The former Jandi

http://infiernodepasion.blogspot.com/2008/12/who-moved-my-fucking-cheese.html?showComment=1253170505325#c3855047837041833446

I wish you unlimited success.

LONELY

closest i got is not much of a match.

LONELY.

jedi mind trick

man there's this mexican joint on the way home. the young girl there is either looney tunes or really likes me. she's like, i have no idea, 23? pretty face, slim, lil fried egg boobs, small ass but at least it's round.

every time i go in she stares at me for seconds at a time, like i order my food and she stares me down super hard while smiling. i'm talking dead-on eye contact like it's a staring contest.

today i decided to go there and intentionally try making the sparkle eyes at her to see whether my powers had grown stronger even as my face and body have grown older. i'm figuring Al Pacino's old, he can still get bitches left and right.

she handed me my order to go and stared at me smiling, like one one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand, FIVE one-thousand!! WTF!!

I go to my vehicle and I'm sitting there talking to myself about it as I read my emails on my phone and buckle up. There's a knock on my window. Huh? I turn, it's her!!

I swear, I swear to GOD it's like I glamoured her like in True Blood.

You have to admit, I am the fucking man.

NEWS FLASH

In case it's not clear,

DJ AM can go fuck himself.

What, he was just so talented at... playing records?? Are you kidding me?

conflicted

I dunno, man.

I'm conflicted.

On the one hand I really want intimacy. I want new experiences and I want excitement. I want another sex partner I'm compatible with. And if I really let myself dream, I want a girlfriend or even a wife who I am really into and who is into me, the way it's supposed to be.

There is so much at stake, my whole life is at stake, and I'm not doing anything about it.

observation 2

things are not always as they seem. you see a clip and it looks good, you search and search and download the whole shit and it's big titty bitch this, big titty bitch that, phoning it in. sometimes things are better left to the imagination.

the cons

conning girls into conjugal acts with me - which is contrary to a healthy relationship - is probably because I wasn't raised to have a lot of confidence.

I was just thinking about how my mind works. I think somehow my parents didn't raise me to be brimming with confidence. If I had been, I think I would have been a lot more healthy and had a lot healthier habits.

Being somewhat fixated on girls has a lot to do with it I think. When I was horny as hell as a teenager, there was always the overarching thought that I could never get a girl, would never get laid. It was like serving a very long jail sentence where your release date feels so far off that it may not even be real, may never come true.

Now that I have experienced girls on my own I understand that I can get good looking girls, and have had a little bit of casual sex (I dunno, like 10 girls. not a lot.), I am finally recalibrating my former outlooks and thoughts.

It would have really helped my marriage to have done this years ago, sown my wild oats.

In the post below, I referred to the last time I saw my mexican ex-mistress. I said,

Driving away in my new car I weighed the experience. I didn't regret coming but I missed my kid. My time with my kid is more valuable than driving over an hour away for THIS rude person - especially to pay to feed her. Fuck that. I coulda spent that time and that little amount of money on my kid and made her happier. When my kid is grown and I miss her and wish she were little again, I may wish I never wasted even that one afternoon on my ex-mistress. Even though it will hurt and she'll be really shitty to me, next time she calls me, I gotta turn her down.

That will be a rare experience for me, turning a girl down. I've rarrrely done it. The funny thing is, when I think back to the few times in my life that I've done it, I see that instantly the girls sense that you're "over it" and they flipflop and act sweet, to lure you back in.

This girl won't be that way but I don't care.

Now that my experience with other girls has grown and I've come to understand not only the non-idealized reality of girls and sex, but that I am attractive (maybe not to everyone but to some people for sure) and can get girls for sure, i feel a lot less compelled to womanize. If I had always felt this confident I would have been a lot better off all along.

you are my satellite

my mexican ex-mistress who got pregnant several months after we broke up four years ago, is moving in with her baby daddy on Monday. She doesn't know him that well.

The last time I saw her was, what, a year ago. I picked her up at a Mexican coffeehouse we used to go five years ago when we were in love. We would get cafe de canela or atole. Cafe de canela is Mexican coffee made with cinnamon, and atole is a hot drink made from corn flour.

We talk on the phone in passing once in a while. She always asks how I am, and tells me "Everything gonna be fine. It will work out." It strikes me as odd and poignant because I feel like I should be telling her that.

She texted me today for the first time in over a year.

pase las noches mas maravillosas contigo te ame y te llevo en mi corazon por siempre de mariposa

It translates as "I've spent many wonderful nights with you, my love, and you go forever in my heart like a butterfly." It sounds a little lame in English but in Spanish it's very touching.

She's never said anything like that to me before. I think she must be resigning herself to settling with this guy.

I wrote back,

El amor de tu ha sido como tomar cafe de canela caliente:

Me tomó por sorpresa al principio, pero me ha mantenido caliente durante mucho tiempo.

"Loving you has been like swallowing hot cafe de canela:

It took me by surprise at first, but has kept me warm for a long time."

3 more

continued:

24 y.o. Peruvian chick - I met this chick over a year ago off Craigslist. Her ad seemed pretty cool and her photos looked really cute. She has a son the same age as my kid. I talk to her on the phone; she's at a park having a birthday party for some child relative. The whole time she just yaps and yaps about herself and I can't really understand her, partially because the background noise, partially because of her thick accent and talking a mile a minute about things I could care less about. I'm already having doubts but if she's super cute it might make up for it, or so I was thinking.

I met up with her at about 5:30 PM while I was on the way to a business dinner. She lives with her parents in a not-rundown trailer park. I now know better, I mean, where am I gonna fuck someone if not her house? Definitely not the hooker motel, not til I get our credit card debt paid off, especially in this economy.

Anyway her parents are Jehovahs Witnesses! So she has to like sneak out and meet me at the little central park thing in the trailer park. Lord.

Anyway she looks nothing like her photos. I don't know how she even took ones that look like this. Now, society puts a ton of pressure on people to be anorexic thin and I don't want to add to that. I like women from skinny to pretty chunky, not morbidly obese, but that's just me. Anyway she's wearing like a t-shirt or sweatshirt with the neck cut out a la Flashdance, exposing her tattooed breasts, and instead of looking rockabilly-ish, she looks like a total slob. Also this chick is BIG. Her gut is way bigger than her little boobs and I feel sorry for her if she's not happy with her body type, but for me? Not a turn-on.

ALSO - and again, not putting anybody down here - her teeth were the kind that angle backward. You know? For ME... turn-off.

Anyway she blathered on and on, we drove around a bit, to the place she and her brother lived in, where he is just moving out of. Kind of a huge shithole! His guitar gear and stuff was still there but the house was open. Nice.

So she's like way unsophisticated and not a great conversationalist unless you count monologue-ing. I don't need someone to be all into me but it boggles the mind when they know nothing about you and don't even ask!

After a good long while, like an hour, I tell her I have to go to my meeting. She says "I could come with."
"Nahhhh..."
"No seriously I'm fine just tagging along."
Uhhh like I'm gonna have this ghetto slob hanging out saying GOD knows what at this super fancy restaurant with a smooth Italian multimillionaire?! Holy shit fuck no. "Well it's a business dinner."
"I could wait in the car."
"I don't know how long it'll be. Could be an hour, could be 2 or more."
"I don't mind. I'm good at entertaining myself."
Bitch, get a hint! If I wanted you to be there I would say yes!! JESUS!! Does it SEEM like I want you there?!

Fucking hell. So I finally scrape her off my shoe and she proceeds to call and text me for the next YEAR.

First she starts calling, and I really can't stand talking to her so I keep it short. Soon after, she calls me but then I realize her dad has caught her and she has to change into the "Ok well I'll talk to you later, Mary." move. Jesus Christ, you're 23 and have a kid!!

Anyway I start ignoring her calls so she starts calling me from private numbers. Good god.

Also the texts - she texts me photos of her half naked, and naked, and texts asking me to be her booty call. i keep telling her No, and giving various polite reasons, but she doesn't stop!

Over the next year she gets I guess lipo on her stomach and a boob job. The nude photos start to look better. She keeps asking me to meet up with her but I blow her off.

She asks me directly to meet up with both our kids at the zoo one weekend not long ago. Fuck! Get a hint! Anyway I do the Los Angeles "Give me a call!" and then don't answer my phone on Saturday.

So last week, I get a call from a new number. I answer it and it's her. Fuck! She is right nearby and wants to meet up and show off her new body. I'm in a good mood because I'm on my way to dinner with the little 33 y.o. half mex half filipina for our second date. Ok ok ok fine. Call me crazy but I agree. Keep in mind this bitch has been after me for over a year after seeing me ONE time!

At dinner the half mex is totally fun. We go to this real fancy sushi joint, the kind real Japanese people go to. The food is so good! Holy shit! She orders us two all-you-can-eat specials which is $50 but we only eat $21 worth of sushi so that was a bust.

Anyway I naturally assumed a dinner date was a dinner date but half mex wants to bone me. I tell her I gotta get home to my kid! She gets ALL bummed out and frustrated and says she doesn't usually get such a hard time from guys. Uh hello? It's our second date and it was for DINNER, not DINNER AND HANG OUT ALL NIGHT. Fuck!

So I make out with her a bit in the car, man her DD's are nice. She tells me to fuck her, hm no thanks. I tell her I don't bone without a full STD test for herpes and HIV and genital warts and stuff but she's still frustrated, and believe it or not gets into the whole thing about "You think I have something?" Uh, NO, i'm RESPONSIBLE. wtf?!

Anyway I leave and on the way home at about 10:30PM I meet up with Peruvian at a Shell station. She's wearing tight jeans, Ugg boots, and I have no idea what kind of top, haha. Her hair is sort of nouveau-1970's-Farrah Fawcett and I remember how warm-cinnamony her skin was. She looks WAY better. Not perfect but a hell of a lot less nasty.

I figure, fuck it, I might as well chalk up one more experience in this life, so right there under the gas station awning thing lit up under the bright lights as she walks toward me I grab her and kiss her. She's actually a really good kisser!














This is not the Shell Station. This one is in the Midwest or some shit. Any gas station in any part of the entire L.A. area would be packed and would have buildings around it, not trees.



We make out for a while and I keep it on the edge of being R-rated. We hug a lot and stuff, it's fun, but she's still kind of annoying. She keeps saying "I'm hotter than a jalapeno" and "you can't believe it, can you?" Yes, you look better, but please knock off the silly talk.

Anyway when it's time to go she keeps kissing me. Now that really pisses me off when people do this. What do you want me to do, PUSH you away? Take a fucking hint and consider how I feel right now!

Anyway I drive home and I've caught her cold. Fuck. I'm sick for the next three days.