medicaid

it was weird, i was talking to a friend of mine the other night who has been clean of narcotics for like 5 years now or something. in the past she used to hook up with this sexual sadist guy who would really beat the shit out of her - black eye, busted lip, etc. She was into it, but not how he treated her.

He was a sadist in just about every way - emotional , mental, and physical - but she has a fear of rejection so when he would get off or be done using her, she would try to engage him in conversation and then he would tell her to leave. He would literally call her and say only "Come over." She'd come over, he'd beat her and fuck around with her, then she'd leave.

When she'd start trying to talk to him online, he'd ignore her or block her. Then when he'd want to use her again he'd hit her up (pardon the pun) and she'd come over again. It was a bad cycle. It was really a bummer to hear about him being a dick to her.

For the past two years they hadn't gotten together at all. They talked briefly recently and he had been "clean" of S&M and drugs for like a year and had gotten his pin.

It hit me that I had blown whatever I had going for me regarding my imaginary pin for not fucking around.

For a good while I've been boning my friend's baby's mama. It has its fun moments and I enjoy her body, but it comes at a price. Whenever I'm there, I think to myself how I could be at home playing with my kid. Nothing makes me happier than making my daughter happy. And she is going to grow up so quickly so I have a very narrow window.

I notice I fuck up, or fuck up more, when I am under stress. It's my way of medicating and escaping. Not cool.

I was clean for a long time, but I've gone a little crazy with picking up girls. I registered on a free dating site and picked up some fun ones:

- 26 year old half japanese bisexual girl. very smart, very cute, very kinky, very horny. single mom to two kids.

- 25 year old japanese girl. party animal, lives at home, doesn't drive. cute face, horny, free spirited but not sure exactly how kinky.

- 23 year old EX BEST FRIEND OF THE 22 YEAR OLD!! WTF?! She is very raw and crude and awesome and is way mature for her age. It's weird. I really like her as a person. We probably won't have sex.

- 23 year old immature whiny white-ish girl. smart, chubby, cute, but way too desperate. She sent me her number right away and asked "will you really text me?" fuck!!

- I helped a Mexican chick yesterday with a broken down car; her front teeth were not very long and that bugged the shit out of me, sort of the opposite of Bugs Bunny. She also had a massive spare tire around the waist. But she has a cute face and a pierced tongue which I imagined blasting on. So i got her number and she's been texting me.

- 42 year old half filipina I met off craigslist. Cute, slim, smart, art lover, but way too high strung for me.

- 25 year old arabic chick I met on a sex personals site. Heavyset, cute, very crude, very brash, but pretty straight out. Heavily pierced, heavily tatttoed, into a whole gothic kinda look.

Juggling all these girls even just as friends is kind of annoying. And I don't like the idea that I have to taper off talking to them; it would be nice to push a button and not have to text or call or email or hang out with them any more. It feels like a ball and chain.

Also I feel like there's a fuse lit. If I don't fuck them, they'll get pissed. I guess I wouldn't like that, but then again it would get rid of them.

And I am not going to fuck them. I am so not into it.

But I am loving meeting new people, dressing nice, being attractive, and being out in the world for tiny snatches, an hour here or there.

I also am realizing that as much as my wife and I are not a match and incompatible, she is a better person for me than any of these ones. So now I'm hoping I don't get caught again.