Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Opening Up

The weekend went pretty well I guess. The bride looked pretty cute and with her doe eyes and nervous embarrassment ways, reminded me of my first girlfriend.

The groom's sister, early 20's, was quite fit but had big healthy tits. Just big slabs of juicy chicken meat, and her dress showcased them terrifically. Good god where did she get a body like that? She is definite hoochie material, a very likely candidate for Girls Gone Wild and other such videos where girls tongue kiss, show their tits, and do everything else they've been programmed to do to get attention. I would fuck the shit out of her.

This one chick, 23, had the prettiest face. Nothing but shining eyes, cheekbones, brilliant smile... Her tits were uninspiring and her ass didn't have much bump to it. She met a sailor there (friend of the groom) and stayed out with him 'til 6 A.M. The next day she was on her way home and he was showing us the scratches on his back.

~

I called that girl, one of my best friend's girlfriends, at work the other day, to bullshit. I guess she finally picked up on my saying how I hated myself and my life and my marriage had turned to shit, because she called me that night to talk. I opened up and told her a lot more about me than I've told almost anyone in real life, like I told her about my Harry Tasker alternate persona I use for chicks on the side. She was pretty amazed, I guess rightfully so, at how I've covered every conceivable angle, from putting new-car plates on my car, to the fake registration I keep in the glovebox in case a girl looks through there, to my fake driver's licenses, to my prepaid credit cards and cell phone, all of it. I told her about a lot of my problems, and, surprisingly, it really helped me identify them more clearly, just to try to explain them.

One of the main ones is how I see sex and love. I realized more clearly than ever that I desire two things:

1) a girl on the side to open up to about romance and matters of the heart, someone I can act macho and Alpha Male in front of, but at the same time cry in front of, too. Someone I'm sexually attracted to and who I feel totally comfortable showing and telling her what I want in bed.

2) basically a mother or best friend figure at home, which is my wife. Someone I don't need to be attracted to, and who I don't want to have sex with; someone who will take care of me, who I don't open up to.

I don't trust the girls I have sex with, with certain parts of my heart, and I don't trust my wife with other parts, like I don't trust them not to make fun of me if I did open up.

I feel comfortable doing all kinds of kinky shit with my sexual girls, but I'd feel kind of corny telling my wife to do the same things.

Another big thing I revealed to her - and just hearing myself say it, really opened my eyes to how bad of an addict I really am, even though I knew it already - was how I think about girls constantly. I explained to her how, for example, I might see that Japanese-American chick at the Post Office and instantly being plotting and scheming, figuring all the angles in my head in a huge flow chart like a master chess player: How soon to come back, what to do if my wife isn't working that day, what to do if the chick isn't behind the counter that day, how to approach her, how to ask her out, what to do if I don't get into her line, when to call her back once I get her number, which restaurant to take her to, how to dress, how to act, what to say, all custom tailored to make her fall in love with me, based on my amateur yet expert FBI profiler-style assesment of her personality, current station in life, etc.

Which brings me to another thing I revealed to her- how I really am not even after the sex all the time, mostly just their hearts. My mission is to make girls/women fall in love with me, and me them, because I'm addicted to that thrill of the newness of first love, the romance, all that heady stuff.

Anyway it was really touching that she gave a shit and actually picked up the phone because she was worried about me. I told her she can tell her boyfriend anything or everything about what we talked about, so he wouldn't feel like I'm trying to lay her or have some sort of secrets with her that I won't tell him, thus undermining their relationship.

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