the cons

conning girls into conjugal acts with me - which is contrary to a healthy relationship - is probably because I wasn't raised to have a lot of confidence.

I was just thinking about how my mind works. I think somehow my parents didn't raise me to be brimming with confidence. If I had been, I think I would have been a lot more healthy and had a lot healthier habits.

Being somewhat fixated on girls has a lot to do with it I think. When I was horny as hell as a teenager, there was always the overarching thought that I could never get a girl, would never get laid. It was like serving a very long jail sentence where your release date feels so far off that it may not even be real, may never come true.

Now that I have experienced girls on my own I understand that I can get good looking girls, and have had a little bit of casual sex (I dunno, like 10 girls. not a lot.), I am finally recalibrating my former outlooks and thoughts.

It would have really helped my marriage to have done this years ago, sown my wild oats.

In the post below, I referred to the last time I saw my mexican ex-mistress. I said,

Driving away in my new car I weighed the experience. I didn't regret coming but I missed my kid. My time with my kid is more valuable than driving over an hour away for THIS rude person - especially to pay to feed her. Fuck that. I coulda spent that time and that little amount of money on my kid and made her happier. When my kid is grown and I miss her and wish she were little again, I may wish I never wasted even that one afternoon on my ex-mistress. Even though it will hurt and she'll be really shitty to me, next time she calls me, I gotta turn her down.

That will be a rare experience for me, turning a girl down. I've rarrrely done it. The funny thing is, when I think back to the few times in my life that I've done it, I see that instantly the girls sense that you're "over it" and they flipflop and act sweet, to lure you back in.

This girl won't be that way but I don't care.

Now that my experience with other girls has grown and I've come to understand not only the non-idealized reality of girls and sex, but that I am attractive (maybe not to everyone but to some people for sure) and can get girls for sure, i feel a lot less compelled to womanize. If I had always felt this confident I would have been a lot better off all along.