Cattle Call

Ok.

So, I went to a casting call yesterday. First off my agents are total pieces of shit, which is totally unsurprising. And to think everyone blames the talent. Yeah, right! This dumb bitch calls me up midday - I'm still asleep - and says "Hi this is (her first name), you are scheduled for a 3:15 casting call, can you make it?" Doesn't state her last name or what business she's calling from, or even make sure it's me she's speaking to. She just blurts it out immediately after I say hello. She also doesn't say WHERE it is, or for WHOM, and the biggest thing is,

a) she already scheduled me without even seeing whether I'm available or not, and

b) she didn't give me ANY advance warning! Not even one day! Oh yeah right, like the casting director and the studio and videographer and producers and assistants and everyone else involved went to all this trouble to set this all up, but didn't notify my agent until that same day?? GIVE me a fucking BREAK! WHAT a FUCKING BITCH!

What really happened was, this agent was warned a month in advance and didn't even pick up the phone. Why? Because she's a worthless cluck. A dumb fucking c-word of a wench. JESUS Christ, please God kill her.

See, the problem with her scheduling me without my knowledge is that if I can't make the casting call, the casting director and everyone else will go "God, what a flake!" Yeah right, like it's my fault. Dumb Fucking Whore.

Anyway, I respond to her, saying "Can I call you right back?"
She replies - incredulously, mind you (can you believe this shit?) "Do you even have my number?"
I'm thinking, Well yes, you dumb fucking bitch, ever heard of caller I.D.? But I say "Well I assume you're calling fro-" She interrupts (as always) and blurts out the name of the agency. No Fucking Shit you dumbfuck! Where the fuck ELSE would you be calling from? JESUS what a dumb fucking piece of shit.

Anyway, I let myself wake up for a moment, then call her back. "Hi, this is _____" (ya like how I introduce myself? It's called NORMAL PHONE PROTOCOL as well as PROFESSIONALISM.) "Regarding the casting call, where is it?" She blurts out the street name and number, nothing more. I pause, so I don't reach through the phone and choke her to death, and say, "What city would that be in?" ARGH you DUMB FUCKING WHORE!

Anyway, I get ready and race there, but there's one catch. My wife wants to go. Fuck!! What am I going to do, tell her no? Heck no, that would be a terrible move right now, maybe ending my marriage.

We arrive, and as often happens, there are other casting calls going on at the same time in other suites or whatever they're called. All the hopefuls are standing around the main waiting area. One group is infants and parents, another group is average joes, another group appears to be skanks and hookers, and yet another group is Hot Frickin Women.

Good LORD are some of these women hot. I mean, if you've never been to L.A. at all you really can't fathom it. Believe me, I have lived here a long time and it still amazes even me. Oh you may think you can "get it" because you're capable of grasping the notion that there are lots of hotties and wannabe starlets in L.A., but it's like having a gun pointed to your head: imagining how it would feel, and actually having it happen, are two WAY different things.

Between the mommies with their heavy, soft breasts, bending over to pick up their babies, and the models/actresses with their rail-thin frames, rounded asses, jutting cheekbones, and impossibly white teeth, the whole room has me reeling.

I swagger in like I own the place (unlike everybody else, who are either nervous, or gorgeous yet insecure, or fingers-crossed hopeful), trying to keep my distance from my wife, and everybody stares at me, wondering "Who is this guy? Is he a director? A casting director? A hotshot actor I for some reason don't recognize? A producer?" The gorgeous girls I give cursory inspections to and maybe give a small, ambiguous smile to, but I don't show too much interest. Those kinds of girls fall all over themselves shining their glorious warmth on you until you show interest - then they're like "Tssh. As if." So if you ignore them they're like "How can I get this guy to notice me?"

Meanwhile though I'm staring at whichever ones are looking the other way, so I can ogle them unnoticed. MAN! I'm telling you, these girls are painfully beautiful. And desperate for attention. Good god it would be easy to pull some of these chicks.

Also there are a lot of mommies there with their infants, who are trying out for a diaper ad. This one in particular has just the sweetest face, and HUGE tits, I mean bigger than my head by far. But really nice, too, not just arbitrarily large tits. They're so big that she has a lot of cleavage showing, so when she bends over to pick up her kid, I look the other way so it appears I'm not paying attention, but then I turn back and stare right down her shirt. Praise Jesus, pure heaven on earth right there. My god. I can only imagine how warm and soft they are. Grrr! It's almost like being starving and staring at food from a world class chef.

Now, most moms don't lose all the weight they gained during their pregnancy right away, and many (most?) never get back to their original weight in the first place. So, they feel like big ugly cows, especially next to these 118 lb , 5 foot 11" superhotties. That means if I flash this one particularly reliable smile of mine, they're putty in my hands. And for the icing on the cake, the Perfect 10's in the room notice it (they don't miss a thing) and wonder why this cute MILF gets a smile and not themselves.

So, whenever my wife's back is turned or I happen to be facing away, I work it, without her noticing. MAN I could collect some digits if I were here alone and in recruitment mode. Good god I would love to pound some of these beauties. Fucking a skinny or really fit girl is great because they're so firm, every thrust slams her whole body around. And fucking a thick girl is great because they're so voluptuous and luxurious and soft. You get to see their tits move, their ass shake, thighs, tummy, all of it is terrific. God bless women.

I need to go to my car for something, so my wife stays behind to listen for my name and tell them I'll be back in a moment if they call me. On the way there I slow down to let this one hottie catch up with me. Blonde, very pretty face, looks a lot like Gisele Bundchen. Nice soft a-cups, but they're jiggly, which I love. Now, skinny girls with no ass totally turn me off, I mean, my weenie says 'Byebye!' Zero interest. This one has a round, muscular little thing back there, a very Nicole Kidman body. Good god what I would do to that. Anyway I make small talk and flirt a bit. It would be so easy to get her number. But I wrap it up and walk ahead. Around the back of the building I catch up to a black girl, who I can tell was just inside. She just had that look. Halle Berry body, with bigger tits and a bigger ass, and a face a lot like Nia Long, but cuter. We bullshit for a bit, and I could have definitely gotten her number too, but I pass. She's moving to San Francisco anyway. If I were really on the case I could have worked it - told her I live up there or have a second home up there, and created this whole giant house of lies out of thin air; flown up there a few times and back the next morning before my wife got home from work, but, no way, not now. I don't need to get laid THAT badly!

I get what I need from the car and head back. I make sure I catch up with this one MILF - her face looks exactly like an actress who's been in quite a few films, whose name I can't place. Maybe it's her. Tan; brown hair with blonde streaks, cut in a bob; dark blue tattoo high on on her upper arm, ROUND ass - Jesus! - and very round cantelope sized probably fake tits. Not bad fake, though; these are nice, very expensive and very well done fake ones. Who knows, maybe they're real. Man oh man. She's mid 30's or so, and definitely would appreciate the attention. We bullshit for a moment, and as we round the corner I ask, "What call are you here for?" Just then we round the corner and there's her infant daughter in a stroller being held by this woman's elderly mom. "My daughter." Oh well. I wasn't going to get her digits anyway.

After the audition the wife wants to go to Whole Foods. Ok. While she's in line to get a gourmet sandwich, I'm off a ways looking at "food" (translation: "women.") Suddenly I turn and see this one, HO my GAWD! Like a God Damn Scotti Andrews. Same body pretty much; same hair, everything. Scotti is an incredibly cute and busty young porn star from Scotland. This girl has really big natural tits, TOTALLY round, I mean spherical. And they're filled with like helium and jello. Well I'll be. The things are a bit bigger than my head, and just absolute perfection. Her body is exactly like I love - well one of the ways - but very hard to describe. Mainstream actresses and musicians just don't have bodies like this. She's not skinny, but not exactly thick, either. She's VERY curvy, including a big, juicy bubble butt, perfectly round. But say the word "curvy" and people think you're saying "fat, but I like it." I'm telling you, this girl is like, the best way to describe it is, picture the heaviest centerfold ever featured in Playboy. A girl who, you can't see her ribs at all, but she's not overweight. Probably a 30" waist, so, not skinny, but not fat either. And a 40" ass, and double D's. She turns and looks at me. Dammit, if my wife hadn't been around I could have just lavished charm and praise and romance on her and gotten her number.

Man, my heart actually ached, still does. I actually felt like I was in love. I flashed forward and imagined dating her and so on. Man oh man. How could I have let her get away? I feel kind of heartbroken to be honest. That must sound crazy.

I'll dig up some pictures of Scotti and post them, you'll see what I mean.