I
trust
almost
NO-one.

Poets are shameless with their experiences: they exploit them.

Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

The former Jandi

http://infiernodepasion.blogspot.com/2008/12/who-moved-my-fucking-cheese.html?showComment=1253170505325#c3855047837041833446

I wish you unlimited success.

LONELY

closest i got is not much of a match.

LONELY.

jedi mind trick

man there's this mexican joint on the way home. the young girl there is either looney tunes or really likes me. she's like, i have no idea, 23? pretty face, slim, lil fried egg boobs, small ass but at least it's round.

every time i go in she stares at me for seconds at a time, like i order my food and she stares me down super hard while smiling. i'm talking dead-on eye contact like it's a staring contest.

today i decided to go there and intentionally try making the sparkle eyes at her to see whether my powers had grown stronger even as my face and body have grown older. i'm figuring Al Pacino's old, he can still get bitches left and right.

she handed me my order to go and stared at me smiling, like one one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand, FIVE one-thousand!! WTF!!

I go to my vehicle and I'm sitting there talking to myself about it as I read my emails on my phone and buckle up. There's a knock on my window. Huh? I turn, it's her!!

I swear, I swear to GOD it's like I glamoured her like in True Blood.

You have to admit, I am the fucking man.

NEWS FLASH

In case it's not clear,

DJ AM can go fuck himself.

What, he was just so talented at... playing records?? Are you kidding me?

conflicted

I dunno, man.

I'm conflicted.

On the one hand I really want intimacy. I want new experiences and I want excitement. I want another sex partner I'm compatible with. And if I really let myself dream, I want a girlfriend or even a wife who I am really into and who is into me, the way it's supposed to be.

There is so much at stake, my whole life is at stake, and I'm not doing anything about it.

observation 2

things are not always as they seem. you see a clip and it looks good, you search and search and download the whole shit and it's big titty bitch this, big titty bitch that, phoning it in. sometimes things are better left to the imagination.

the cons

conning girls into conjugal acts with me - which is contrary to a healthy relationship - is probably because I wasn't raised to have a lot of confidence.

I was just thinking about how my mind works. I think somehow my parents didn't raise me to be brimming with confidence. If I had been, I think I would have been a lot more healthy and had a lot healthier habits.

Being somewhat fixated on girls has a lot to do with it I think. When I was horny as hell as a teenager, there was always the overarching thought that I could never get a girl, would never get laid. It was like serving a very long jail sentence where your release date feels so far off that it may not even be real, may never come true.

Now that I have experienced girls on my own I understand that I can get good looking girls, and have had a little bit of casual sex (I dunno, like 10 girls. not a lot.), I am finally recalibrating my former outlooks and thoughts.

It would have really helped my marriage to have done this years ago, sown my wild oats.

In the post below, I referred to the last time I saw my mexican ex-mistress. I said,

Driving away in my new car I weighed the experience. I didn't regret coming but I missed my kid. My time with my kid is more valuable than driving over an hour away for THIS rude person - especially to pay to feed her. Fuck that. I coulda spent that time and that little amount of money on my kid and made her happier. When my kid is grown and I miss her and wish she were little again, I may wish I never wasted even that one afternoon on my ex-mistress. Even though it will hurt and she'll be really shitty to me, next time she calls me, I gotta turn her down.

That will be a rare experience for me, turning a girl down. I've rarrrely done it. The funny thing is, when I think back to the few times in my life that I've done it, I see that instantly the girls sense that you're "over it" and they flipflop and act sweet, to lure you back in.

This girl won't be that way but I don't care.

Now that my experience with other girls has grown and I've come to understand not only the non-idealized reality of girls and sex, but that I am attractive (maybe not to everyone but to some people for sure) and can get girls for sure, i feel a lot less compelled to womanize. If I had always felt this confident I would have been a lot better off all along.