the cons

conning girls into conjugal acts with me - which is contrary to a healthy relationship - is probably because I wasn't raised to have a lot of confidence.

I was just thinking about how my mind works. I think somehow my parents didn't raise me to be brimming with confidence. If I had been, I think I would have been a lot more healthy and had a lot healthier habits.

Being somewhat fixated on girls has a lot to do with it I think. When I was horny as hell as a teenager, there was always the overarching thought that I could never get a girl, would never get laid. It was like serving a very long jail sentence where your release date feels so far off that it may not even be real, may never come true.

Now that I have experienced girls on my own I understand that I can get good looking girls, and have had a little bit of casual sex (I dunno, like 10 girls. not a lot.), I am finally recalibrating my former outlooks and thoughts.

It would have really helped my marriage to have done this years ago, sown my wild oats.

In the post below, I referred to the last time I saw my mexican ex-mistress. I said,

Driving away in my new car I weighed the experience. I didn't regret coming but I missed my kid. My time with my kid is more valuable than driving over an hour away for THIS rude person - especially to pay to feed her. Fuck that. I coulda spent that time and that little amount of money on my kid and made her happier. When my kid is grown and I miss her and wish she were little again, I may wish I never wasted even that one afternoon on my ex-mistress. Even though it will hurt and she'll be really shitty to me, next time she calls me, I gotta turn her down.

That will be a rare experience for me, turning a girl down. I've rarrrely done it. The funny thing is, when I think back to the few times in my life that I've done it, I see that instantly the girls sense that you're "over it" and they flipflop and act sweet, to lure you back in.

This girl won't be that way but I don't care.

Now that my experience with other girls has grown and I've come to understand not only the non-idealized reality of girls and sex, but that I am attractive (maybe not to everyone but to some people for sure) and can get girls for sure, i feel a lot less compelled to womanize. If I had always felt this confident I would have been a lot better off all along.

you are my satellite

my mexican ex-mistress who got pregnant several months after we broke up four years ago, is moving in with her baby daddy on Monday. She doesn't know him that well.

The last time I saw her was, what, a year ago. I picked her up at a Mexican coffeehouse we used to go five years ago when we were in love. We would get cafe de canela or atole. Cafe de canela is Mexican coffee made with cinnamon, and atole is a hot drink made from corn flour.

We talk on the phone in passing once in a while. She always asks how I am, and tells me "Everything gonna be fine. It will work out." It strikes me as odd and poignant because I feel like I should be telling her that.

She texted me today for the first time in over a year.

pase las noches mas maravillosas contigo te ame y te llevo en mi corazon por siempre de mariposa

It translates as "I've spent many wonderful nights with you, my love, and you go forever in my heart like a butterfly." It sounds a little lame in English but in Spanish it's very touching.

She's never said anything like that to me before. I think she must be resigning herself to settling with this guy.

I wrote back,

El amor de tu ha sido como tomar cafe de canela caliente:

Me tomó por sorpresa al principio, pero me ha mantenido caliente durante mucho tiempo.

"Loving you has been like swallowing hot cafe de canela:

It took me by surprise at first, but has kept me warm for a long time."