booty call

In November I put up a pretty awesomely raw post on craigslist looking for someone for crazy sex. I got two responses.

The first was from a guy who wrote, "nice ad...let me know how it works....."

I thought he was being sarcastic so I did my black belt cyberstalking and found his real name, his job, and other tracks on the web. Thank you, thank you.

He was some 50-ish white guy white grey hair, handsome, tall, divorced, a beautiful 20-something daughter, etc.

I wrote him back,

I don't need any of your lip, Glenn. My ads work great for me. I met my last girlfriend on a sex personals site and went out for a year and a half. If you don't like how I am, keep it to yourself. If you ARE into kinky sex and weren't being sarcastic, I apologize. However, don't waste your time trying to copy my style, because these girls will see right through it. You gotta be yourself through and through for it to work.

Shrug.

He wrote back, "you idiot....it was a fucking compliment......amazing....."

I responded,

Chill out. Inflection doesn't come across on the 'net. It could have been read
either way, and I did apologize if I misread it, so chill the fuck out.

Thank you though. Appreciated. It's hard being a deviant.

I only got one response from a girl. She wrote me with an email address that seemed to be a real name:

I like - no, I LOVE, NEED, CRAVE, DESIRE having my tits slapped, face fucked, hair pulled (correctly), ass spanked hard, being made to do unspeakable (as in unspeakably hot) things, and being called dirty names.(They tell me) I am exceptionally pretty with a hot (though very short) body, I am extremely intelligent, exceedingly social, and can function perfectly in public or social settings without the need to let me "bedroom submissive" come out. Actually I prefer that.

Make me into your little slut.

I cyberstalked her. It was her real email address, and her real name. Hm. and she lived in a really ritzy area. HMM? Wtf?


We emailed back and forth over like a week. She sent me some photos. She had nice big tits and a decent body. The EXIF data on the photos indicated a few months prior. I figured she had fattened up quite a bit since then. Her nose was a bit off; a bit on the large side and a bit unsymmetrical but overall she looked surprisingly cute.

I met her. I looked really good. In the right t-shirt and jeans I look about 28 and pretty decent, I must say. I was stoked.

She was skinnier than her photos. When's the last time that happened? She was very slim and seemed to have decent sized tits. However, she looked older than the 28 she claimed to be. Maybe 30, 36, who knows.

We walked to the liquor store where she bought some alcohol. She asked what I was drinking. I have no fuckin' idea, I don't drink. I played it off and said I ain't drinking. "Oh, do they test you at work?" "Yeah." Sheeit.

I didn't pay, like I would have for a girlfriend or mistress. At the counter she didn't realize she had her license held sticking out at an angle between two fingers and I stared at it trying to read her DOB. She saw me and looked at it, then turned it. In order to play it off, I kept staring in that direction as if I had been zoning out. She asked me a question and I said "Huh?" and pretended to snap out of my reverie. She fell for it.


We went back to her place and she made herself a mixed drink, and tried to get me to drink something. She was a complete motormouth. She rambled on at a sprint as if she were drunk or something. "You know when we were kidding around and I said I was a total spaz and then said I was kidding? I was lying. I have Tourette's."

I wanted to fuck around with her so I said "Oh, really? Hm, you seem completely normal."

She said she was on her medication. HMMMMmmmm.

The Tourette's manifested itself by making her a germophobe, which made me think perhaps she hadn't been meeting tons of strangers for online sex so might not be crudded up with diseases.

But she continued her motormouth talk literally NON STOP like an auctioneer almost. There were two things that could shut her up. One was when she was sucking on a pipe, and she explained, and demonstrated, that she could smoke endless amounts of pot and never get fully stoned. She smoked a huge amount of it and it had NO apparent effect on her whatsoever. It was amazing.

I grabbed her hair and started making out with her. First off, I hate alcohol breath. Second, I hate smoker breath. You nasty pigs, please don't smoke or be a drunken ho-bag. Fuck, it's nasty.

Anyway she kept pausing like "Ok give me a minute, give me a minute." I started to think she was all talk. She seemed to get too hyper and needed to calm down.

She also told me she was on her period. HO lee SHIAT! Fucking hell.

I stripped her naked and pushed her to her knees. She tried to pull my cock out but I wasn't having any of that. I wasn't sure what I was going to do to her; I was scared of STD's so I didn't want to fuck her, but I wanted to slap her around and do SOMEthing to her, I dunno.

She wanted to go into the bedroom so we did. She had one of those puffy beds. I could see into her roommate's room (who was not home) and it depressed me in that sort of sequins/jazz dance/Nagel way.

She told me a couple things I can't recall, like things she didn't do in bed, and "I could never imagine anything in my ass." Great. The only thing that could shut her up was to shove my cock in her mouth, but I was still scared of STD's so I made her suck my balls while I alternately jerked off and clubbed her face with my hard-on.

When I got off it was literally - and I say this with a great deal of gravity - The Single Least Unfulfilling Orgasm Of My Life.

You gotta figure, say a normal guy gets off once a day or every other day in the shower; after 24 years that's 5000 or so. Me, I've had a lot of orgasms - somewhere around 400,000 or more.

So for me to say this was THE most boring orgasm ever, is not something I take lightly. But as soon as I came I felt like, "That was it??"

It was probably a good thing. It probably kept me from getting addicted to A Nonny Mouse, anonymous sex with strangers.

As soon as I blasted her I said in my mind, "This one's for you!" to my dead uncle. Then I napped for a couple hours, slid out without waking her, and drove home.