend, and that I should spill my drink on him.
I feigned pleasant surprise that she was single, and said that if she needs a stepfather for her daughter, "let me know." She immediately called me on it, saying, "I think you mean, if my daughter needs a boyfriend." I scoffed and said I was too old for her daughter, asking the girl's age. When she told me (I can't remember, not that it matters), I said "See? Way too young for me. I can't be any less than 2 years younger than you."
She informed me I was very charming but trying to be a big flatterer. I stuck to my guns, saying I was 36 and that's why her daughter is way too young for me, and that I thought she (the mom) had to be 38 or so. "Why, how old are you?"
"50!"
When I asked her incredulously, "You're not 38 or 40?" she said, "Actually I'm 52."
We flirted some more, but, I bet with a very very minor effort, I could turn that into a cash cow for me. I'm going to call her under some pretense tomorrow, but really a double pretense. I'm going to make it look like I'm calling about one thing but using it as an excuse to talk to her. In reality that whole situation is planned and the goal is to get her to treat me like a sugar mama.
My friend told me his dad died a year ago, and that before he died, his dad said he should do what he wants to be doing, with his life. "You're always saving for that rainy day and it never comes."
In my case it probably will come and I won't have saved up for an umbrella. But if I'm lucky I'll have a safe place, like one of my girls' place.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Updates - full circle
I've had a bunch of changes of course, over the past several months. I haven't gotten around to writing, though.
· Got 22 year old
· who turned out to be 20
· Lost her
· Didn't really want her anyhow
· Day after we broke up, my Mexican mistress stopped talking to me
· She's pregnant by some 26 year old Mexican guy
· Who already has 2 other illegitimate kids
· But she just recently called me and apologized.
· It was the hormones.
· We met and went to dinner
· Now more than ever I pity her.
· Wife caught me being friends with two of my girls I don't fuck
· had to fire them.
· Now I miss being friends with them.
· Got new high paying kickback job
· where I don't even have to really work
· but am surrounded by O.C. girls and MILFs who are super hot
· and dumb
· but I'm not fucking any of them
· Or even trying to
· But I feel like I should be.
· Worried I'll have regrets when I'm older that I didn't get more women when I could
· By the way, it's official: I now trust no-one.
· Found a great new healthy hobby
· Actually enjoyed something for the first time in years
· Started attending marriage counseling with wife
· For once, didn't want to chase girls
· Wanted to spend time with my family and my hobby
· Wife destroyed my hobby and all pleasure I took from it
· That was really the last straw
· I really can't get my hopes up any more for enjoying anything
· Now I'm wondering what to do with myself.
· Thought about it for a while
· Decided I'm best off chasing girls again.
· It's what I'm good at.
Back to square one.
Monday, July 31, 2006
Waiting / Room
About that chick; I have mixed feelings about that type of girls' thing about verbal humiliation in bed. On the one hand it's fun because:
- they're looking for it
- and not a lot of guys are actually good at dirty talk, so it's nice to be the wilder and more exciting lover
- it scratches the girl's itch
- it's fun
It's great because most guys are sitting there fantasizing about the usual stuff like getting their chick to have a threesome or anal sex or swallow or whatever the usuals are, whereas I'm in her house or the hooker motel indulging my every whim while I call them a dirty slut or a fucking whore. Then I punish them for it, like order them kneel while I slap their face or tits several times, whip their pussy with a belt, or whatever. Then I reward them for doing a good job at taking their punishment, by making them do something else. Then I get to punish them for it! And so on.
Anyway on the one hand they have orgasms, they tell me they dig it, they call me and ask for more, and so on. It's fun if it gets a girl off that I'm using one of her orifices while telling her "This is what you're good for," but at the same time, is that what I want her to believe? I feel as though I'm giving the heroin to the junkie: yeah it's pleasing to them, but is it truly good for them or is it hurting them?
~
And yet, when they tell me they know it's just a game, I have to think, well, this is an adult, and they seemed to keep it in the bedroom completely.
Something over nothing
I guess it's better to post something rather than not-post a big post I've got brewing in my head.
The past several months have been tumultuous. Getting girls, losing them, lots of big changes in my knowledge and I've learned some big things about life and so on. I've made some good progress in how I do things. Despite being suicidal 90% of the time, I'm having a good time in a way. It's interesting and occasionally exciting.
I started going to therapy 2-3 months ago and am learning a lot from it. He's a therapist, not a doctor, but before I found him, the first guy I tried was a psychiatrist and it went like this:
I went into the office and started to fill out the clipboard. Before I was halfway done, the psychiatrist came out, looking like a cross between Lurch and an undertaker, zero warmth, which made me feel like he thought all the people in the waiting room were psychos. He ushered me into his office and told me to finish the clipboard later, speaking gently in measured tones, avoiding any contractions such as "here's" or "I've," as if he had to be very careful about what he said and how he said it to avoid triggering my violent psychosis.
His office was the usual dark wood and leather you imagine for high-end shrinks, and he asked me a series of maybe 20 questions, and wrote down my responses. Why are you here? Why do you believe you're depressed? Etc.
When I'd answer, after a moment he'd interrupt by moving onto the next question. Oh-kayyyyy...
It took maybe 5 minutes tops, if that. When he was done he paused and said "I've diagnosed you as depressed and here is how I arrived at that diagnosis: "
He then proceeded to read his notes and repeated back to me what I had told him!
He then wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant. He said it may affect my libido. Uh, hello, were you even listening? Ladies man here!
Anyway, I asked, "What about therapy?"
This fucking guy told me, "Let's hold off on that until we try the medication for a month and see how that works out," and began to usher me out. I saw his Lexus keys on the hardwood bookshelf next to the door.
In the waiting room he took the next patient and I resumed filling out the clipboard. After the exact interval of time that my sit-down with him took, he reappeared with the next patient, who had her prescription in hand, and she began completing her unfinished clipboard. Amazing! The guy is a total pill-pusher. Hold off on therapy, and just treat the symptom? What a piece of shit this guy is.
I was still tempted to come back, though, because this other chick in the waiting room was smoking hot.
the story ended so nicely like that, but here are the details for those who want them:
She looked like a total idiot, not making fun of her, just saying, she looked not very intelligent. She was very stylish, though, in her classy trash way, with a little white ivy cap on, a fluffy white jacket, bleach blonde hair, a very beautiful face with way took much makeup, hip-hop style jewelry, $300 jeans, expensive purse nails bracelets rings, too skinny (not a turn-on, ladies), fake tan, with big fake tits (again, not a turn-on, but it does mean good things if I'm looking for an easy girl with low self-esteem). She's the kind of girl who tells you she likes being called a slut and a whore, in bed.
The past several months have been tumultuous. Getting girls, losing them, lots of big changes in my knowledge and I've learned some big things about life and so on. I've made some good progress in how I do things. Despite being suicidal 90% of the time, I'm having a good time in a way. It's interesting and occasionally exciting.
I started going to therapy 2-3 months ago and am learning a lot from it. He's a therapist, not a doctor, but before I found him, the first guy I tried was a psychiatrist and it went like this:
I went into the office and started to fill out the clipboard. Before I was halfway done, the psychiatrist came out, looking like a cross between Lurch and an undertaker, zero warmth, which made me feel like he thought all the people in the waiting room were psychos. He ushered me into his office and told me to finish the clipboard later, speaking gently in measured tones, avoiding any contractions such as "here's" or "I've," as if he had to be very careful about what he said and how he said it to avoid triggering my violent psychosis.
His office was the usual dark wood and leather you imagine for high-end shrinks, and he asked me a series of maybe 20 questions, and wrote down my responses. Why are you here? Why do you believe you're depressed? Etc.
When I'd answer, after a moment he'd interrupt by moving onto the next question. Oh-kayyyyy...
It took maybe 5 minutes tops, if that. When he was done he paused and said "I've diagnosed you as depressed and here is how I arrived at that diagnosis: "
He then proceeded to read his notes and repeated back to me what I had told him!
He then wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant. He said it may affect my libido. Uh, hello, were you even listening? Ladies man here!
Anyway, I asked, "What about therapy?"
This fucking guy told me, "Let's hold off on that until we try the medication for a month and see how that works out," and began to usher me out. I saw his Lexus keys on the hardwood bookshelf next to the door.
In the waiting room he took the next patient and I resumed filling out the clipboard. After the exact interval of time that my sit-down with him took, he reappeared with the next patient, who had her prescription in hand, and she began completing her unfinished clipboard. Amazing! The guy is a total pill-pusher. Hold off on therapy, and just treat the symptom? What a piece of shit this guy is.
I was still tempted to come back, though, because this other chick in the waiting room was smoking hot.
~
the story ended so nicely like that, but here are the details for those who want them:
She looked like a total idiot, not making fun of her, just saying, she looked not very intelligent. She was very stylish, though, in her classy trash way, with a little white ivy cap on, a fluffy white jacket, bleach blonde hair, a very beautiful face with way took much makeup, hip-hop style jewelry, $300 jeans, expensive purse nails bracelets rings, too skinny (not a turn-on, ladies), fake tan, with big fake tits (again, not a turn-on, but it does mean good things if I'm looking for an easy girl with low self-esteem). She's the kind of girl who tells you she likes being called a slut and a whore, in bed.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Let's try again
It's nice knowing there are people out there who read this, even after all that time with no posts. Thanks to you folks who sent your support.
So, I got the girl, the 21/22/23 year old. The deal with the age was that she had to lie and say she was 18 when she signed up for all these sex personals sites. So she's 21 now.
Anyway, I got her, and lost her. And got her back. Now she's back and I'm trying to be smart about it.
Loyal readers may remember I gave up the Mexican girl, my mistress, early last year, with two brief encounters but no other contact. Well, I got her back partway over the past few months, and just over the past few weeks, I'm pretty sure she's mine for the taking. But I'm not taking her. Amazing, huh?
I got the Domme as a good friend, lost her, got her back as a good friend, and lost her again. I'm waiting a while before I go after her again.
I also lost another friend, the girl who fucked the dog, but got her back, as a friend. I told her I want to only be friends. It feels better than ever right now.
I've got another couple girls on my workspace right now as well. One is a super-hippie-vegan girl of latin descent who is 27 and SUPER cute, and a single mom of a 3-1/2 yaer old.
The other is a hot Mexican American chick who is 39 but looks early 30's. She's fun and would get together with me despite having a boyfriend (he's 27. Good for her!), but for some reason I have zero attraction to her. On the phone we just don't connect so she seems almost like a dingbat, which she's not at all.
So far I'm keeping the vegan chick purely as friends and it feels good. She wanted to bone right off the bat but I just couldn't bring myself to. She's too angelic. She saw I on my profile on a personals page, that one of my Groups had to do with "submissive and slave girls group." I had figured that would be a place to meet kinky chicks of course, but I am WAY not into identifying with it as a "lifestyle." Being into BDSM anyplace outside the bedroom is like being into Dungeons and Dragons or vampires or gothic stuff - NOT cool when you're over the age of like 22 or so. Anyway she asked me, "I saw you belong to" (that group). "Could you help me to understand why?" Please. I like to fuck girls who get off on me taking charge and doing whatever the fuck I want to them. But she is so full of love and health and good and positivity that she'd never understand that. So I said I'm into the fashion, like girls who are into doing Bettie Page-style photo shoots.
In a way I want to be done with all the lies and fucking around but I feel like it's my lot in life. So I'm starting another chase. Isn't that fucked up?
I was talking to the girl who fucked the dog last week. She has a boyfriend way up North who - to my mind - is clearly cheating on her but she can't see it. She met him on the same BDSM personals site I met her on. He sets up these gangbangs, then comes down to L.A. and he and other guys fuck her while he takes pictures.
He claims he's living with his ex-g.f. who he's going to marry so he can become an American citizen. But I'm positive he's in a real relationship with that chick. He claims he and his fake fiancee are moving to L.A. and is going to be in a committed relationship with my friend (dogfucker), but I'm sure it won't happen.
She was asking about my booty-call situation and found out to her surprise I'm not fucking anyone at all right now. We had a big talk about it. See, I don't know how to get a booty-call girl, or how to keep one. All I know how to do is make girls fall in love with me, and make myself fall in love with them. There are fleeting highs but it's mostly tons of heartbreak and heartache.
Anyway she asked why I don't hit up some of these girls on the BDSM sites and get myself a booty call chick without all the complication. I told her how I never
wanted to hit up any of my top choices because there isn't an unlimited supply of hot kinky girls who are really good looking on those sites. I never want to try because I don't want to strike out. Because, I know I could get most of those girls to go for me if I were in person and in regular charming form. But it sucks that online it's hard to really shine, when you have to hit someone up out of the blue and don't have all these things around you to make jokes about or comment about or riff on, nor can you gauge their reaction and fine tune things and make adjustments in realtime. I hate the idea that someone I COULD have gotten, thinks I'm a dork, just because the internet came between us.
But I realized, if I don't hit anyone up, I'll never get anywhere. So I decided to hit up this one chick I've been lusting after online for three years now - another girl who lied about her age to register for a bunch of sex sites - and had never contacted, well, I was pretty disappointed to see she hadn't been on this one BDSM site for almost a year. Fuck. The chili spoiled in the bottle before I even opened it. But that's what happens when you pass on a perfectly good opportunity.
Then I noticed she had logged on recently to another sex personals site within the past month. Yes!!
I was going to hit her up but realized, I'm 36, and I think her profile used to say that about 27 was her limit, a year ago. Maybe 28 could fly. But once you put in your age on that site, it's locked in.
Luckily for me I already had two accounts on that site; one truthful one, and one that claims I'm 28. I started to rewrite that profile but I just absolutely suck at online profiles. If I try, whatever comes out of my brain is crap, and if I don't try, it's crap.
Basically, I rule, though. I'll admit that. You see, two days ago I tried putting her email address into my Messenger and lo and behold, the next morning it showed she had allowed me to Add her. Yes!!
Without ever chatting with her, today she sent me one of those sex survey websites. Her score came up as fairly kinky. I emailed her back with what I hope was a wise move. This should be good. I can feel it starting already.
I also found a way - damn I'm good - to correlate her email address with her Myspace. And I found her Myspace. It says she's 19. Doh!
What's strange is, no-one has left any comments on her Myspace for like a year. And she only has 23 Friends. Yet she logged in just a few days ago.
It's as if she has no real friends. In some of her pics she looks playful but in others she looks tightlipped and closed off. I guess that makes sense though - she's been on those online sex sites for at least since she was 16, so I imagine pretty much any girl doing that, has been molested and has a reason to be closed off.
So, I got the girl, the 21/22/23 year old. The deal with the age was that she had to lie and say she was 18 when she signed up for all these sex personals sites. So she's 21 now.
Anyway, I got her, and lost her. And got her back. Now she's back and I'm trying to be smart about it.
Loyal readers may remember I gave up the Mexican girl, my mistress, early last year, with two brief encounters but no other contact. Well, I got her back partway over the past few months, and just over the past few weeks, I'm pretty sure she's mine for the taking. But I'm not taking her. Amazing, huh?
I got the Domme as a good friend, lost her, got her back as a good friend, and lost her again. I'm waiting a while before I go after her again.
I also lost another friend, the girl who fucked the dog, but got her back, as a friend. I told her I want to only be friends. It feels better than ever right now.
I've got another couple girls on my workspace right now as well. One is a super-hippie-vegan girl of latin descent who is 27 and SUPER cute, and a single mom of a 3-1/2 yaer old.
The other is a hot Mexican American chick who is 39 but looks early 30's. She's fun and would get together with me despite having a boyfriend (he's 27. Good for her!), but for some reason I have zero attraction to her. On the phone we just don't connect so she seems almost like a dingbat, which she's not at all.
So far I'm keeping the vegan chick purely as friends and it feels good. She wanted to bone right off the bat but I just couldn't bring myself to. She's too angelic. She saw I on my profile on a personals page, that one of my Groups had to do with "submissive and slave girls group." I had figured that would be a place to meet kinky chicks of course, but I am WAY not into identifying with it as a "lifestyle." Being into BDSM anyplace outside the bedroom is like being into Dungeons and Dragons or vampires or gothic stuff - NOT cool when you're over the age of like 22 or so. Anyway she asked me, "I saw you belong to" (that group). "Could you help me to understand why?" Please. I like to fuck girls who get off on me taking charge and doing whatever the fuck I want to them. But she is so full of love and health and good and positivity that she'd never understand that. So I said I'm into the fashion, like girls who are into doing Bettie Page-style photo shoots.
In a way I want to be done with all the lies and fucking around but I feel like it's my lot in life. So I'm starting another chase. Isn't that fucked up?
~
I was talking to the girl who fucked the dog last week. She has a boyfriend way up North who - to my mind - is clearly cheating on her but she can't see it. She met him on the same BDSM personals site I met her on. He sets up these gangbangs, then comes down to L.A. and he and other guys fuck her while he takes pictures.
He claims he's living with his ex-g.f. who he's going to marry so he can become an American citizen. But I'm positive he's in a real relationship with that chick. He claims he and his fake fiancee are moving to L.A. and is going to be in a committed relationship with my friend (dogfucker), but I'm sure it won't happen.
She was asking about my booty-call situation and found out to her surprise I'm not fucking anyone at all right now. We had a big talk about it. See, I don't know how to get a booty-call girl, or how to keep one. All I know how to do is make girls fall in love with me, and make myself fall in love with them. There are fleeting highs but it's mostly tons of heartbreak and heartache.
Anyway she asked why I don't hit up some of these girls on the BDSM sites and get myself a booty call chick without all the complication. I told her how I never
wanted to hit up any of my top choices because there isn't an unlimited supply of hot kinky girls who are really good looking on those sites. I never want to try because I don't want to strike out. Because, I know I could get most of those girls to go for me if I were in person and in regular charming form. But it sucks that online it's hard to really shine, when you have to hit someone up out of the blue and don't have all these things around you to make jokes about or comment about or riff on, nor can you gauge their reaction and fine tune things and make adjustments in realtime. I hate the idea that someone I COULD have gotten, thinks I'm a dork, just because the internet came between us.
But I realized, if I don't hit anyone up, I'll never get anywhere. So I decided to hit up this one chick I've been lusting after online for three years now - another girl who lied about her age to register for a bunch of sex sites - and had never contacted, well, I was pretty disappointed to see she hadn't been on this one BDSM site for almost a year. Fuck. The chili spoiled in the bottle before I even opened it. But that's what happens when you pass on a perfectly good opportunity.
Then I noticed she had logged on recently to another sex personals site within the past month. Yes!!
I was going to hit her up but realized, I'm 36, and I think her profile used to say that about 27 was her limit, a year ago. Maybe 28 could fly. But once you put in your age on that site, it's locked in.
Luckily for me I already had two accounts on that site; one truthful one, and one that claims I'm 28. I started to rewrite that profile but I just absolutely suck at online profiles. If I try, whatever comes out of my brain is crap, and if I don't try, it's crap.
Basically, I rule, though. I'll admit that. You see, two days ago I tried putting her email address into my Messenger and lo and behold, the next morning it showed she had allowed me to Add her. Yes!!
Without ever chatting with her, today she sent me one of those sex survey websites. Her score came up as fairly kinky. I emailed her back with what I hope was a wise move. This should be good. I can feel it starting already.
I also found a way - damn I'm good - to correlate her email address with her Myspace. And I found her Myspace. It says she's 19. Doh!
What's strange is, no-one has left any comments on her Myspace for like a year. And she only has 23 Friends. Yet she logged in just a few days ago.
It's as if she has no real friends. In some of her pics she looks playful but in others she looks tightlipped and closed off. I guess that makes sense though - she's been on those online sex sites for at least since she was 16, so I imagine pretty much any girl doing that, has been molested and has a reason to be closed off.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Long time no see
Holy crap, has it really been 7 months since I've posted?
A lot has changed. But I was sorting some porn the other day to save disk space (when I find a duplicate file I delete one) and found this:
I'm not sure whether I should start posting again. Even if I should, it's hard to. Some things have been really up but something things are really down. I have some adventures and some really crazy sex but I feel like if I start writing without telling it all, I'm doing it a disservice. Then again, maybe something is better than nothing.
I got that 21-year old. She turned out to be 20, not 22 - she lied about her age so she could have a profile on internet sex meetup sites. We've been dating since September or October - I guess that's why I stopped posting; I got busy and got a job and got really involved with this chick. I had to maintain normal hours again and I had to be away from home so I could talk on the phone to her in private.
In a way she's exactly like my first girlfriend, so many years ago. Same ways, same history, even the same idiosyncrasies, including those of her family. Even about the same age I guess.
It's funny, I'm torn between acting naturally - which is how I was with my first g.f. - and using everything I've learned over the past 15 years. When I fuck up by giving in to my impulses, at least I know beforehand "I think I'm about to fuck up." Sometimes I'm able to control it.
The interesting thing is how easily it is to manipulate her mind. If I knew back then what I knew now... man.
It's really kind of a crazy situation: she has a boyfriend who she loves but isn't in love with, and she can't break up with him. Partially because she loves him and, in my opinion, can't stand being alone, but partially because he caught her cheating on him (with me) and she doesn't want to get exposed to all their friends as a cheater.
Her parents and her sister all adore me and keep telling her she's making the wrong choice of guys; that she should date me. Her dad gave me both his and her mother's blessings to marry this girl, but that he made her promise to wait 4-5 years before getting hitched.
She's really an amazing person. Some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is so deep and so poetic it just blows me away, or even other people when I repeat what she's said. In some ways she makes me feel awesome, but sometimes she is incredibly rude and hurtful and selfish.
But it all comes down to me figuring out that I'm only interested in girls who are a challenge - more specifically, girls who don't love me and/or can't love me. When I meet a girl who's does love me, and is wonderful and sweet and innocent, no matter how cute she is I can't see her as sexually interesting. I see her as a child almost, or a grandmother, someone who is totally nice and who you don't consider a sexual being. If I were to sleep with her I'd feel like I were molesting her. Or, I couldn't take her seriously, if you know what I mean. And I'd feel pervy just being my regular self who prefers to be in charge and be kind of domineering. So I find girls who I have to chase, to try to squeeze the love out of them.
Problem is, I feel neither type of girl can fulfill all my needs if I keep being this way.
I've been seeing a therapist and he's really helped me learn a lot. He's the kind of therapist I needed: a guy who is in his mid or late 50's, has been around the block. He says "fuck" and "shit" and so on, thank god. He's not some stuffed shirt type.
He's also very practical and realistic. He's had his ups and downs; didn't go straight from high school to college to work without really struggling. His dad died when he was like 11, Mom died when he was 16, and his stepdad immediately kicked him out of the house. He had to make it on his own, first selling drugs, then working his way through college. So, I feel like I can talk to him more than I could some robotic, distant guy wearing a suit and tie.
One of my goals is to be a more "integrated" person who can have one woman who I can trust, feel safe talking about my emotions to, who I can be attracted to, and so on.
Other than that, I have a couple new girls, plus I've gotten back in touch with two of my previous girls. I'll write more about them I guess. I guess posting isn't so hard after all.
A lot has changed. But I was sorting some porn the other day to save disk space (when I find a duplicate file I delete one) and found this:
Wow. I downloaded the same file on the same date, one year prior. Out of all the milions of files I have, and all the thousands (approx. 3,700) days of porn harvesting.
~
I'm not sure whether I should start posting again. Even if I should, it's hard to. Some things have been really up but something things are really down. I have some adventures and some really crazy sex but I feel like if I start writing without telling it all, I'm doing it a disservice. Then again, maybe something is better than nothing.
I got that 21-year old. She turned out to be 20, not 22 - she lied about her age so she could have a profile on internet sex meetup sites. We've been dating since September or October - I guess that's why I stopped posting; I got busy and got a job and got really involved with this chick. I had to maintain normal hours again and I had to be away from home so I could talk on the phone to her in private.
In a way she's exactly like my first girlfriend, so many years ago. Same ways, same history, even the same idiosyncrasies, including those of her family. Even about the same age I guess.
It's funny, I'm torn between acting naturally - which is how I was with my first g.f. - and using everything I've learned over the past 15 years. When I fuck up by giving in to my impulses, at least I know beforehand "I think I'm about to fuck up." Sometimes I'm able to control it.
The interesting thing is how easily it is to manipulate her mind. If I knew back then what I knew now... man.
It's really kind of a crazy situation: she has a boyfriend who she loves but isn't in love with, and she can't break up with him. Partially because she loves him and, in my opinion, can't stand being alone, but partially because he caught her cheating on him (with me) and she doesn't want to get exposed to all their friends as a cheater.
Her parents and her sister all adore me and keep telling her she's making the wrong choice of guys; that she should date me. Her dad gave me both his and her mother's blessings to marry this girl, but that he made her promise to wait 4-5 years before getting hitched.
She's really an amazing person. Some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is so deep and so poetic it just blows me away, or even other people when I repeat what she's said. In some ways she makes me feel awesome, but sometimes she is incredibly rude and hurtful and selfish.
~
But it all comes down to me figuring out that I'm only interested in girls who are a challenge - more specifically, girls who don't love me and/or can't love me. When I meet a girl who's does love me, and is wonderful and sweet and innocent, no matter how cute she is I can't see her as sexually interesting. I see her as a child almost, or a grandmother, someone who is totally nice and who you don't consider a sexual being. If I were to sleep with her I'd feel like I were molesting her. Or, I couldn't take her seriously, if you know what I mean. And I'd feel pervy just being my regular self who prefers to be in charge and be kind of domineering. So I find girls who I have to chase, to try to squeeze the love out of them.
Problem is, I feel neither type of girl can fulfill all my needs if I keep being this way.
~
I've been seeing a therapist and he's really helped me learn a lot. He's the kind of therapist I needed: a guy who is in his mid or late 50's, has been around the block. He says "fuck" and "shit" and so on, thank god. He's not some stuffed shirt type.
He's also very practical and realistic. He's had his ups and downs; didn't go straight from high school to college to work without really struggling. His dad died when he was like 11, Mom died when he was 16, and his stepdad immediately kicked him out of the house. He had to make it on his own, first selling drugs, then working his way through college. So, I feel like I can talk to him more than I could some robotic, distant guy wearing a suit and tie.
One of my goals is to be a more "integrated" person who can have one woman who I can trust, feel safe talking about my emotions to, who I can be attracted to, and so on.
~
Other than that, I have a couple new girls, plus I've gotten back in touch with two of my previous girls. I'll write more about them I guess. I guess posting isn't so hard after all.
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