Fire in the twilight

Lots of changes. I keep wanting to compose a post for this blog but I never have alone time to really sit down and type.

I've been pretty good. I haven't laid a finger on another woman since March 26 or so, I'm sorry to say. Sorry in a way. In a way I don't care; in another way I worry that I'll regret it later, when I'm old and can't get any girls to give me the time of day.

I've met a few women and got some minor flirtations going on. I find that if they're too nice, it instantly rules them out for me. I just get turned off.

One of them is the spittin' image of a 40-year old version of the 21 year old. Amazing. However, she's the opposite, a real sweetheart. I could sense her desire to meet someone special, but I could also sense her goody-two-shoes-ness. She works at a company we bought, so I did all the little things like leave my cell phone for her boss, and of course she calls me on it. But the first time she said "I thought about moving, and I prayed on it," I knew she was 100% ruled out, completely unworkable. I want excitement and passion; I don't want to lead on a poor desperate girl and hurt her feelings.

Another is a Thai chick, about 30. She's got money and lives out here with some guy in order to get her green card or something. She's interested but I feel like she's another nice one. Clearly she's sneaky - she implied she was single, but I found out the real story, for example - and motivated by money, but even so, I feel sorry for her. She must be very lonely here.

I was very flirty with her and got her to basically suggest that we go to this Thai restaurant I had heard about up in Hollywood, but why? I don't want to fuck her. I'm not sure I could even take her seriously as a sexual partner so I don't even think I'd want to make out with her. I'm not sure we could really become friends. I wonder, though. Anyway, I pity her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I also have been flirting with the mother of this 19 year old model we hired. The model also happens to look one hell of a lot like the 21 year old. The mom doesn't, but she's divorced, a high ranking executive, and rich as fuck. She also feels unattractive and I'm sure she feels shit on due to her husband doing the usual Orange County thing and dumping her for a hot girl scarcely older than his daughter.

On the one hand I want to get something going on, like take her to dinner and get a flirtation going on, but on the other hand I'm scared it may backfire and she'd tell my boss, the CEO of my company, and I'd get canned. I also worry that if it did go over well, she'd get too attached to me and I'd hurt her feelings.

She's a multi fucking scrillionaire so I fantasize that I could turn her into a sugar mama. I'm not sure what I'd want, though. A new motorcycle? A badder-ass digital camera? Clothes? Eh. I'm getting old; I don't even want stuff.

I also kind of have something going with this woman at a vendor of ours. She's not super hot but she has big tits. We were talking about marriage and she cracked some joke about how she's married for the second time and this husband is a whole other problem she needs to take care of. She said she'd go to dinner with me sometime but I sense she's on the fence about cheating on him or not.

Finally, I've been really bold with the CEO's 41 year old ex-wife. She's going to be on a TV show debuting this fall; she's extremely beautiful. One day she was sitting down and asked me whether I was married. I opened my eyes wide and stared right at her massive fake tits and said, "Not at the moment!" She replied that I was terrible but didn't stop smiling or break eye contact, so I knew she was enjoying it. From that point on I've been really physically forward and dominant with her, like grabbing her hair at the back of her head with one hand, and rubbing her cheekbone hard with the thumb of my other hand; or grabbing her waist with both hands and manhandling her, telling her I'm going to destroy her. She eats it up. She would be an absolute blast in bed.

I miss the two girls I had to dump because I got caught. One in particular, the dog fucker. She was a good friend, maybe one of the best friends I've had. She left a message for me on Yahoo messenger saying I had hurt her really badly. I have been meaning to write her an email or a letter to apologize. I hope I can take some of the hurt away.

Speaking of married women, I'm trying to figure out whether I'm for sure harming a girl by getting her to cheat on her husband/boyfriend. For some it's for sure "yes," but I think for some of them it must be no, like girls who need attention. But I do wonder.

The other day I was getting my hair cut at a hispanic-female-owned salon in L.A. The chick who owned it was kinda cute, but had big latin tits so that bumped her up a notch. She had a wedding ring but gave me her business card and circled her cell phone number. I want to call her because I love latin women and brown skin and big tits (and small ones too, but you know what I mean), but I don't want to make her feel bad about herself.

On the other hand, what if her husband is a total piece of shit and this gives her a smile to come home with to give to her kids (if she has any)? What if he puts her down for her figure or looks or something, and this gives her self-confidence, making her feel better about herself knowing that someone finds her attractive? What if she cheats on him all the time and thinks nothing of it?

I don't know. All I want any more are kinky sluts, preferably married. It sounds like the opposite of wanting to get close to someone, but that's not it at all.

I want married women so I can prove to myself I'm attractive enough to get them to come to me, and of course also for the practical aspects like them being tied to their husband so I don't have to date them or spend holidays with them.

Knowing I won't have to launch into a big old monogamous relationship with them, in a way allows me to open up more. It's safer.

This evening driving home from work the horizon was filled with hazy smoke in every direction, from the wildfire in Palm Springs. The sunset was glowing bright red and huge, bigger and redder than any sunset I've ever seen, even in photos, due to the refraction from all the smoke in the air. I wondered what the sunsets must look like in Shanghai.