girl_addict

2010-04-05T23:09:00.000-07:00

I
trust
almost
NO-one.

2010-01-06T23:30:00.000-08:00

Poets are shameless with their experiences: they exploit them.

Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil

The former Jandi

2009-09-16T23:56:00.000-07:00

http://infiernodepasion.blogspot.com/2008/12/who-moved-my-fucking-cheese.html?showComment=1253170505325#c3855047837041833446

I wish you unlimited success.

LONELY

2009-09-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

closest i got is not much of a match.

LONELY.

jedi mind trick

2009-09-01T22:15:00.000-07:00

man there's this mexican joint on the way home. the young girl there is either looney tunes or really likes me. she's like, i have no idea, 23? pretty face, slim, lil fried egg boobs, small ass but at least it's round.

every time i go in she stares at me for seconds at a time, like i order my food and she stares me down super hard while smiling. i'm talking dead-on eye contact like it's a staring contest.

today i decided to go there and intentionally try making the sparkle eyes at her to see whether my powers had grown stronger even as my face and body have grown older. i'm figuring Al Pacino's old, he can still get bitches left and right.

she handed me my order to go and stared at me smiling, like one one-thousand, two one-thousand, three one-thousand, four one-thousand, FIVE one-thousand!! WTF!!

I go to my vehicle and I'm sitting there talking to myself about it as I read my emails on my phone and buckle up. There's a knock on my window. Huh? I turn, it's her!!

I swear, I swear to GOD it's like I glamoured her like in True Blood.

You have to admit, I am the fucking man.

NEWS FLASH

2009-09-01T00:47:00.000-07:00

In case it's not clear,

DJ AM can go fuck himself.

What, he was just so talented at... playing records?? Are you kidding me?

conflicted

2009-07-02T21:18:00.000-07:00

I dunno, man.

I'm conflicted.

On the one hand I really want intimacy. I want new experiences and I want excitement. I want another sex partner I'm compatible with. And if I really let myself dream, I want a girlfriend or even a wife who I am really into and who is into me, the way it's supposed to be.

There is so much at stake, my whole life is at stake, and I'm not doing anything about it.

observation 2

2009-07-02T21:15:00.000-07:00

things are not always as they seem. you see a clip and it looks good, you search and search and download the whole shit and it's big titty bitch this, big titty bitch that, phoning it in. sometimes things are better left to the imagination.

the cons

2009-04-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

conning girls into conjugal acts with me - which is contrary to a healthy relationship - is probably because I wasn't raised to have a lot of confidence.

I was just thinking about how my mind works. I think somehow my parents didn't raise me to be brimming with confidence. If I had been, I think I would have been a lot more healthy and had a lot healthier habits.

Being somewhat fixated on girls has a lot to do with it I think. When I was horny as hell as a teenager, there was always the overarching thought that I could never get a girl, would never get laid. It was like serving a very long jail sentence where your release date feels so far off that it may not even be real, may never come true.

Now that I have experienced girls on my own I understand that I can get good looking girls, and have had a little bit of casual sex (I dunno, like 10 girls. not a lot.), I am finally recalibrating my former outlooks and thoughts.

It would have really helped my marriage to have done this years ago, sown my wild oats.

In the post below, I referred to the last time I saw my mexican ex-mistress. I said,

Driving away in my new car I weighed the experience. I didn't regret coming but I missed my kid. My time with my kid is more valuable than driving over an hour away for THIS rude person - especially to pay to feed her. Fuck that. I coulda spent that time and that little amount of money on my kid and made her happier. When my kid is grown and I miss her and wish she were little again, I may wish I never wasted even that one afternoon on my ex-mistress. Even though it will hurt and she'll be really shitty to me, next time she calls me, I gotta turn her down.

That will be a rare experience for me, turning a girl down. I've rarrrely done it. The funny thing is, when I think back to the few times in my life that I've done it, I see that instantly the girls sense that you're "over it" and they flipflop and act sweet, to lure you back in.

This girl won't be that way but I don't care.

Now that my experience with other girls has grown and I've come to understand not only the non-idealized reality of girls and sex, but that I am attractive (maybe not to everyone but to some people for sure) and can get girls for sure, i feel a lot less compelled to womanize. If I had always felt this confident I would have been a lot better off all along.

you are my satellite

2009-04-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

my mexican ex-mistress who got pregnant several months after we broke up four years ago, is moving in with her baby daddy on Monday. She doesn't know him that well.

The last time I saw her was, what, a year ago. I picked her up at a Mexican coffeehouse we used to go five years ago when we were in love. We would get cafe de canela or atole. Cafe de canela is Mexican coffee made with cinnamon, and atole is a hot drink made from corn flour.

We talk on the phone in passing once in a while. She always asks how I am, and tells me "Everything gonna be fine. It will work out." It strikes me as odd and poignant because I feel like I should be telling her that.

She texted me today for the first time in over a year.

pase las noches mas maravillosas contigo te ame y te llevo en mi corazon por siempre de mariposa

It translates as "I've spent many wonderful nights with you, my love, and you go forever in my heart like a butterfly." It sounds a little lame in English but in Spanish it's very touching.

She's never said anything like that to me before. I think she must be resigning herself to settling with this guy.

I wrote back,

El amor de tu ha sido como tomar cafe de canela caliente:

Me tomó por sorpresa al principio, pero me ha mantenido caliente durante mucho tiempo.

"Loving you has been like swallowing hot cafe de canela:

It took me by surprise at first, but has kept me warm for a long time."

3 more

2009-01-03T20:41:00.000-08:00

continued:

24 y.o. Peruvian chick - I met this chick over a year ago off Craigslist. Her ad seemed pretty cool and her photos looked really cute. She has a son the same age as my kid. I talk to her on the phone; she's at a park having a birthday party for some child relative. The whole time she just yaps and yaps about herself and I can't really understand her, partially because the background noise, partially because of her thick accent and talking a mile a minute about things I could care less about. I'm already having doubts but if she's super cute it might make up for it, or so I was thinking.

I met up with her at about 5:30 PM while I was on the way to a business dinner. She lives with her parents in a not-rundown trailer park. I now know better, I mean, where am I gonna fuck someone if not her house? Definitely not the hooker motel, not til I get our credit card debt paid off, especially in this economy.

Anyway her parents are Jehovahs Witnesses! So she has to like sneak out and meet me at the little central park thing in the trailer park. Lord.

Anyway she looks nothing like her photos. I don't know how she even took ones that look like this. Now, society puts a ton of pressure on people to be anorexic thin and I don't want to add to that. I like women from skinny to pretty chunky, not morbidly obese, but that's just me. Anyway she's wearing like a t-shirt or sweatshirt with the neck cut out a la Flashdance, exposing her tattooed breasts, and instead of looking rockabilly-ish, she looks like a total slob. Also this chick is BIG. Her gut is way bigger than her little boobs and I feel sorry for her if she's not happy with her body type, but for me? Not a turn-on.

ALSO - and again, not putting anybody down here - her teeth were the kind that angle backward. You know? For ME... turn-off.

Anyway she blathered on and on, we drove around a bit, to the place she and her brother lived in, where he is just moving out of. Kind of a huge shithole! His guitar gear and stuff was still there but the house was open. Nice.

So she's like way unsophisticated and not a great conversationalist unless you count monologue-ing. I don't need someone to be all into me but it boggles the mind when they know nothing about you and don't even ask!

After a good long while, like an hour, I tell her I have to go to my meeting. She says "I could come with."
"Nahhhh..."
"No seriously I'm fine just tagging along."
Uhhh like I'm gonna have this ghetto slob hanging out saying GOD knows what at this super fancy restaurant with a smooth Italian multimillionaire?! Holy shit fuck no. "Well it's a business dinner."
"I could wait in the car."
"I don't know how long it'll be. Could be an hour, could be 2 or more."
"I don't mind. I'm good at entertaining myself."
Bitch, get a hint! If I wanted you to be there I would say yes!! JESUS!! Does it SEEM like I want you there?!

Fucking hell. So I finally scrape her off my shoe and she proceeds to call and text me for the next YEAR.

First she starts calling, and I really can't stand talking to her so I keep it short. Soon after, she calls me but then I realize her dad has caught her and she has to change into the "Ok well I'll talk to you later, Mary." move. Jesus Christ, you're 23 and have a kid!!

Anyway I start ignoring her calls so she starts calling me from private numbers. Good god.

Also the texts - she texts me photos of her half naked, and naked, and texts asking me to be her booty call. i keep telling her No, and giving various polite reasons, but she doesn't stop!

Over the next year she gets I guess lipo on her stomach and a boob job. The nude photos start to look better. She keeps asking me to meet up with her but I blow her off.

She asks me directly to meet up with both our kids at the zoo one weekend not long ago. Fuck! Get a hint! Anyway I do the Los Angeles "Give me a call!" and then don't answer my phone on Saturday.

So last week, I get a call from a new number. I answer it and it's her. Fuck! She is right nearby and wants to meet up and show off her new body. I'm in a good mood because I'm on my way to dinner with the little 33 y.o. half mex half filipina for our second date. Ok ok ok fine. Call me crazy but I agree. Keep in mind this bitch has been after me for over a year after seeing me ONE time!

At dinner the half mex is totally fun. We go to this real fancy sushi joint, the kind real Japanese people go to. The food is so good! Holy shit! She orders us two all-you-can-eat specials which is $50 but we only eat $21 worth of sushi so that was a bust.

Anyway I naturally assumed a dinner date was a dinner date but half mex wants to bone me. I tell her I gotta get home to my kid! She gets ALL bummed out and frustrated and says she doesn't usually get such a hard time from guys. Uh hello? It's our second date and it was for DINNER, not DINNER AND HANG OUT ALL NIGHT. Fuck!

So I make out with her a bit in the car, man her DD's are nice. She tells me to fuck her, hm no thanks. I tell her I don't bone without a full STD test for herpes and HIV and genital warts and stuff but she's still frustrated, and believe it or not gets into the whole thing about "You think I have something?" Uh, NO, i'm RESPONSIBLE. wtf?!

Anyway I leave and on the way home at about 10:30PM I meet up with Peruvian at a Shell station. She's wearing tight jeans, Ugg boots, and I have no idea what kind of top, haha. Her hair is sort of nouveau-1970's-Farrah Fawcett and I remember how warm-cinnamony her skin was. She looks WAY better. Not perfect but a hell of a lot less nasty.

I figure, fuck it, I might as well chalk up one more experience in this life, so right there under the gas station awning thing lit up under the bright lights as she walks toward me I grab her and kiss her. She's actually a really good kisser!

This is not the Shell Station. This one is in the Midwest or some shit. Any gas station in any part of the entire L.A. area would be packed and would have buildings around it, not trees.

We make out for a while and I keep it on the edge of being R-rated. We hug a lot and stuff, it's fun, but she's still kind of annoying. She keeps saying "I'm hotter than a jalapeno" and "you can't believe it, can you?" Yes, you look better, but please knock off the silly talk.

Anyway when it's time to go she keeps kissing me. Now that really pisses me off when people do this. What do you want me to do, PUSH you away? Take a fucking hint and consider how I feel right now!

Anyway I drive home and I've caught her cold. Fuck. I'm sick for the next three days.

Another update

2008-12-20T17:13:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back at it.

I have this friend; she's an editor at one of the biggest magazines on the planet. She is very intelligent, very witty, very quick, and has surprisingly big boobs for her frame.

She told me "You're kinda on the prowl, aren't you?"

Really? Me? No.

Am I?

Hmmmmm.... well... maybe a little.

Anyway that was a few weeks ago. Here is the current roster:

26 years old - My friend's baby mama. Mexican with a Lara Croft body.
33 year old Half Mexican/Half Filipina *NEW*
25 year old Japanese girl
23 year old Cambodian girl *NEW*
26 year old Half Japanese/Half white girl who models
24 year old Peruvian girl *NEW* (sort of)
24 year old White girl into BDSM

Friend's baby mama: this is the 26 y.o. Mexican girl from South Central. Good lord her breasts are incredible. Last time I saw her I poured baby oil all over them and rubbed them with one hand while she layed on her back playing with herself until I blasted on her tits. HOLY crap they felt INCREDIBLE in my hands. I am definitely doing that again. I hope. I'll explain in a minute.

Cambodian girl: Her parents are from Cambodia but they are Chinese. Anyway, this bitch is CUTE! Hoooly moly. She looks like a prettier version of Keymore Cash! She is fine.

So get this. one year ago (10 months) I saw this gorgeous and delectable creature on a sex personals site. She was so hot I figured there was no way I could get with that. Plus she was in O.C.

A few days ago I see her on a dating site. totally recognize her! So I pull up her old profile on the sex personals site. No anal sex. No S&M. Whaaaa? Borr-rrrinng.
how i sposed to slap a bitch?
choke a bitch?
force a bitch to do shit that she wants me to make her do?
so i have no idea what i'm supposed to do to this bitch.
make sweet sweet love??
kiss and have missionary sex lying straight out on top of her?
or can i at least put her on her bed on her back and i stand next to it and fold her legs back and drill her?
fuck
we'll find out

But that sex profile says she's looking for a boyfriend without the commitment. So at least that's perfect, right?

And now on this new dating site (non-sex personals, just a dating site) i see she has moved closer.

I hit her up, she totally digs me.

We move to text. i spit like two or three funny things and she said "You always know exactly what to say." followed by "are you good at massages? "
so i figured she was goofing around, plus i was at home so i couldn't make a move on that
so i played back.

next day she emails "i need a massage. "
i write "ok, i'll come massage your back if you're good. if you're really good i'll massage your front."
her: "i get off school at 6-7. U wanna massage me later?"
So instead of saying Yes like a chump, i get more assertive: "Sounds good, i'll be over." HAHA
her: "ok, call u later"
WTF
SO EASY
and she's SLUTTY! and horny!
love it!

I stalk her other profiles (myspace, etc.) and gather intel. What I like about young girls (I dunno whether this works on older girls since I haven't been getting a ton of them, but I assume they are wiser) is that you can use psychological tactics on them. For example, when I was talking to her about what she was looking for, she described how she wants to be free, etc., and assumes any guy she's with will have his side action too. So I said "so you're basically looking for like, a boyfriend without the commitment." BAM! instantly her guard was up. Wow! First time anyone ever caught that, especially anyone so young. She is very sharp. She says "Did you read that somewhere or something?" I used reverse psychology at that point and not only instantly talked my way out of it but had her thinking we are on the exact same wavelength.

Anyway she seems pretty cool and is nice and slutty BUT... aside from no S&M or anal, she lives at home. Aiyeeee! How a man sposed to fuck a cambodian or chinese bitch with her ching chong parents in the barren living room with the white rug and statues?
white tiles in the entryway, all silent and shit
:knock knock: on her bedroom door
"(chinese goobbledygook at her door)"
she sighs and huffs and puffs over to her bedroom door, opens it, yells at mom in chinese
closes it
now i'm sposed to get back to ravaging her
Please.
guranteed if her parents are fobbers they'll look at me like the enemy with dead eyes
"you here to fuck my daughtah!"
yessss.... yes. i here to fuck you daughter. you daughter slut.
"SHE NOT SLUT!! SHE STUDENT!!"
she's a slutty whorey student, ma'am. i brought you some twin dragon almond cookies
"Ahhhhh ancient chinese secret!"
yes, ancient chinese secret!
"you good boy. you go in."
ok thank you. oh ma'am do you have any prophylactics?

mannn i PRAY her parents are like M.I.A. or SOME shit. or that she's a grownup!!
i mean acts her age at least
fuckin 23 and acts all rebellious and covered in tattoos, i fuckin hope she's as self-standing-up-for as she likes to come off

half mex/half flip. This chick I met online a few weeks ago. She's very cute, 33, short, and thick. She is SO fun! We laugh all the time. She's easily the funnest (I know that's not a word) chick in memory.

First we talked on the phone for a week. Then she said I could pass by her work last weekend so I did. BUUUuuuuuUUUT....

I fucked up. First I called mexican baby mama and told her I was coming to see her. Then I called this 38 year old chick I met online and said we could get coffee and meet each other. She was real cool, into most of the same shit I am, cute, white, but 5'10". Whoa. Too tall for me these days. I used to be 5'8" and 5/8ths of an inch. But I shrank!! Now I'm 5'7" and a half or some shit with no shoes on!

Anyway so then I called half mex/half flip and she said I could pass by and say hi at her job. She works at one of those private indoor playgrounds for kids that you can rent out for parties and stuff.

I figured, I would pass by her work, then go fuck baby mama, then grab coffee with 38 year old on the way back.

On the way to half mex/half flip's work, I call the Chinese girl. Spend 1 hour bullshitting outside a grocery store. I pick up a couple treats for 1/2 mex 1/2 flip: two chicken strips in case she wants to nibble, and a pretty but small dessert cake thing.

I go visit her. She's cute!! Wow. Short, with a mop of curly black hair, like a little tan Betty Boop. Big tits, nice round ass, kinda chunky in a super nice way. God damn.

She's got a lot of tattoos, it looks really spicy. I give her the food treats. I think it's a hit. You know, old fashioned guys weren't so dumb. They would bring candy and flowers to girls. You know what? They were not so dumb at all! That is pretty frickin smart. Girls love that shit. It shows you went out of your way, shows you care, and they love sweets and pretty things. I am definitely going to bring treats way more often.

She asks whether I have to go. "No, I'd love to hang out but I figured you have to work." "No, it's ok. We're slow" Sure I can. I hang out til like 6:30. Then she asks again whether I need to go. "no, I don't, but I figured you were going out." So I we go to dinner. The whole evening - dinner, beforehand, everything - really every time I talk to her - I am totally funny! Unbelievable. It's like I'm in top form around here.

One of the things we talk about is dating and she says, "you don't know what the other person is doing when you're not together so how I look at it is, those times when you're together, you're together, and when you're apart that's your business."

By the time dinner's over it's like 10:30 PM and my wife and my baby mama and the 38 year old white chick are all pissed at me and texting up a storm. Fuck. This may be it, my life may be self destructing.

I drive her back to her work and for the third time she asks whether I need to go. I say no and she invites me in. We go down the slides, play in the ball pit, and fire up jolly jump.

Inside the jolly jump we lay down and talk. Then she moves closer. Kisses me. I was happy but also disappointed she cut in front of me and didn't let me make the first move.

We make out and it's good! She talks a little too much and it's annoying, like she's not into it. I like it when a girl is into it so much that she can't talk so much. I love talking, but, I want girls to be so turned on they are lost in it.

Anyway she totally strips naked. Hel-lo! She's totally comfortable and it's great! I have never been with a girl who didn't have a fitness model body but still was this comfortable and confident. Man she looks really nice too. She mentions how her boobs used to be an F but now that she lost 20 lbs they're double-D's. Fine by me! Haha

She also has a really soft body, and a nice round ass. She talks a LOT. She asks what I'm into. I ask her what she's into. "I like giving head, I love getting fucked doggy style while I play with my clit, I like anal sex sometimes... um, what about you?" Sounds good to me! Shit.

So once again the DOWN side is, she has her own place but in a week is moving back in with her parents to take care of one of them who is sick. Dammit! Just when I thought I found a perfect one.

So, 38 year old white chick sends me a NASTY text message. Followed by a nastier email the next day. I write back and apologize sincerely and she says thank you for the apology.

Baby mama hasn't contacted me since. DOH!!
I need to save that relationship. Stay tuned.

I talked my way out of it with my wife but jesus. I need to chill. She recognizes patterns. She totally suspects something.

I'll write more about the 25 year old white girl into BDSM, and the Peruvian girl, later. And the Japanese girl.

reeling

2008-10-07T15:31:00.000-07:00

i'm typing in crappy 4-bit color mode with my screen set 640x480; it looks like a 1979 version of a PC. the screen is 640x480 res, so it's like looking at your cell phone on a 17" screen.

i was screwing off instead of going to work, went to watch a video, and my ialmrnt5.dll driver crashed. i'm in the middle of some downloads so now i can't restart my computer until they're done. one is the lovely Renae Cruz and the other few are from a pay site i found a hacked password for. ching!!

but sitting here in this hell reminds me of how fucked up things are. who the fuck screws off every day for 4 hours instead of going to work? who has a half-assed computer instead of a mighty and stable PC with a 1-terabyte drive and a giant screen?

notice i didn't say Apple, because, fuck Apple and fuck Apple people.

let's see, what else.

the other day i went to see the japanese chick. MAN is she cute. She's easily one of the cutest girls i've ever been with. i'm impressed with myself for pulling her. especially when i see myself in the mirror most days. google the words FAT RUSSELL CROWE and i look like most of those photos: good, but not so good.

she's a tricky one to wrangle. very smart, very moody, and very head-case-ian. That should be a crazy Armenian girl's name, Headcaseian. HA!

She lives in Santa Monica in a little townhouse cluster, you know the kind of apartment building where it's like a beehive of connected townhouses? She lives with her 21-year old sister and her sister's boyfriend's best friend. He's cool, some big chunky tall mop-headed jew.

holy shit this bitch takes for EVER to do anything sometimes. It took me like an hour to get her to just change clothes and get out of the house, she is constantly ADD and lagging. Fuck that gets annoying.

We go eat, I pay, I'm feeling like Man, the other day I dumped $50 into her and her sister to go eat, probably around $100 in food alone down this bitch yet it's a huge pain in the ass and a time waster dealing with her. WHY am I not using hookers?

yes, yes, calm down, I would never. First off I could never. They HAVE to be into it or how could I even get turned on? Second, hellow?? STD's??? Third off I would kill myself.

We go back to her house, blah blah, I started kissing her, she got horny and moaned and panted but pushed me away. Now THAT pissed me off. So I started mauling her, which she was into but she kept fighting me. Oh HEEEERE we go with THIS shit, huh??

Now, for a 25-year-old 5'2" petite little Japanese girl this chick has VERY big tits, like C-cups? They look awesome. I reach in the v-neck of her shirt and start playing with her nipples. She moans and pants but tries to push me away. SHAADDDUPPPPP

I remembered how this kinda rad chick (what is my name for her? I need to look back in my blog here and link to her) I met on a bondage personals website in 2004, told me the other week that she likes to flick girls' nipples and watch them get hard. So I flick this Japanese girl's nipples and she likes it. kinda fun.

I do a takedown onto the carpet in the living room with her roommate guy upstairs. She fights me and is more and more turned on as we make out. She's moaning yet telling ME to be quiet and to knock it off. PLEASE!!

Oh by the way, a tip for all you guys and lesbos and bi girls: ALL girls love being kissed on the neck.

Her shirt has a V-neck so I straddle her and with one hand I pin her hands over her head, stretch the V-neck open and pull each of her tits out of her bra and expose them in the V. She pushes me away and starts complaining-POW!! I slap her face and she stops and is silent.

I kept mauling her tits, then took my hand away from holding her wrists above her head. She pulls her arms away and POW!! I slap her again and put her arms back over her head. She tries to move away one more time and I slap her again and tell her not to move.

I grab my phone, but Fuck! the keyboard lock!! I'm spinning it all around in one hand trying to hit the keys in the right order to unlock it. Note to anyone with a brain: never have your phone NOT on lock mode when you are not using it, or risk accidentally calling someone and having them hear what you are talking about.

Anyway I fire up the camera but it doesn't have enough memory available to run, so now i have to kill all the open applications. how annoying.

The whole time she doesn't move. nice!! I like submission.

Finally I get it fired up and start taking pictures of her on her back on the carpet with her hands above her hand and her tits exposed. She doesn't even move or protest. Nice!! Most girls love to be praised, especially in bed where they feel insecure and have issues, so I tell her, "Good girl." I find this works really well for me, especially on girls with daddy issues.

Side note, i LOVE younger girls with daddy issues. Can Not Get Enough!
First off I'm almost 39, so I am definitely older. But i look around 30, so I believe the girls don't feel too scandalous being with me, but I still fulfill their need for an older guy.

PLUS, the great thing about younger girls is, you know how if you could go back to high school you would just totally have it wired because of everything you've learned now? Now I see just how much I could have and should have gotten away with in my 20's.

And as another side note, you really can get away with a lot. You can be a crazy lunatic and people eat it up. Especially the worthwhile ones.

And the young ones especially, have never seen anybody act as wild, because possibly most of they have dealt with are chumps around their age.

Since the photos looked like shit so I am going to bring a better camera next time; it will have to be a film camera because my little pocket digital is broken. Fucking Sony with their shitty-ass screens. I found a recall on them but it was like a giant clusterfuck trying to figure out all their rigamarole. FUCK Sony.

In addition to photos I have a couple other little updates cued up for you guys. Just need to upload some pics and whatnot.

Stay cool,
me

chick update:

2008-10-01T22:52:00.001-07:00

I wrote this a couple months ago. I'll have a current update shortly, but this will catch you up.

- 26 year old half japanese bisexual model. very smart, unbelievably cute, very kinky, very horny. single mom to two kids. this one is fun but annoying. first the fun part:

she loves anal sex. she would have anal sex every day if she could. What??

and loves getting a cock forced down her throat. hel-lo! just my type.

she also loves getting choked until she passes out. gracious. i don't need to see a girl pass out but this chick is as hardcore as they get.

but. she is too eager. i get annoyed by girls who try so hard to let me know they're available that they throw themselves at me. i like being the aggressor, not only in intimate situations but also leading up to them. girls who ask me out nonstop just bug the piss out of me. play hard to get. make me hope i can get you. do not show me you like me - i will lose respect for you because i barely like myself. make me fairly sure you like me but leave me not knowing for certain.

speaking of which, here's a new one. you guys are going to love this. it's totally me:

- 24 year old white girl into BDSM. i found her on a dating site. a little goth-ish, has a guy, blah blah. we start chit-chatting about photography and i play it TOTALLY chill. we are just friends. then she says we should get together over coffee so i can show her some shit about an old camera she has. i totally know what's up. and i'm betting she's going to dump the boyfriend. she seems familiar. in the back of my head i halfway wonder...

She also goes to the same club as the arab chick I mentioned. Small world.

anyway as informed readers know, i am a ninja information gatherer second to none. i dig around online. find her two blogs and her myspace. BAM. now I know for sure:

i talked to this chick FOUR or FIVE years ago, on a bondage/sex personals site when she was 19. Yes!!

She deleted her profile on that site years ago, but I saved it. How ya like me now?! Now I can look into what she wrote and what she was looking for, and use it to ensnare her more, if i want.

At the time she didn't do a thing for me, no spark there at all. Anyway I wouldn't put any photos in my profile back then nor send her any photos because I was paranoid about my wife finding out. Nowadays I'm more lax; I found ways around stuff and I minimize risk. You kinda cannot function at all without pics.

Anyway, when we first talked years ago she cut me off because I wasn't forthcoming with photos and I didn't really miss her. But now it's round 2.

However: Before I figured out it was her, I had realized sex is easy to come by especially in this day and age (maybe it always was and I just lacked the self confidence to put a move down back then), PLUS i have so little time away from work and home, PLUS i would rather be with my kid than some chick I really don't even like or feel attracted to. even if i can do fucked up shit to her and have her enjoy it. ALSO, i am getting more and more scared of herpes and STD's, so that keeps my actual sex on the side to a MINIMUM.

anyway sure enough, she and the boyfriend break up. in her blog that her friends read, she writes that he dumped her. in her emails to me she writes that she dumped him.

anyway she asks me to coffee the other week and starts pressing me. fucking chill, would you? i get her digits and she starts texting me to hang out every night. Lord. anyway i may slap her around a little (calm down, people. she is looking for that) and mess around but who knows.

- 25 year old japanese girl. party animal, lives at home, doesn't drive. cute face, horny, free spirited but not sure exactly how kinky. Fairly kinky. up for anything. dying to have me and one of my friends double penetrate her. hell-lloooo! she says she masturbates to DP porn and wishes she could accomodate a cock in her ass better. ya don't say. Tell ya what:

i'm willing to give it a try.

Anyway i was on the cell with her, and without her knowing it, drove to her apartment. she told me "hang on," and answered the door.

as soon as the door opened i attacked her, bodyslammed her, pinned her down, slapped her around, and forced her to kiss me. she does this annoying thing when i'm kissing her while holding her head (so she can't turn away), which is to tuck her chin down. now i'm making out with her nose. what the fuck, people.

Anyway i shoved my fingers inside her. D R I P P I N G wet.

she pushes me away then lures me back in. she's annoying. also i know she is cold hearted and that has me torn between chasing her, using her for sex, and walking away completely.

Anyway, I slap her face, her tits, and her ass. I chomp on her little tan buns and eat her out. Eventually I'm covered in sweat and we stop. ANYway....

- 23 year old EX BEST FRIEND OF THE 22 YEAR OLD FROM 2006!! WTF?! She is very raw and crude and awesome and is way mature for her age. It's weird. I really like her as a person. We probably won't have sex. THIS fucking bitch. once again, small world. i met her on another dating site and recognized her. anyway i blew it. oh well.

- 23 year old immature whiny white-ish girl. smart, chubby, cute, but way too desperate. She sent me her number right away and asked "will you really text me?" fuck!! this girl, i keep thinking she might be a little animal in bed but then again i suspect not. she is such a zero to me that i can't even remember to call her.

- I helped a Mexican chick yesterday with a broken down car; her front teeth were not very long and that bugged the shit out of me, sort of the opposite of Bugs Bunny. She also had a massive spare tire around the waist. But she has a cute face and a pierced tongue which I imagined blasting on. So i got her number and she's been texting me. man, this one tapered off, thank god. she was not attractive at all. i probably couldn't even get a hardon no matter what with this one. and i'd feel bad using her just for sex.

- 42 year old half filipina I met off craigslist. Cute, slim, smart, art lover, but way too high strung for me. kinda on-again, off-again with this one. it went from her needing tons of attention every day to zero to about a 7 now. hopefully i can chill it down to a 4.

when she needed attention every day i eventually came over to her house, hung out for a long-ass time, then finally made out with her and went down on her. she was really into it, but i just couldn't wait to get the fuck home to my kid the entire time. i was like looking at the clock watching time get pissed away.

after, she was like "wow, talk about rushing into it, hee hee!" uh what?? she basically said that it was fun and kinda wild that i basically came right over and jumped her bones. HELLO!!! EARTH TO PERSON NOT GETTING IT!!! I was over for HOURS, *plus* we slid into it. Coming over and attacking you means you open the door, I grab you and slam you against the wall and make out with your face, rip your clothes off, pin you to the ground, and do whatever i want to you. Unbelievable, this chick thinking THAT was fast.

- 25 year old arabic chick I met on a sex personals site. Heavyset, cute, very crude, very brash, but pretty straight out. Heavily pierced, heavily tatttoed, into a whole gothic kinda look. this one is cool but i am absolutely 100% not at all attracted to her. she's cool and we're good friends now but totally into me. poor girl. she's nice but come on. not me. don't be that into ME.

- 20 year old mexican chick. Now this is another one you guys will love. I met this chick two years ago at a club. gorgeous face, no lie. i put a photo of her up online and it gets tons of hits and tons of comments.

anyway, she is short and has smallish tits and a big torso and butt. i like big butts and i cannot lie, but, i want a waist smaller than your ass. that's just me. not talking shit on the fat chicks, i have love for all of you, but i am talking about where my own personal tastes lie.

anyway she looked, i dunno, what, 27? turns out she was 17 or 18 in this bar every sunday and monday night, drinking!! HELL-LOOOOO!! and covered with tattoos!!

[2006] Back in '06 i got her number and joked around, "Your boyfriend isn't going to mind?" she says "no, we're on a break." perfect, right? i joke around more and challenge her that she's giving me a fake number and either she keys hers into my phone or mine into hers, i can't remember. anyway right afterward this young mexican guy who was hovering by my elbow the entire time steps in and starts grilling her with questions looking all weak. Whaatt?? wack.

anyway i ask if that's her b.f. and she says yes! scandalous.

i walk her outside and boyfriend is playing puppy dog and trying to talk to her. i realized what a man i was in comparison to him the boy, me standing up straight, talking in a confident voice, not tagging along murmuring little blackmails and politics to try to keep his g.f.

anyway she and i start texting and calling back and forth a bit. she's a little smart but dumb overall. plus young. anyway clearly she's not cleanly broken up with this goof and it becomes clear he has another real girlfriend.

i ask about her dad and of course he cheated on her mom too. the guy's barely older than i am i think!! haha holy shit!!

anyway that all has me thinking that her pattern is to find cheaters. that's fucked up. i pray to god i can mold my brain into being a noncheater when i'm around my kid so she can magnetize to guys who aren't cheaters. but i doubt i can. how horrible.

anyway i met this DJ from Rio de Janeiro online, turns out he's visiting LA right now [2006]. i pick him up to roll to this brazilian club night and i get her to come.

i scam us all in for free like i always do to every event - i pretty much rule at that - yet another awesome thing about me i need to remind myself of, whenever i'm downing myself - and i try to hold her hand walking in but she is weird about it. she's kind of annoying. i like it when she's into me but not when i'm like "do you even want to be here?"

anyway i meet Evil E and my man is drunk. i get his digits and we consider going to this other party he invites us to, but i end up driving the DJ home on the westside and then taking that chick all the way back to LA to her car, then driving back west home again.

along the way we see the titty bars on Sunset Blvd like Crazy Girls and so on. She says she's never been to one and always wanted to go. Always?! You're barely 18!!! HEY-OOOOO!!

anyway i try to hang out with her again, drive all the fuck the way out to her house, i'm out side and she says she'll call me back in 15 and then flakes and leaves me hanging. NOT cool. Fuck this chick.

she keeps texting and calling back and forth so i try to kick it once more, she says she's in her car with her girlfriends and they are drinking in a gas station parking lot.
Pounding beers. In a car. At a gas station.
how low class is that? i'm over it. Done.

[2008] So earlier this year i see her online on messenger. BAM i hit her up. (now she's 20 years old, so all you people who think i'm a cradlerobber, calm down. )
She says she had a kid with that guy. shocker. who didn't see this coming?

anyway, i note her kid's bday and name down. months later (recently) when i see her online again, i ask how he is and A) she's broken up with her boyfriend (who didn't see this coming?) and B) I say "didn't (her kid's name) just have his first birthday a few days ago?" BAM she eats it up. chicks LOVE it when you remember dates. ladies, am i right or wrong?

anyway spreading my newer and newer wings, or should i say, spreading my wings more and more, i realize i can get WAY suggestive - beyond suggestive; i know now that i can say shit flat out - and stuff. so i pay her some compliments and start to joke around about grabbing her ass. she says she prefers spankings. oh it is ON.

so i push it more and get pretty blatant. she opens up and tells me how she likes having her hair pulled a certain way, and likes when a guy holds her hands over her head and has his way with her. Roger that, moving in for the kill. LOL.

Ok anyway i gotta get to work. talk to you guys later. thanks for reading.

No Life Like My Life (and I mean it)

2008-09-29T11:23:00.000-07:00

first off i want to thank all my friends and fans and all the readers who have supported me from the day they began reading. you guys are great and you are the reason i keep going. well, not only that - this is fun and kinda therapeutic too. but i always wanted to say some cheesy shit like people always do during dedications.

been staying busy keeping my head above water. i seem to have another six figure mostly kick-back job lined up. thank god because scraping by at $16.00/hr just doesn't cut it. if i believed in god i would think it was some divine bullshit that i found this gig but smart readers know the reality is that people tend to operate in repeating patterns. just like the girls who find guys who beat them or cheat them, the things i do lead me to jobs i can work at for a couple years and milk it.

do i want to be this way? no. am i working on it? yes.

i'm going to drop a series of updates soon on each of the girls on my plate right now. but for now just a little ditty to warm up. show tunes. make it happen.

the other day my wife and kid and i went bowling. i like bowling alleys because there are always hot girls around. sure enough, right next to us was a couple, the girl was early 20's, very skinny, super tight jeans. i'm not a big fan of the skinny girls only because they almost never have any ass and usually have no tits. i'm ok with no tits - i love everything from double D's (not anything larger) on down to lil sub-A-cup fried egg titties. seriously, a girl could be flat as a board and I would happily hit it sideways. but no ass? eeek. that is a fucking wood killer for me.

the good news for assless people is, if you have no ass and you're skinny, put on some pounds. yum. or you can work out. a juicy ass is good, and a muscular ass is good. there is no bad ass as long as it exists. the only bad ass is a flat ass.

speaking of lil fried egg titties, Eva Lux (rest in peace) is a great example.

that is like jello on a spoon. you have no idea. i would slap that shit. oh wait, kym wylde already did, haw haw!!

so this skinny bitch is next to us and i could barely take my eyes off her. she was hot, but maybe only because she was the only thing around.

i'm wearing one of my ivy caps, vintage shirt, i'm looking ok. the guy and the girl next to us are throwing a fair amount of strikes and spares. this bitch could probably out-throw me, and then she'd really have no respect for me if her boyfriend was doing better. that sucks because i haven't bowled in ages and i never really bowled a lot. probably less than 20 games in my life.

i grab a ball, approach without hesitation, BOOM! strike. just fucked that shit up. i turn around and walk back with my eyebrows raised just a tenth of an inch, casual as can be. both of them were looking at me like Damn, this dude packin heat. that's right, bitch!

Throw another strike, then i fuck up and for accidentally looked down (??) as i rolled. Cleaned it up for a spare, but still.

a mexican family comes in, the two daughters are probably seniors in high school or 19 or 20 or some shit, but hot as hell. one of them, the way her body's made, when she walks she switches her hips like a goddamn model or a stripper or something. good lord. a guy could be raised by wolves, crawling around on all fours not speaking a word of any language, and she could seduce him with her ass.
i would fucking jump on that shit.

when we left i held my head up high like i had bowled a 300, just throwing vibe. the girl at the snack counter looked at me and smiled; clearly she liked me. i smiled back and she looked down, still smiling, then looked up at me again as i walked by. i looked at her and smiled again and she blushed. remind me to come back and slap that shit.

wait, my wife's cousin's boyfriend works there, scratch that.

medicaid

2008-08-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

it was weird, i was talking to a friend of mine the other night who has been clean of narcotics for like 5 years now or something. in the past she used to hook up with this sexual sadist guy who would really beat the shit out of her - black eye, busted lip, etc. She was into it, but not how he treated her.

He was a sadist in just about every way - emotional , mental, and physical - but she has a fear of rejection so when he would get off or be done using her, she would try to engage him in conversation and then he would tell her to leave. He would literally call her and say only "Come over." She'd come over, he'd beat her and fuck around with her, then she'd leave.

When she'd start trying to talk to him online, he'd ignore her or block her. Then when he'd want to use her again he'd hit her up (pardon the pun) and she'd come over again. It was a bad cycle. It was really a bummer to hear about him being a dick to her.

For the past two years they hadn't gotten together at all. They talked briefly recently and he had been "clean" of S&M and drugs for like a year and had gotten his pin.

It hit me that I had blown whatever I had going for me regarding my imaginary pin for not fucking around.

For a good while I've been boning my friend's baby's mama. It has its fun moments and I enjoy her body, but it comes at a price. Whenever I'm there, I think to myself how I could be at home playing with my kid. Nothing makes me happier than making my daughter happy. And she is going to grow up so quickly so I have a very narrow window.

I notice I fuck up, or fuck up more, when I am under stress. It's my way of medicating and escaping. Not cool.

I was clean for a long time, but I've gone a little crazy with picking up girls. I registered on a free dating site and picked up some fun ones:

- 26 year old half japanese bisexual girl. very smart, very cute, very kinky, very horny. single mom to two kids.

- 25 year old japanese girl. party animal, lives at home, doesn't drive. cute face, horny, free spirited but not sure exactly how kinky.

- 23 year old EX BEST FRIEND OF THE 22 YEAR OLD!! WTF?! She is very raw and crude and awesome and is way mature for her age. It's weird. I really like her as a person. We probably won't have sex.

- 23 year old immature whiny white-ish girl. smart, chubby, cute, but way too desperate. She sent me her number right away and asked "will you really text me?" fuck!!

- I helped a Mexican chick yesterday with a broken down car; her front teeth were not very long and that bugged the shit out of me, sort of the opposite of Bugs Bunny. She also had a massive spare tire around the waist. But she has a cute face and a pierced tongue which I imagined blasting on. So i got her number and she's been texting me.

- 42 year old half filipina I met off craigslist. Cute, slim, smart, art lover, but way too high strung for me.

- 25 year old arabic chick I met on a sex personals site. Heavyset, cute, very crude, very brash, but pretty straight out. Heavily pierced, heavily tatttoed, into a whole gothic kinda look.

Juggling all these girls even just as friends is kind of annoying. And I don't like the idea that I have to taper off talking to them; it would be nice to push a button and not have to text or call or email or hang out with them any more. It feels like a ball and chain.

Also I feel like there's a fuse lit. If I don't fuck them, they'll get pissed. I guess I wouldn't like that, but then again it would get rid of them.

And I am not going to fuck them. I am so not into it.

But I am loving meeting new people, dressing nice, being attractive, and being out in the world for tiny snatches, an hour here or there.

I also am realizing that as much as my wife and I are not a match and incompatible, she is a better person for me than any of these ones. So now I'm hoping I don't get caught again.

sundew

2008-06-21T05:42:00.000-07:00

It's curious, isn't it? How people turn into themselves.

You meet someone and they show their shiniest facet, their most alluring charms and behaviors
in order to lure you in

But once they get you in, they get to unfurl all their stuff
and see whether you stick around -
it was their mission all along.

Some-things.

2008-06-21T05:40:00.000-07:00

Some things there's no going back from.

be my woman tonight

2008-05-02T03:19:00.000-07:00

It's not the standard free bird situation
but you're talking to these pieces of a man that's trying to make it
through the puzzles
travels
struggles
battles
the body pillow pimp tryin to snuggle with my shadow

We could stay proper
keep the clothes on
no pressure
just hold me and pretend like you've known me forever
won'tcha

booty call

2008-04-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

In November I put up a pretty awesomely raw post on craigslist looking for someone for crazy sex. I got two responses.

The first was from a guy who wrote, "nice ad...let me know how it works....."

I thought he was being sarcastic so I did my black belt cyberstalking and found his real name, his job, and other tracks on the web. Thank you, thank you.

He was some 50-ish white guy white grey hair, handsome, tall, divorced, a beautiful 20-something daughter, etc.

I wrote him back,

I don't need any of your lip, Glenn. My ads work great for me. I met my last girlfriend on a sex personals site and went out for a year and a half. If you don't like how I am, keep it to yourself. If you ARE into kinky sex and weren't being sarcastic, I apologize. However, don't waste your time trying to copy my style, because these girls will see right through it. You gotta be yourself through and through for it to work.

Shrug.

He wrote back, "you idiot....it was a fucking compliment......amazing....."

I responded,

Chill out. Inflection doesn't come across on the 'net. It could have been read
either way, and I did apologize if I misread it, so chill the fuck out.

Thank you though. Appreciated. It's hard being a deviant.

I only got one response from a girl. She wrote me with an email address that seemed to be a real name:

I like - no, I LOVE, NEED, CRAVE, DESIRE having my tits slapped, face fucked, hair pulled (correctly), ass spanked hard, being made to do unspeakable (as in unspeakably hot) things, and being called dirty names.(They tell me) I am exceptionally pretty with a hot (though very short) body, I am extremely intelligent, exceedingly social, and can function perfectly in public or social settings without the need to let me "bedroom submissive" come out. Actually I prefer that.

Make me into your little slut.

I cyberstalked her. It was her real email address, and her real name. Hm. and she lived in a really ritzy area. HMM? Wtf?

We emailed back and forth over like a week. She sent me some photos. She had nice big tits and a decent body. The EXIF data on the photos indicated a few months prior. I figured she had fattened up quite a bit since then. Her nose was a bit off; a bit on the large side and a bit unsymmetrical but overall she looked surprisingly cute.

I met her. I looked really good. In the right t-shirt and jeans I look about 28 and pretty decent, I must say. I was stoked.

She was skinnier than her photos. When's the last time that happened? She was very slim and seemed to have decent sized tits. However, she looked older than the 28 she claimed to be. Maybe 30, 36, who knows.

We walked to the liquor store where she bought some alcohol. She asked what I was drinking. I have no fuckin' idea, I don't drink. I played it off and said I ain't drinking. "Oh, do they test you at work?" "Yeah." Sheeit.

I didn't pay, like I would have for a girlfriend or mistress. At the counter she didn't realize she had her license held sticking out at an angle between two fingers and I stared at it trying to read her DOB. She saw me and looked at it, then turned it. In order to play it off, I kept staring in that direction as if I had been zoning out. She asked me a question and I said "Huh?" and pretended to snap out of my reverie. She fell for it.

We went back to her place and she made herself a mixed drink, and tried to get me to drink something. She was a complete motormouth. She rambled on at a sprint as if she were drunk or something. "You know when we were kidding around and I said I was a total spaz and then said I was kidding? I was lying. I have Tourette's."

I wanted to fuck around with her so I said "Oh, really? Hm, you seem completely normal."

She said she was on her medication. HMMMMmmmm.

The Tourette's manifested itself by making her a germophobe, which made me think perhaps she hadn't been meeting tons of strangers for online sex so might not be crudded up with diseases.

But she continued her motormouth talk literally NON STOP like an auctioneer almost. There were two things that could shut her up. One was when she was sucking on a pipe, and she explained, and demonstrated, that she could smoke endless amounts of pot and never get fully stoned. She smoked a huge amount of it and it had NO apparent effect on her whatsoever. It was amazing.

I grabbed her hair and started making out with her. First off, I hate alcohol breath. Second, I hate smoker breath. You nasty pigs, please don't smoke or be a drunken ho-bag. Fuck, it's nasty.

Anyway she kept pausing like "Ok give me a minute, give me a minute." I started to think she was all talk. She seemed to get too hyper and needed to calm down.

She also told me she was on her period. HO lee SHIAT! Fucking hell.

I stripped her naked and pushed her to her knees. She tried to pull my cock out but I wasn't having any of that. I wasn't sure what I was going to do to her; I was scared of STD's so I didn't want to fuck her, but I wanted to slap her around and do SOMEthing to her, I dunno.

She wanted to go into the bedroom so we did. She had one of those puffy beds. I could see into her roommate's room (who was not home) and it depressed me in that sort of sequins/jazz dance/Nagel way.

She told me a couple things I can't recall, like things she didn't do in bed, and "I could never imagine anything in my ass." Great. The only thing that could shut her up was to shove my cock in her mouth, but I was still scared of STD's so I made her suck my balls while I alternately jerked off and clubbed her face with my hard-on.

When I got off it was literally - and I say this with a great deal of gravity - The Single Least Unfulfilling Orgasm Of My Life.

You gotta figure, say a normal guy gets off once a day or every other day in the shower; after 24 years that's 5000 or so. Me, I've had a lot of orgasms - somewhere around 400,000 or more.

So for me to say this was THE most boring orgasm ever, is not something I take lightly. But as soon as I came I felt like, "That was it??"

It was probably a good thing. It probably kept me from getting addicted to A Nonny Mouse, anonymous sex with strangers.

As soon as I blasted her I said in my mind, "This one's for you!" to my dead uncle. Then I napped for a couple hours, slid out without waking her, and drove home.

I Have A Dream -The Dream

2008-03-27T05:56:00.000-07:00

I wrote this over three years ago. God damn. Time fucking flies, especially when you get old.

The Dream

3/02/2005 5:56AM

Anyway, now that I've spent hours reminiscing and typing this, I've forgotten the dream. Damn. What I do remember is, we were on a trip, or at sort of a camp, for grownups. She and I were "together," not as a pure couple, but more as a fling. We were together, but we weren't. We had so much fun together, the star of this movie and I. We ended up in bed, just sleeping. No sex, no bondage, no erection, not her servicing me, no need to re-prove myself, just sleeping together. I felt so goddamn good, I felt better than I had in... years? I was in heaven. I wanted to wrap around her, so I reached out, and felt- my daughter.

What the fuck? I opened one eye: my infant daughter was laying between my wife and I, on my bed, in my house, not the bed I was in with J. Dammit!! I was awake, the dream was gone, and so was J. Oh my god I can't believe how sad I was. I still feel that way almost at the end of the day today. Most of the dream has faded, but even so, I feel as though I've lost a very close friend. I miss her smiling face, I miss her friendship. It felt good putting that sunshiny smile on her face.

Am I codependant? I need to have her be happy, need to have her be smiling because of me? Or do I still love her? Or do I just miss my friend?

Baby Part II

2008-03-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Sitting in my buddy's baby's momma's apartment on her "bed" (mattress in the corner) (with sheets, though, I mean it's not a flophouse) I didn't want to come right out with "OK, TAKE THE GODDAMN TEST!" but she took HOURS to get around to it.

I wanted to play it off like I was coming to see her anyway but the fact is that if she weren't possibly pregnant I would have gone straight home to be with my daughter.

Call me crazy but I figured if she's already pregnant she can't get more pregnant, and if she's not, the Depo shot is working and she won't get pregnant. So I fucked her yet another time with no condom. Yes, I am insane.

It was kind of annoying, having sex with her. I had whacked off like once earlier and three times the day before in an effort to NOT go see her, so I wasn't really that turned on. I fucked her doggy style and I would tell her to go slow or not to move (so I could take control and bring things to a boil) but she kind of does this thing where she bucks her hips back and forth and whines "Oh yeah." I say "does this thing" because it seems very contrived. Anyway it's annoying when a girl doesn't do what I say in bed. I'm callin' the fuckin' shots here.

Sure enough, afterward we laid around hugging each other and I stroked her beautiful, long, thick, shiny black hair, and she mentioned how she's a bad lover and she doesn't know what she's supposed to do. "You're not supposed to do anything other than enjoy yourself."

She had to pee, and as she walked to the bathroom I pretended to just then remember the pregnancy test, and casually reminded her of it.

I woke up and it had been I don't know how long. She was still in the bathroom. Holy fuck!!

comes around goes around

2008-03-19T12:15:00.000-07:00

My ex-mexican mistress - mexican ex-mistress, whatever - has been popping up a bit lately.

i don't know how much I've explained, but she now has two babies by two different daddies. When I consider just how many times I've fucked her condomless I feel as though I took a step forward and then a semi drove through right where I had been standing a moment earlier. I came THIS CLOSE...

She calls me here and there when she needs something, but tries to create this dynamic where it's as if I'm stalking her or interested in her, so she can push me away. She'll call from a private number, or when I ask "What are you up to?" or "So where you workin now?" she'll ask "Why?" Even more annoying, she'll tell me a story and mention some guy's name or other. I won't understand whether the guy is her cousin or friend or boyfriend or what, so I ask who that person is and she'll respond "Why? It's none of your business." Fuck you, you started talking about some random guy who showed up! How am I supposed to even understand the story?!

I blow it off, I mean come on. Anyway she called me up outta the blue and suggested we go to "our restaurant." I instantly said "Ok, I'll leave now and it'll take me an hour and fifteen minutes to get there," then hated myself for reacting like that.

When I met her she looked older. More haggard. The one line at each side of her mouth had turned into hard lines. Her meat looked flabbier, less full of rubbery vibrancy. She was wearing velvet black pants and a matching zip-up top; she used to have a nice round bubbly ass; now it looked more like old lady ass. Even her hair seemed stringier. And she seemed harsher.

It had only been... holy crap, two years! Since I'd seen her. Wow. Two years. The last time had been a single similar meet-up. And it had been a year before the previous one, when our relationship had wound down.

Anyway life seemed to have taken a toll on her. I felt sorry for her even though she's bitchy and annoying in some ways. And selfish and inconsiderate.

We went to lunch and talked about life. She barely joked around any more. I missed the old fun times but I wondered just how much of the time they were really fun.

She didn't say "thank you" when I paid.

Driving away in my new car I weighed the experience. I didn't regret coming but I missed my kid. My time with my kid is more valuable than driving over an hour away for THIS rude person - especially to pay to feed her. Fuck that. I coulda spent that time and that little amount of money on my kid and made her happier. When my kid is grown and I miss her and wish she were little again, I may wish I never wasted even that one afternoon on my ex-mistress. Even though it will hurt and she'll be really shitty to me, next time she calls me, I gotta turn her down.

That will be a rare experience for me, turning a girl down. I've rarrrely done it. The funny thing is, when I think back to the few times in my life that I've done it, I see that instantly the girls sense that you're "over it" and they flipflop and act sweet, to lure you back in.

This girl won't be that way but I don't care.

Baby part I.

2008-03-16T12:42:00.000-07:00

My current mexican mistress - my buddy's baby momma - texted me the other day.

M late. my period was sposed 2 come on the 8th

3 days late. She had taken the morning-after shot the last time (of the many times now) I fucked her condomless, and the uh.... the 3-month birth control shot too. But I felt woozy and my heart began to race. Is it ever late normally? Without the shot?

No.

Well then take a test! Go buy one, I'll pay, or are they free at the clinic?

yes smarty pants. M going to Rite Aid.

ok i'll come down at 5

I work another hour while sweating, then call her. She says she's just geting home. "From Rite Aid?" "No, I haven't gone yet." WHAT!! "Oh, ok. Do you want me to pick up a test on my way?" "No, I'm just gonna get one from the 99 Cent Store." "What!! I'll get a name brand one." She gave me a little guff as if I were snobby, but jesus christ!

I had to look up the drug store's location on my car's GPS without actually entering it as a destination, to prevent my wife from noticing me "Hey, he visited a drug store in downtown LA, hours before he came home that night. What took him so long? What was he getting? Condoms?"

As I pulled up to the drugstore I realized it was the same one I used to frequent four years ago for condoms with my mexican ex-mistress. They used to end up getting removed when I'd be fucking her and she'd say "I doan like thay con-dome." Jesus Christ, what kind of person comes THAT close to getting his mistress pregnant and permanently altering life as I know it, and then does it again and again?

How depressing the building's dark red bricks were as I walked in yet again.

Speaking of condoms, the pregnancy tests were right next to them. Ho ho.

I spent a few minutes analyzing and picked what seemed to be the best test. They all claimed 99% accuracy, even the 99-Cent-Store brand ones, but I picked the brand my poor dear wife uses to see whether she's pregnant. My poor dear heartbroken infertile wife.

On the way to pay there was a new flavor of Pringles. I grabbed a can. Fuck it.

oh baby

2008-03-15T11:55:00.000-07:00

please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please don't let her be pregnant please please please please please please please please

Pushing

2007-11-25T15:37:00.000-08:00

I've really been pushing myself too hard. I've been doing pretty well lately - I think. I'm not sure, but I think.

Lately I have no interest in sex. None. I can hardly beat off. Wtf??

I've been seeing this girl, my friend's baby's mama. It's fun but we're definitely not a match, about our beliefs, personalities, or in bed. But it's exciting. She has probably the nicest breasts of any girl I've ever been with. She looks like a real life version of Tomb Raider, several months after having a kid of course, so she's not fantasy-perfect but pretty damn close.

She's slim, Mexican, very pretty face, long thick black hair, and has huge round natural tits. Good gracious it's ridiculous. It's recockulous! Anyway it took me a few months to get with her. I wasn't really trying to fuck her, just suck on her tits and stuff, but it ended up that we're kinda dating right now.

She lives in the ghettoest of the ghetto. People stare at me and my car because I stick out like a sore thumb. Leaving her apartment in South Central in the middle of the night I feel like the white cop with the latin ghetto mistress in the cop movies.

I've fucked her TWICE without a condom. It's really scary. At the time I think to myself, "Welp, this is the end of life as I know it." And I say goodbye to my wife and current living situation as if they're leaving on a ship and it's beyond my control. But I was watching Dexter (the show) the other night and his sponsor told him something like "You call yourself a monster so you don't have to try." I think I do the same thing. So I won't be fucking her bareback any more. Anyhow I barely even wanted to.

I also met this other girl online. It was theoretically a great booty-call situation. But she was weird and didn't turn me on. It really took the shine off the fantasy of having someone as my booty call, which is a good thing I think. I wonder whether it was me, her, or both.

Anyway I've dusted off my old business and am in the process of raising investment capital for it. I've raised $100,000 so far. I only need about $300k-400k to get going, but I'm shooting for around $1 million. It's tough though. I feel like less than my so-called peers because despite my, modesty aside, amazing ability to talk to people convincingly and persuasively, and despite my lifetime of knowledge in my industry, my brains, my credentials, my contacts, and my ideas, here I am with a (currently) 601 credit score, off-and-on work history, and although people assume I have at least one degree, I have not even a high school diploma.

I read these bio's on other people in my position or similar ones, and most of the time it mentions places they've worked for years, what colleges they attended, etc. I do notice when people are covering up, like "_____ has worked as a high-level industry insider since 1993," or, "has held a number of executive positions with various companies," but most of them seem to have at least gone to college. Or I notice the rare ones who haven't gone to college, "majored in Engineering at Cal Poly Pomona." (note: doesn't say graduated)

So, I dunno. But I get distracted. I gotta go. Write more later. Thanks for all you guys' emails.

timelife

2007-06-29T03:35:00.000-07:00

Life is a funny thing. I've changed so much in the past 6 months, and so much in the preceding 6 months, that I am a whole other person.

Almost all of the appeal of getting off has kinda worn off for me. Maybe if I had a dry spell with no orgasms that would change, but frankly I have lost most interest in porn, affairs, random hookups, you name it.

I've made out with (kissing and sucking their tits, nothing more) three women recently (the hippie, my friend's baby's mama, and the half black half white girl), and almost as soon as I had the first kiss, I was over it. Maybe it's because they weren't my kinda kisser, or maybe it's because two of them were nervous about their performance, or maybe it's that I just wasn't into it.

Actually come to think of it I've kissed a fourth girl, one that i did enjoy. That one was great. That one turned me on. I guess upon analysis it's because she was really turned on, not nervous, and unlike the hippie, didn't annoy me.

I need to write about each of these girls, and my mexican ex-mistress, to explain the changes that have gone on with them - and my wife - but, overall, I feel much more free.

I pretty much don't want to have an affair for that addictive rush of excitement. I have no interest in that. Amazingly.

I barely want to indulge my fantasies, kinky and otherwise, with wild girls,

I have no interest in the hippie, in even flirting or being friends with her,

I have no interest in having a romantic relationship with my ex-mistress,

I have no interest in having a romantic relationship with my friend's baby's mama,

I have no interest in having a sexual relationship with the half black half white chick,

and equally staggering, I have almost no interest in alllllll the girls I had previously earmarked as candidates for affairs.

Right now I just want to get some shit going with my life; I'm really hungry to get some personal satisfaction.

a life

2007-06-29T03:29:00.000-07:00

"Such carnage is not actually my desire, nor the filth and empty wandering that makes up most of my life."

- British rock star Pete Doherty

world on fire

2007-06-06T03:11:00.000-07:00

today on the freeway i saw a white van with BREAST AUGMENTATION, $2999 on the side. what the fuck has the world come to?

frequency

2007-04-12T05:32:00.000-07:00

I might be calling my friend's baby's mama too often.

Here's a tip:

If you start calling or IM'ing every day (or night), soon you HAVE to call every day, because if you stop, it sends the message that you're backing off or are sick of them. You might not want to send that message, but maybe you can't keep up the pace because your spouse is going to be at your side for 4 days straight on a long weekend, or maybe you're going to go on a vacation with your spouse, etc.

The thing to do is pace yourself.

Just remember, cheating is wrong and cheats both your significant other, and yourself.

Her baby has an minor medical problem, and has had it for like 2 months. Being as she doesn't have health insurance, she initially took the baby in to County Hospital (why does everyone say only Canada has free health care?!) and the moron doctor basically blew her off. Now that it's gotten worse, she's wondering what to do. Since my wife knows all about that stuff, she said to maybe ask my wife.

So I did tonight, though I said my friend (the bad-boy guy) and his girlfriend (not really) were wondering about their baby. I couldn't tell the truth about how the guy has been MIA, since I've been using him as an excuse as to why I call that girl's apartment and cell phones all the time.

My wife told me to call her and she'd talk to her. I was scared my wife would say mention the baby's father and the girl would say "Oh he hasn't been around" or "I haven't seen him in weeks," and I'd be caught.

But it seemed to work out ok. My wife talked to her and gave her advice for like 15 minutes and then hung up.

My only concern is that this girl will feel weird about making out with me now. Or that it was weird that I didn't call her or talk to her today like we usually do. But I'll find out soon enough.

Brownie

2007-04-11T05:40:00.000-07:00

Another girl I've started something with, is a half black half white girl.

She's incredibly beautiful, she models, has been in commercials, music videos, etc.

She's recently stopped that because she's gained weight (all in her thighs), but still looks smokin' hot. I have naked pictures of her.

She's so much like me it's scary. She even does some of the same shit as me, like listen to one song 100 times in a row, or find it painful to listen to voicemails.

Anyway I'm not trying to fuck her. She's too cool and my sex drive has just been in the shitter lately, maybe because I'm getting old, or maybe because I take care of it like 3 times daily.

It must just be that there's no chemistry because I don't even think about making out with her. She is beautiful and hot as hell, but just doesn't turn me on. Isn't that weird?

She also reminds me of the Dom in some ways - freaking out all the time, no self-control, believes she's too much for any guy, blah blah. I am so over it.

Krafft-Ebbing’s description of "pathological sexuality" 100 years ago:

2007-04-10T04:34:00.000-07:00

It permeates all his thoughts and feelings, allowing of no other aims in life, tumultuously, and in a rut-like fashion demanding gratification without granting the possibility of moral and righteous counter-presentations, and resolving itself into an impulsive, insatiable succession of sexual enjoyments....This pathological sexuality is a dreadful scourge for its victim, for he is in constant danger of violating the laws of the state and of morality, of losing his honor, his freedom and even his life.

So let me tell you about what else I have going on.

Remember the young, hip thai waitress in my old town? My wife and I went to dinner recently and a thai place down the street from our house - we've moved 15 miles away - and she works there. She remembered me and was happy to see me. I was happy to see her. I can tell she has a really nice spirit. I can also tell she's lonely. It makes me feel sorry for her. The only way I know how to comfort her though is to start a whole campaign of turning her into my mistress. Another one.

Baby Mama Drama

2007-04-09T05:52:00.000-07:00

I have this friend who's a real bad boy, good looking, long, and ripped to the point of being gay, crazy huge cheekbones and mean eyes, the whole thing. Lived on his own since he was like 18, no mom or dad to help him. Hasn't talked to his mom in years, talks to his dad once in a great while, isn't really sure where either of them is for the most part.

Since 18 he has never had a job, never had credit cards, never paid taxes, always made his money by hustling here and there, no, not the gay term for prostitution, just buying and selling cars and car parts, working on people's cars for money, etc.

He's 31 now has been suffering from depression the past year or more, living in his shitty tiny rental house and fiending over Myspace like crazy. Sometimes for a week straight he fucks a new girl every day, sometimes two new girls a day. He just gets them one after another, mostly hot ones too. One had just turned 18 and another was like 42. One of them had a minor but solo role in a major Hollywood film, really hot, and when they met at a bar, she sucked his cock out on the smoking lounge. When he's fucking girls or making them suck his cock, he'll take pictures with the girl's cell phone and send them to me.

He's an emotional and mental abuser and obviously has issues, so whenever he gets with a girl that he likes or is a good catch, he's mean to them.

He got a Mexican girl, 24 and from South Central (the ghetto in Los Angeles - I explain this because more and more of my readers are from Europe) pregnant and she gave birth to a girl in January. He was actually there, but he has only seen his daughter once since then, when she brought the baby to show him.

He has been not answering her calls and emails the past month; he finally called her back when he just got a job at a race car type place, and was going to come see her and bring some money when he got paid on the 2nd, but it didn't happen and he's back to shutting her out.

She's really cool, very pretty, very mellow and composed, unflustered. She speaks calmly and not often, but she has a real wild streak. Yes, I have to say the physical shit, don't I? Fuck you. She has big soft double D's, nice body, nice ass, nice legs.

It's curious because she's barely been outside of South Central in her entire life. She had never been 20 minutes west to the ocean (though she had been about 30 minutes south, to Long Beach) at Santa Monica, Marina Del Rey, Malibu, the nicer areas. Her neighborhood is so ghetto that there are dogs and cats running around in the streets like a third world country, and so Mexican that at all hours of the night, people in those "roach coaches," food trucks, drive around with a megaphone yelling PEEK-SA! PEEK-SA! ("pizza," in Spanglish), and "PAN! PAN!" (bread) You hear roosters crowing in backyards and jingles of the little old men pushing carts full of Mexican ice creams or fried things. Yet unlike most people in the ghetto, she knows she's had a limited view of the world.

One time when I took her Santa Monica, she needed to get something from a drug store, so I found a 24-hour Rite-Aid. She was amazed that stores outside of the ghetto, are open late. I guess that's when the robberies happen, or maybe ghetto dwellers don't shop late?

Unlike my friend/her baby's father, I have been to see and hang out with her and her daughter about 20 times, and I've called her like every day to every other day. We talk a lot, and I try to help her out with everything from friendship and companionship, to advice on dealing with the baby, her baby's father, or life. She has a wonderful spirit and I really like her. I bring her food and take her to dinner; unlike most people from the inner city ghetto, she isn't afraid to try new things. She actually has liked Thai food since before we met, which is unusual considering most Mexicans from South Central won't eat anything but either junk food or Mexican food.

When she was sick, she had never even heard of Puffs or any kind of medicated Kleenex, so when she was sick, I brought her some. I gave her an old laptop I literally hadn't touched in years, and an old digital camera so she could take pictures of her baby.

It's funny; I've rarely had any really nice possessions in my life, so I have this desire to hang on to anything of value, especially cameras or computers since in a pinch when one of my usual ones crashes, it's a huge relief to have a backup. But giving them to her made me feel good because everybody should be able to have a record of photos of their children, and have access to the internet.

I've told her she's not obligated to me in any way for anything I've given her. I don't want her to feel obligated to do anything with me just because I've helped her out.

She thinks she's a bad kisser. She tells me a peck is a 1, and French kissing is a 10, and the most she's ever done is a 3-4. I find that curious because when I'm leading up to fucking a girl, we kiss for at least two hours. Usually I've spent at least two other times kissing for at least two hours, before that. And I go way past 10 on the kiss kink scale.

Because she's so attractive, my thoughts run to kissing her. I think she'd be like a nuclear bomb in bed, once she got comfortable enough to get over her shyness. It would be like fucking a horny angry tigress.

But I definitely don't want to fuck her. My friend's cock is way bigger than mine so I'd feel kind of inadequate. I know girls don't care as long as you're a decent size, and to them, the emotion is way more important, but even so, it just is not something I want.

I do think about making out with her though. She's gorgeous and hot.

But she's so pure and good, that the last thing i want to do is hurt her.

P.S.

2007-04-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

I just want to thank those who have emailed me encouraging me to write more. It's good for me, so I think I'll start again.

Half Nelson

2007-04-01T06:10:00.000-07:00

"This song is called Half Nelson
for those times
when you’re feeling kinda stuck."
- Miles Davis, 'Workin' with the Miles Davis Quintet'

I don't know. Things have been going okay. I'm less depressed than I used to be. Even a little happy from time to time.

I think it would take a lot to make me happy; I honestly think I burned out the pleasure center of my brain. Either that or my depression is just overwhelmingly heavy. But... I'm working at getting there.

I've been pretty good; I haven't fucked another girl since March 17th of last year. That's over 1 year.

I think I'm slipping back into fucking up though. I finally went and saw the earthy hippie girl a couple weeks ago. She hasn't been writing or calling, but she's been cc'ing emailing me invites me to a pot-luck once a week at her little apartment. It was a great time; the best time I've had in a long time. Buncha mellow 20-somethings into progressiveness and healthy and sustainable living and so on.

She has a boyfriend who she says is somewhat into polyamory, meaning, if in order to keep her he has to accept her being with other people, he will. I kind of didn't care, because of course, I'll fuck another man's wife or girlfriend even if he does care. Especially if he does! LOL

Anyway afterward we hung out and hugged and talked and laid down. All of a sudden she was naked, and started kissing me. I messed around and it was fun but when she reached for my crotch I instantly batted her hand away. That was the last thing on my mind. I enjoyed all the making out but I wasn't the slightest bit aroused.

I have a lot more to write but I have to go. Anyway, the other night I think I had a chance to get together with my friend's ex, but the possibility got blown. This band had hired me to come shoot photographs - I'm getting good, and am in minor demand - and me and my friend's ex arrived at the bar/club when they were already playing.

You know how it is with local bands - most of the crowd know each other, at least by face, so coming in late and elbowing my way right to the front with a big vintage camera (like the ones paparazzi used to use in the way olden days, flashbulbs and all) I definitely was noticed.

This tiny little super hot mexican/asian hybrid girl in the crowd at the front of the stage grabbed me while and started dancing with me. I'm guessing she was 22. Some guy she was with tried to pull her away but she kept coming back to me. It was fucking with my photographs so it was actually a little lame, but then she stood on her toes and kissed me, tongue, lips, everything, BAM. It caught me off guard; I didn't know what to do.

When we pulled apart she kept dancing with me, and when I got a good look at her, she was so cute, the beast woke up. You could almost hear the dragon inhaling from scratch with the drawn out building-up sound like a jet engine spooling up, right before he exhales a scorching 10 second purple and white blast of fire.

I grabbed her hard by the back of the head, dug my fingers into her hair, and just smashed our faces together, BOOM! It was like a comet, hitting a planet. All the girls and all the guys in the club yelled YEAHHH! and camera flash after camera flash went off while I just devoured her. She was actually a really good kisser. She bit my lip, and I was like Ohhhh, you want to open Pandora's box, little girl? I'm telling you, these young girls are not EVEN knowing. They always tell me, their boyfriends' idea of fucking them hard or getting wild is to just do the exact same thing, harder. Like, just thrust harder.

Anyway it was gloves off time, so I sucked on her tongue hard and bit her lip hard enough to make it bleed, and held it. When we finally stopped kissing, she looked at me while she was panting with her mouth open and eyes half closed, with a look of absolute genuine lust. She was ready to bear my children at that moment. At that moment, she would have blown me right in front of everybody, and I am being dead serious. It sounds like I'm exaggerating- No. I've never seen anything like it.

Well, I have, but only in the bedroom. And only... maybe half the girls I've been with. The ones where I've been at my best. Anyway:

She fanned herself and mouthed, You're so hot.

She kept dancing against me, grabbing my crotch, rubbing her hands all over me, and biting painfully hard on my chest and biceps while i kept trying to take pictures. At that moment I didn't give a shit about taking pictures or even about scoring with the girl I came with. But because I was so off-guard, I didn't play it cool and balance out giving attention to the kissy girl and getting her number or set my hook in deeper. I basically just went back to shooting film.

After the set I heard her and her friends talking about me - "But he's cute!" - but I didn't work it at all.

I feel lame, like I have no game all of a sudden. Where the fuck was it?

The girl I came with joined back up with me after the show and told me I shouldn't let girls touch me because it makes me look less appealing to any girls who might be interested in me. We talked about it and I told her how I was caught off guard and so on. Then the little kisser girl came back over, pulled me away a few feet, and kissed me some more. Hahahahaha!

As long as I was at it, I saw this mexican chick with a super gorgeous face but pretty chunky, who I had seen on Myspace. I remembered her name! So I asked the lead singer's girlfriend "Is that _______?" "Yeah." "Oh my god I have the biggest crush on her. I saw her Myspace page and I was just like... Anyway, is she single?" "Yeah, she's really sweet." Mission accomplished. Seeds planted.

Sure enough, later I saw her whispering to that girl, and they both looked at me. Perfect! Anyway, later I talked to her a little, but she was drunk and she and her friends and the guys they came with all knew I liked her. It was kinda like being set up on a date, having all these drunk people hollering teasing her and making fun of me, while I was trying to summon up some game.

But then again, I know enough not to doubt myself. I'm sure if I calm down and play it cool I can get all three - the girl I came with, the little kisser, and the chunky beauty.

I guess the real issue is, I know I'm supposed to quit, but I've forgotten why. I always do this: I'm right back to the feeling of "Why is this even wrong? Why did I even stop in the first place?"
In fact, I even feel like I need to go crazy on girls just to make up for lost time.

End of the Year

2006-12-26T13:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I don't know what to say because my head is all muddled and I need to go make some money. I'm not really in writing mode but I'm going to try just dumping.

Lately I've been even less inspired by porn than ever. Not only that, but I'm started to get tired of girls. No, I am not turning into a homo, I mean I'm getting tired of the idea keeping up a bunch of side shit.

I've had a couple of adventures here and there but overall, it's sinking in: it's a pain in the ass to have a girl on the side. I think my problem was I used to associate a girl with easy fun. Now I associate her with a big hassle. I've touched the hot stove enough times I'm realizing that it hurts.

Maybe if I were big pimpin' again, clocking thousands a week, I'd want to. But maybe not. It would be a lot easier. I could have a player pad, an apartment or at least a room(mate); a second cell phone that would be much easier to deal with; etc. But like I said, maybe not. Right now I feel like I outgrew it. But who knows what the future holds?

Anyway I've been going to a counselor for like 6 months and overall it's helped me with a bunch of stuff in my life. I got a good counselor; maybe that's part of why it's been positive, but I'm also doing some of the work.

One of the big things I've done is that I'm starting to really not give a shit what people think of me. I'm almost 37, which is almost 40, and I sure as hell ain't gettin' any younger. So why keep ruining the rest of my life? It's helped me get over the fact that my dad isn't my biggest fan. It sucks, but, it's time to get over it. He's just a guy.

Think back to when you were a kid and your mom or dad was, what, in their 20's or 30's. Remember how larger-than-life they were? Not perfect, but, you kinda idolized them. Now think back to when you were that old. You weren't godlike. You maybe didn't know shit. You were just some guy or girl. So you gotta go back in time and re-look at your parents now with a new perspective.

Out of the Frying Pan, Into the Fire

2006-11-08T00:29:00.000-08:00

So I guess I gotta be fast because I'm tired.

I'm not really sure what the hell I'm doing. Last month I was walking around in LA taking pictures at night and I found this hair salon open at like 10 PM. This Guatemalan chick had just opened it so to support her I got a haircut from her gay guy. I rapped to him in Spanish and she was curious about it, and she liked me, so when I paid, she gave me her business card and circled her cell phone number before giving it to me, saying I can reach her there during the day when she's at her other job; and I noticed she also had FAT LATIN TITTIES, oh shit. So I was like, Hm, this is interesting, HER cell phone number ends in 8-3-0-9, whereas MY penis will fit nicely between her tits, so that's kind of a huge coincidence!

Then at this vendor of ours, there's this woman, probably 43, who I've been hitting on really hard. When she answers the phone and says their business name and her name, I say, "The lovely and talented __(her name)__ ?" and so on. Speaking of tit week, she has pretty big tits, and thank god doesn't have too bad of a mom ass. She has a real 70's or 80's hairdo though, so that really bugs. I mean it's like embarrassing almost; it's insanely out of style.

I did my usual thing of telling her I'm older than she is, then fighting back and forth with "no, how old are YOU?" until finally giving in and saying "I'm 36!!" like I'm so much older than she. Then the girl invariably says how sweet I am for saying that, and I play it up about not believing they're older. Then like 2 weeks later I subtlely bring it up again as if I completely forgot the whole convo, like I have been operating off the assumption they're younger than me. Each time I usually say something like "God DAMN you're good looking for 43, I mean, I thought you were good looking for 35!" Women just eat it up no matter what; I've never had it fail.

You know the other thing I've never had fail? Pick a day randomly, perk up the moment you see them and say "Hi _____! You look really cute today!"

Anyway after flirting with that chick pretty hard, I came back the next day and she was way more makeup'ed up and so on. Clearly it was for me; I've seen this behavior a hundred times before.

Anyway, we were talking on the phone at one point about exes and kids and so on. She was saying how she finally got rid of her first husband, and laughed when I said "Well, it was your first, so that's your trial marriage. But you're married now?" "Yeah, he's a whole OTHER problem; I'll tell you sometime." So I of course smoothly transitioned into "Haha, yeah, you gotta tell me about it over thai food or something." I say Thai food is like the new sushi. Anyway, she was like "Yeah!" so I took that as a good sign.

So, a week or two later, I had to visit them again, with these two hot skinny big boobed 21 year old models I work with, and I totally ignored them and treated them like morons in front of this woman. All the guys in the place were staring like these girls were making out, but I just blew it off. So when we went to leave, I asked her to thai food, and she said "Sure, we could do lunch sometime or something."
"Well, I work like 2 hours away, so, it would have to be dinner, because I pass right by here on my way home."
"Sure, ok, this week is hectic for til Friday but maybe next week on Wednesday or Thursday."

So, I let those days pass by, and I don't call, and she doesn't call me.

Monday, I call her up and talk about work stuff for a moment, and then I say, "Hey, I apologize if I offended you by asking you to dinner-"
Quickly: "I wasn't offended!" (cheery and not defensive)
"Well, I'm sorry if I was rude, I just normally don't meet many people who are smart AND down to earth-" "aw, that's sweet." "-, AND good looking... so... you can't blame me for wanting to spend an hour with you."
"No, I wasn't offended at all. I'm sorry I've been so flaky, we're just slammed with work for blah blah blah."
"Oh, not at all, that's not flaking on me, I know you're busy."
"So, can I get a rain check?"

So now I wait and see. If she calls, it's on, completely, no two ways about it. But if I call her and she agrees to go out, it might mean I've got her, but it might just mean dinner.

Speaking of married-

A friend of mine who's a real street kid; he's 30 and has lived on his own since he was 16. Doesn't know where his mom is, and his dad rarely speaks to him and is kind of a nomad. Has never had a real job that I really knew of; always has hustled and just gotten by.

He is pretty misogynistic and meets fucked up girls on Myspace, fucks them, kind of makes them feel wanted but also treats them like shit in a subtle way.

Anyway, he invited me to a rockabilly-ish show the other night, where his friends were playing. The place was full of greaser-looking guys, and retro kitten type girls, covered in tattoos, I'm talking even neck tattoos, hand tats, etc.

Anyway, I hit on this really cute, thick girl. Her body was ok, and her hair was really well done in some old-fashioned rolls, and she was wearing a really cute dress, but what really set it off was these short shorts she had one, and fishnet stockings; something about the way her body was made just made the shorts seem even shorter. You know the kind where, there's no butt cheek hanging out, but the shorts come right up underneath so they are like a miniskirt on crack (pardon the pun).

Anyway, I had my friend's hot and fucked up date tell her, "My friend thinks you're cute." Then I rolled up on her and asked her who she came here with.
"Nobody."
"Really? Your boyfriend isn't going to see me talking to you and get pissed?"
She got all giggly and embarrassed and said, "I don't have a boyfriend!" like, "you silly goose!"

I asked whether I could take her picture, and got her email address to send it to her.

Then after she left I hit on these two girls who had been staring at me. They were probably like 23 or something; seemed kinda dumb, and cute bodies but boring faces. I got one's myspace and stuff.

Finally after they left, I hit on this pretty fuckin' big girl who had a cute face and was staring at me all night. I asked for her myspace, and she said how she doesn't have one, but turned it around on me and said "So what's your phone number?" opening her purse and getting a pen and paper. Shit! Fuck.

We hung out a while and she touched my hand and rubbed it and stuff. On the one hand I'd totally fuck her face, but on the flip side I was like, "Damn, she's not some slutbag, she's a really sweet girl who is probably lonely."

Now I felt bad that I'll have to duck her or whatever. I mean, I'd like to turn her into just a sex partner but I'd hate to hurt her feelings.

I went home and sleuthed that first girl, the thick one. Found her Myspace. 23 years old, and, oh, my: married! Wtf?

Song For Holly

2006-11-08T00:26:00.000-08:00

I can make you want me
I can make you think
you need me

too

I can reassure you
that all the lies
you tell yourself are

true

Fire in the twilight

2006-10-27T01:33:00.000-07:00

Lots of changes. I keep wanting to compose a post for this blog but I never have alone time to really sit down and type.

I've been pretty good. I haven't laid a finger on another woman since March 26 or so, I'm sorry to say. Sorry in a way. In a way I don't care; in another way I worry that I'll regret it later, when I'm old and can't get any girls to give me the time of day.

I've met a few women and got some minor flirtations going on. I find that if they're too nice, it instantly rules them out for me. I just get turned off.

One of them is the spittin' image of a 40-year old version of the 21 year old. Amazing. However, she's the opposite, a real sweetheart. I could sense her desire to meet someone special, but I could also sense her goody-two-shoes-ness. She works at a company we bought, so I did all the little things like leave my cell phone for her boss, and of course she calls me on it. But the first time she said "I thought about moving, and I prayed on it," I knew she was 100% ruled out, completely unworkable. I want excitement and passion; I don't want to lead on a poor desperate girl and hurt her feelings.

Another is a Thai chick, about 30. She's got money and lives out here with some guy in order to get her green card or something. She's interested but I feel like she's another nice one. Clearly she's sneaky - she implied she was single, but I found out the real story, for example - and motivated by money, but even so, I feel sorry for her. She must be very lonely here.

I was very flirty with her and got her to basically suggest that we go to this Thai restaurant I had heard about up in Hollywood, but why? I don't want to fuck her. I'm not sure I could even take her seriously as a sexual partner so I don't even think I'd want to make out with her. I'm not sure we could really become friends. I wonder, though. Anyway, I pity her, but I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I also have been flirting with the mother of this 19 year old model we hired. The model also happens to look one hell of a lot like the 21 year old. The mom doesn't, but she's divorced, a high ranking executive, and rich as fuck. She also feels unattractive and I'm sure she feels shit on due to her husband doing the usual Orange County thing and dumping her for a hot girl scarcely older than his daughter.

On the one hand I want to get something going on, like take her to dinner and get a flirtation going on, but on the other hand I'm scared it may backfire and she'd tell my boss, the CEO of my company, and I'd get canned. I also worry that if it did go over well, she'd get too attached to me and I'd hurt her feelings.

She's a multi fucking scrillionaire so I fantasize that I could turn her into a sugar mama. I'm not sure what I'd want, though. A new motorcycle? A badder-ass digital camera? Clothes? Eh. I'm getting old; I don't even want stuff.

I also kind of have something going with this woman at a vendor of ours. She's not super hot but she has big tits. We were talking about marriage and she cracked some joke about how she's married for the second time and this husband is a whole other problem she needs to take care of. She said she'd go to dinner with me sometime but I sense she's on the fence about cheating on him or not.

Finally, I've been really bold with the CEO's 41 year old ex-wife. She's going to be on a TV show debuting this fall; she's extremely beautiful. One day she was sitting down and asked me whether I was married. I opened my eyes wide and stared right at her massive fake tits and said, "Not at the moment!" She replied that I was terrible but didn't stop smiling or break eye contact, so I knew she was enjoying it. From that point on I've been really physically forward and dominant with her, like grabbing her hair at the back of her head with one hand, and rubbing her cheekbone hard with the thumb of my other hand; or grabbing her waist with both hands and manhandling her, telling her I'm going to destroy her. She eats it up. She would be an absolute blast in bed.

I miss the two girls I had to dump because I got caught. One in particular, the dog fucker. She was a good friend, maybe one of the best friends I've had. She left a message for me on Yahoo messenger saying I had hurt her really badly. I have been meaning to write her an email or a letter to apologize. I hope I can take some of the hurt away.

Speaking of married women, I'm trying to figure out whether I'm for sure harming a girl by getting her to cheat on her husband/boyfriend. For some it's for sure "yes," but I think for some of them it must be no, like girls who need attention. But I do wonder.

The other day I was getting my hair cut at a hispanic-female-owned salon in L.A. The chick who owned it was kinda cute, but had big latin tits so that bumped her up a notch. She had a wedding ring but gave me her business card and circled her cell phone number. I want to call her because I love latin women and brown skin and big tits (and small ones too, but you know what I mean), but I don't want to make her feel bad about herself.

On the other hand, what if her husband is a total piece of shit and this gives her a smile to come home with to give to her kids (if she has any)? What if he puts her down for her figure or looks or something, and this gives her self-confidence, making her feel better about herself knowing that someone finds her attractive? What if she cheats on him all the time and thinks nothing of it?

I don't know. All I want any more are kinky sluts, preferably married. It sounds like the opposite of wanting to get close to someone, but that's not it at all.

I want married women so I can prove to myself I'm attractive enough to get them to come to me, and of course also for the practical aspects like them being tied to their husband so I don't have to date them or spend holidays with them.

Knowing I won't have to launch into a big old monogamous relationship with them, in a way allows me to open up more. It's safer.

This evening driving home from work the horizon was filled with hazy smoke in every direction, from the wildfire in Palm Springs. The sunset was glowing bright red and huge, bigger and redder than any sunset I've ever seen, even in photos, due to the refraction from all the smoke in the air. I wondered what the sunsets must look like in Shanghai.

Oops

2006-10-10T12:06:00.000-07:00

I was literally falling asleep when I wrote that last one. I mean like, I'd wake up and see that I had switched topics midsentence. So if I'm not my usual Nobel-deserving effervescent writin' self, now you know why.

Rumble

2006-10-10T02:02:00.000-07:00

I was committed to having a normal hobby and investing in the family, but now that my wife has ruined that for me, I think I'm going to go all the way back to cheating on her.

If I go through with it, it will be different this time. I'm going to have to be as careful as possible, no more lackadaisical flying by the seat of my pants. Every single thing I do is watched and investigated so I'll have to keep everything 100% locked down and under control.

Also, before it was about having fun, falling in love, and in a way, searching for a better match. But now it will be about two things, either crazy sex, or money. Nothing else.

I say "if." In the back of my head I feel like it's not "if," it's "when."

At my new job I'm surrounded by all these fucked up MILFs, fucked up women in their 30's, and teens/20-somethings who have been, and are being, fucked up by their fucked up parents and surroundings.

I've noticed myself already analyzing, weighing out, probing, developing.

There's a quarter-Puerto Rican chick , 30-ish, 5'4" maybe, skinny, very cute face that somehow unfortunately resembles Michael Jackson, no self esteem whatsoever, fake tits for god knows what reason. I feel sorry for her; she used to be with this total obvious piece of shit guy who is completely full of shit. I can't believe someone that hot would get with such a dirtbag.

Just Saturday night at a party where I literally didn't even try to meet anyone, I connected with four for-sure hookups, and spotted a few more potentials

As an example of a potential hookup, there's the aforementioned dirtbag's current girlfriend - one of them. He's cheating on her with at least one girl, and I totally feel scorn for him, for being that way. Shut the fuck up, I don't even want to hear anyone's shit about how I'm just as bad. It's different. He's doing it for different reasons.

Anyway his girlfriend is Colombian and amazingly hot, I mean she should be (if she isn't already, in Colombia and Mexico or wherever) in movies. I could upstage him since I speak Spanish, and right in front of her, warn her about him cheating on her, explaining that I have no stake in the game and don't even know her, and so on. Once she dumped him, I could track her down.

Then I met this Thai chick who is a little younger than me, very cute, and very wealthy. She moved here alone, to the Orange County counterpart of Bel Air, inside the Orange County counterpart of Beverly Hills. She's loaded beyond imagination. I know where she lives; f you add up the total amount of money most people will make over the course of their entire lives, her house cost more than that.

I asked her about where to get good Thai food and she mentioned she likes to go to a place in L.A., but she couldn't remember the name. I asked, "The Palms?" Her face lit up. I explained that a Thai friend of mine had said it was the best Thai place in Southern California, though I had never been there. I said we should go sometime, and when she agreed, I asked whether her husband would mind. She explained that she's not married; she used to be a model in Thailand, then got into business, and finally moved here because "In Thailand, movie make United State seem everything perfect." I even asked whether she moved her with anyone else, since maybe she moved her with her parents or sibling(s) or an ex-husband. She said, "No. One." and held up one finger.

I took her picture and she gave me her email address to send it there. When she was away for a moment, I asked her friend, an older Thai woman, "If I ask her for her phone number, will she mind?"
"No. I give you."
"Are you sure it's ok?"
"No problem. I give you."
She opens up her cell phone and scrolls to it, holding it so I can copy it down. "You have pen?"
Needless to say, I found a pen.

Funnily enough, 5 minutes later I again pulled the older woman aside and said "Are you sure it's ok if I just call her?"
"No, it fine. I already tell her."
"You already tell her what?!"
"I tell her I give you."
"You told her you gave me her phone number?"
"Yes, no problem."

Fuck! Why is this lady so intent on greasing the skids? Well, who cares, that's a hookup.

I waited Sunday and Monday; I'll call her tomorrow. If my wife's working I'll take this chick to dinner. Maybe I will anyway.

I would totally fuck her for money. I can already tell in the back of my head how I'll play it. She's no dummy. She's probably been around gigolos before, and I don't mean male escorts, I mean male golddiggers.

I'll probably need to very-convincingly play like I have no interest in money, my own nor anyone else's, and I'll mix in a huge dose of "I pay for everything; it's a pride thing for me." Once she sees me not milking her, she'll cut loose. If I really work it, I bet I could get her to buy me some really nice shit.

But I don't know that I want to.

I want the shit, I just don't want to take from her. Even if she's super wealthy, in a way it's off-putting.

Honestly, the same thing is true for sex. She totally dug me and theoretically might be a blast in bed. But I don't want to hurt her feelings. Hell, even a little asian mole near her cleavage kinda bugged me.

Speaking of such things, there's this girl I'm connected to through work. She's 20 or so, very hot, and looks strikingly (even in stature and body) like the 21 year old of days gone by. Her mom is not hot, and is too big in the body region for me, but she's a very high ranking executive at a very large and very famous corporation. Talk about money, this woman is rolling in it. Anyway I told the mom that I could see from whence her daughter got her good looks. She said, "She doesn't look anything like me. Have you seen her father? She gets her looks from him." I allowed that I hadn't seen him, and she explained that he was across the room with his girlfriend, and that I should spill my drink on him.

I feigned pleasant surprise that she was single, and said that if she needs a stepfather for her daughter, "let me know." She immediately called me on it, saying, "I think you mean, if my daughter needs a boyfriend." I scoffed and said I was too old for her daughter, asking the girl's age. When she told me (I can't remember, not that it matters), I said "See? Way too young for me. I can't be any less than 2 years younger than you."

She informed me I was very charming but trying to be a big flatterer. I stuck to my guns, saying I was 36 and that's why her daughter is way too young for me, and that I thought she (the mom) had to be 38 or so. "Why, how old are you?"
"50!"
When I asked her incredulously, "You're not 38 or 40?" she said, "Actually I'm 52."
We flirted some more, but, I bet with a very very minor effort, I could turn that into a cash cow for me. I'm going to call her under some pretense tomorrow, but really a double pretense. I'm going to make it look like I'm calling about one thing but using it as an excuse to talk to her. In reality that whole situation is planned and the goal is to get her to treat me like a sugar mama.

My friend told me his dad died a year ago, and that before he died, his dad said he should do what he wants to be doing, with his life. "You're always saving for that rainy day and it never comes."

In my case it probably will come and I won't have saved up for an umbrella. But if I'm lucky I'll have a safe place, like one of my girls' place.

Updates - full circle

2006-09-24T04:55:00.000-07:00

I've had a bunch of changes of course, over the past several months. I haven't gotten around to writing, though.

· Got 22 year old
· who turned out to be 20
· Lost her
· Didn't really want her anyhow

· Day after we broke up, my Mexican mistress stopped talking to me
· She's pregnant by some 26 year old Mexican guy
· Who already has 2 other illegitimate kids
· But she just recently called me and apologized.
· It was the hormones.
· We met and went to dinner
· Now more than ever I pity her.

· Wife caught me being friends with two of my girls I don't fuck
· had to fire them.
· Now I miss being friends with them.

· Got new high paying kickback job
· where I don't even have to really work
· but am surrounded by O.C. girls and MILFs who are super hot
· and dumb
· but I'm not fucking any of them
· Or even trying to
· But I feel like I should be.
· Worried I'll have regrets when I'm older that I didn't get more women when I could

· By the way, it's official: I now trust no-one.

· Found a great new healthy hobby
· Actually enjoyed something for the first time in years
· Started attending marriage counseling with wife
· For once, didn't want to chase girls
· Wanted to spend time with my family and my hobby
· Wife destroyed my hobby and all pleasure I took from it

· That was really the last straw
· I really can't get my hopes up any more for enjoying anything
· Now I'm wondering what to do with myself.

· Thought about it for a while
· Decided I'm best off chasing girls again.
· It's what I'm good at.

Back to square one.

2006-09-24T04:53:00.000-07:00

The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness.

- Friedrich Nietzsche

Waiting / Room

2006-07-31T01:23:00.000-07:00

About that chick; I have mixed feelings about that type of girls' thing about verbal humiliation in bed. On the one hand it's fun because:

they're looking for it
and not a lot of guys are actually good at dirty talk, so it's nice to be the wilder and more exciting lover
it scratches the girl's itch
it's fun

It's great because most guys are sitting there fantasizing about the usual stuff like getting their chick to have a threesome or anal sex or swallow or whatever the usuals are, whereas I'm in her house or the hooker motel indulging my every whim while I call them a dirty slut or a fucking whore. Then I punish them for it, like order them kneel while I slap their face or tits several times, whip their pussy with a belt, or whatever. Then I reward them for doing a good job at taking their punishment, by making them do something else. Then I get to punish them for it! And so on.

Anyway on the one hand they have orgasms, they tell me they dig it, they call me and ask for more, and so on. It's fun if it gets a girl off that I'm using one of her orifices while telling her "This is what you're good for," but at the same time, is that what I want her to believe? I feel as though I'm giving the heroin to the junkie: yeah it's pleasing to them, but is it truly good for them or is it hurting them?

And yet, when they tell me they know it's just a game, I have to think, well, this is an adult, and they seemed to keep it in the bedroom completely.

Something over nothing

2006-07-31T01:02:00.000-07:00

I guess it's better to post something rather than not-post a big post I've got brewing in my head.

The past several months have been tumultuous. Getting girls, losing them, lots of big changes in my knowledge and I've learned some big things about life and so on. I've made some good progress in how I do things. Despite being suicidal 90% of the time, I'm having a good time in a way. It's interesting and occasionally exciting.

I started going to therapy 2-3 months ago and am learning a lot from it. He's a therapist, not a doctor, but before I found him, the first guy I tried was a psychiatrist and it went like this:

I went into the office and started to fill out the clipboard. Before I was halfway done, the psychiatrist came out, looking like a cross between Lurch and an undertaker, zero warmth, which made me feel like he thought all the people in the waiting room were psychos. He ushered me into his office and told me to finish the clipboard later, speaking gently in measured tones, avoiding any contractions such as "here's" or "I've," as if he had to be very careful about what he said and how he said it to avoid triggering my violent psychosis.

His office was the usual dark wood and leather you imagine for high-end shrinks, and he asked me a series of maybe 20 questions, and wrote down my responses. Why are you here? Why do you believe you're depressed? Etc.

When I'd answer, after a moment he'd interrupt by moving onto the next question. Oh-kayyyyy...

It took maybe 5 minutes tops, if that. When he was done he paused and said "I've diagnosed you as depressed and here is how I arrived at that diagnosis: "

He then proceeded to read his notes and repeated back to me what I had told him!

He then wrote me a prescription for an anti-depressant. He said it may affect my libido. Uh, hello, were you even listening? Ladies man here!

Anyway, I asked, "What about therapy?"

This fucking guy told me, "Let's hold off on that until we try the medication for a month and see how that works out," and began to usher me out. I saw his Lexus keys on the hardwood bookshelf next to the door.

In the waiting room he took the next patient and I resumed filling out the clipboard. After the exact interval of time that my sit-down with him took, he reappeared with the next patient, who had her prescription in hand, and she began completing her unfinished clipboard. Amazing! The guy is a total pill-pusher. Hold off on therapy, and just treat the symptom? What a piece of shit this guy is.

I was still tempted to come back, though, because this other chick in the waiting room was smoking hot.

the story ended so nicely like that, but here are the details for those who want them:
She looked like a total idiot, not making fun of her, just saying, she looked not very intelligent. She was very stylish, though, in her classy trash way, with a little white ivy cap on, a fluffy white jacket, bleach blonde hair, a very beautiful face with way took much makeup, hip-hop style jewelry, $300 jeans, expensive purse nails bracelets rings, too skinny (not a turn-on, ladies), fake tan, with big fake tits (again, not a turn-on, but it does mean good things if I'm looking for an easy girl with low self-esteem). She's the kind of girl who tells you she likes being called a slut and a whore, in bed.

2006-07-31T01:00:00.000-07:00

The mother of excess is not joy but joylessness.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Let's try again

2006-05-12T22:06:00.000-07:00

It's nice knowing there are people out there who read this, even after all that time with no posts. Thanks to you folks who sent your support.

So, I got the girl, the 21/22/23 year old. The deal with the age was that she had to lie and say she was 18 when she signed up for all these sex personals sites. So she's 21 now.

Anyway, I got her, and lost her. And got her back. Now she's back and I'm trying to be smart about it.

Loyal readers may remember I gave up the Mexican girl, my mistress, early last year, with two brief encounters but no other contact. Well, I got her back partway over the past few months, and just over the past few weeks, I'm pretty sure she's mine for the taking. But I'm not taking her. Amazing, huh?

I got the Domme as a good friend, lost her, got her back as a good friend, and lost her again. I'm waiting a while before I go after her again.

I also lost another friend, the girl who fucked the dog, but got her back, as a friend. I told her I want to only be friends. It feels better than ever right now.

I've got another couple girls on my workspace right now as well. One is a super-hippie-vegan girl of latin descent who is 27 and SUPER cute, and a single mom of a 3-1/2 yaer old.

The other is a hot Mexican American chick who is 39 but looks early 30's. She's fun and would get together with me despite having a boyfriend (he's 27. Good for her!), but for some reason I have zero attraction to her. On the phone we just don't connect so she seems almost like a dingbat, which she's not at all.

So far I'm keeping the vegan chick purely as friends and it feels good. She wanted to bone right off the bat but I just couldn't bring myself to. She's too angelic. She saw I on my profile on a personals page, that one of my Groups had to do with "submissive and slave girls group." I had figured that would be a place to meet kinky chicks of course, but I am WAY not into identifying with it as a "lifestyle." Being into BDSM anyplace outside the bedroom is like being into Dungeons and Dragons or vampires or gothic stuff - NOT cool when you're over the age of like 22 or so. Anyway she asked me, "I saw you belong to" (that group). "Could you help me to understand why?" Please. I like to fuck girls who get off on me taking charge and doing whatever the fuck I want to them. But she is so full of love and health and good and positivity that she'd never understand that. So I said I'm into the fashion, like girls who are into doing Bettie Page-style photo shoots.

In a way I want to be done with all the lies and fucking around but I feel like it's my lot in life. So I'm starting another chase. Isn't that fucked up?

I was talking to the girl who fucked the dog last week. She has a boyfriend way up North who - to my mind - is clearly cheating on her but she can't see it. She met him on the same BDSM personals site I met her on. He sets up these gangbangs, then comes down to L.A. and he and other guys fuck her while he takes pictures.

He claims he's living with his ex-g.f. who he's going to marry so he can become an American citizen. But I'm positive he's in a real relationship with that chick. He claims he and his fake fiancee are moving to L.A. and is going to be in a committed relationship with my friend (dogfucker), but I'm sure it won't happen.

She was asking about my booty-call situation and found out to her surprise I'm not fucking anyone at all right now. We had a big talk about it. See, I don't know how to get a booty-call girl, or how to keep one. All I know how to do is make girls fall in love with me, and make myself fall in love with them. There are fleeting highs but it's mostly tons of heartbreak and heartache.

Anyway she asked why I don't hit up some of these girls on the BDSM sites and get myself a booty call chick without all the complication. I told her how I never
wanted to hit up any of my top choices because there isn't an unlimited supply of hot kinky girls who are really good looking on those sites. I never want to try because I don't want to strike out. Because, I know I could get most of those girls to go for me if I were in person and in regular charming form. But it sucks that online it's hard to really shine, when you have to hit someone up out of the blue and don't have all these things around you to make jokes about or comment about or riff on, nor can you gauge their reaction and fine tune things and make adjustments in realtime. I hate the idea that someone I COULD have gotten, thinks I'm a dork, just because the internet came between us.

But I realized, if I don't hit anyone up, I'll never get anywhere. So I decided to hit up this one chick I've been lusting after online for three years now - another girl who lied about her age to register for a bunch of sex sites - and had never contacted, well, I was pretty disappointed to see she hadn't been on this one BDSM site for almost a year. Fuck. The chili spoiled in the bottle before I even opened it. But that's what happens when you pass on a perfectly good opportunity.

Then I noticed she had logged on recently to another sex personals site within the past month. Yes!!

I was going to hit her up but realized, I'm 36, and I think her profile used to say that about 27 was her limit, a year ago. Maybe 28 could fly. But once you put in your age on that site, it's locked in.

Luckily for me I already had two accounts on that site; one truthful one, and one that claims I'm 28. I started to rewrite that profile but I just absolutely suck at online profiles. If I try, whatever comes out of my brain is crap, and if I don't try, it's crap.

Basically, I rule, though. I'll admit that. You see, two days ago I tried putting her email address into my Messenger and lo and behold, the next morning it showed she had allowed me to Add her. Yes!!

Without ever chatting with her, today she sent me one of those sex survey websites. Her score came up as fairly kinky. I emailed her back with what I hope was a wise move. This should be good. I can feel it starting already.

I also found a way - damn I'm good - to correlate her email address with her Myspace. And I found her Myspace. It says she's 19. Doh!

What's strange is, no-one has left any comments on her Myspace for like a year. And she only has 23 Friends. Yet she logged in just a few days ago.

It's as if she has no real friends. In some of her pics she looks playful but in others she looks tightlipped and closed off. I guess that makes sense though - she's been on those online sex sites for at least since she was 16, so I imagine pretty much any girl doing that, has been molested and has a reason to be closed off.

Long time no see

2006-04-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

Holy crap, has it really been 7 months since I've posted?

A lot has changed. But I was sorting some porn the other day to save disk space (when I find a duplicate file I delete one) and found this:

Wow. I downloaded the same file on the same date, one year prior. Out of all the milions of files I have, and all the thousands (approx. 3,700) days of porn harvesting.

I'm not sure whether I should start posting again. Even if I should, it's hard to. Some things have been really up but something things are really down. I have some adventures and some really crazy sex but I feel like if I start writing without telling it all, I'm doing it a disservice. Then again, maybe something is better than nothing.

I got that 21-year old. She turned out to be 20, not 22 - she lied about her age so she could have a profile on internet sex meetup sites. We've been dating since September or October - I guess that's why I stopped posting; I got busy and got a job and got really involved with this chick. I had to maintain normal hours again and I had to be away from home so I could talk on the phone to her in private.

In a way she's exactly like my first girlfriend, so many years ago. Same ways, same history, even the same idiosyncrasies, including those of her family. Even about the same age I guess.

It's funny, I'm torn between acting naturally - which is how I was with my first g.f. - and using everything I've learned over the past 15 years. When I fuck up by giving in to my impulses, at least I know beforehand "I think I'm about to fuck up." Sometimes I'm able to control it.

The interesting thing is how easily it is to manipulate her mind. If I knew back then what I knew now... man.

It's really kind of a crazy situation: she has a boyfriend who she loves but isn't in love with, and she can't break up with him. Partially because she loves him and, in my opinion, can't stand being alone, but partially because he caught her cheating on him (with me) and she doesn't want to get exposed to all their friends as a cheater.

Her parents and her sister all adore me and keep telling her she's making the wrong choice of guys; that she should date me. Her dad gave me both his and her mother's blessings to marry this girl, but that he made her promise to wait 4-5 years before getting hitched.

She's really an amazing person. Some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth is so deep and so poetic it just blows me away, or even other people when I repeat what she's said. In some ways she makes me feel awesome, but sometimes she is incredibly rude and hurtful and selfish.

But it all comes down to me figuring out that I'm only interested in girls who are a challenge - more specifically, girls who don't love me and/or can't love me. When I meet a girl who's does love me, and is wonderful and sweet and innocent, no matter how cute she is I can't see her as sexually interesting. I see her as a child almost, or a grandmother, someone who is totally nice and who you don't consider a sexual being. If I were to sleep with her I'd feel like I were molesting her. Or, I couldn't take her seriously, if you know what I mean. And I'd feel pervy just being my regular self who prefers to be in charge and be kind of domineering. So I find girls who I have to chase, to try to squeeze the love out of them.

Problem is, I feel neither type of girl can fulfill all my needs if I keep being this way.

I've been seeing a therapist and he's really helped me learn a lot. He's the kind of therapist I needed: a guy who is in his mid or late 50's, has been around the block. He says "fuck" and "shit" and so on, thank god. He's not some stuffed shirt type.

He's also very practical and realistic. He's had his ups and downs; didn't go straight from high school to college to work without really struggling. His dad died when he was like 11, Mom died when he was 16, and his stepdad immediately kicked him out of the house. He had to make it on his own, first selling drugs, then working his way through college. So, I feel like I can talk to him more than I could some robotic, distant guy wearing a suit and tie.

One of my goals is to be a more "integrated" person who can have one woman who I can trust, feel safe talking about my emotions to, who I can be attracted to, and so on.

Other than that, I have a couple new girls, plus I've gotten back in touch with two of my previous girls. I'll write more about them I guess. I guess posting isn't so hard after all.

Stealing Home

2005-09-21T03:36:00.000-07:00

Ages since I really posted, feels like. So much to say but so hard to get started.

I'm 35. Lately more than one girl has told me they thought I was 27 or 28. I'm going to use this to my advantage as much as possible as long as I can.

I went to the office supply store the other day and there was a cute girl behind the office services counter. Slender, maybe 115 lbs, 5'7", only cuter. I gave her the eye and she gave it back. I think she was so young and inexperienced that she didn't even realize that she had let on that she found me attractive. She sauntered over casually and I did my "I'm so shy because you're so beautiful that it makes me tongue-tied" thing. She blushed and was really cute about the whole thing. I cracked some pretty good jokes and made her laugh, then let her catch me looking at her for just a moment, then I'd look away. I'm going to draw her portrait, then bring it in and give it to her, saying that I thought she was really beautiful and that I don't want to seem weird or anything but that I just had to draw her picture, and so, um, what's your name? I guarantee you nobody has done anything like that for her ever before. She'll be thinking about me the rest of the day, and in the car on the way home. I'm pretty sure I won't even ask for her number, I'll just say "Seeya." She'll be dying to know when I'm coming back. I'll have to get my brain back in shape and out of this fog, so I can make myself hold out til just the right number of days before coming back in.

Don't worry, honey - it'll be a roller coaster ride, but when it's all said and done, when you weigh out the pleasure and pain, you'll be glad you went for a ride. They always are.

I pulled that 22 year old chick. I knew I would, I just doubted myself. I shouldn't doubt myself.

I got my professional photographer friend to collaborate with me and I made her a pretty involved art project, then sent it to her work, folded into an envelope around a CD I thought she might like.

Needless to say she was surprised, flattered and ecstatic. And she loves the music. Now she has given me her cell phone and turns on her webcam to show me her room and so on. We're going to meet on October first, at a famous L.A. nightclub. Her male roomate's band will be playing there.

I tell you what, though. She's a slippery one. She plays hard to get and expresses very little interest in me, or in talking about herself much either. I feel lured in and because my mental state is weakened due to being in hermit mode the past 9 months, I have a hard time running game corrrectly. Still, I know I'll persevere. My goal is a kiss. Though, as I was just typing that, I decided I wanted more than that. I want one kiss, and her heart.

Where Oh Where

2005-08-31T03:04:00.000-07:00

Where do I start?

Well, tonight I somehow surfed across a prostitution site, oh sorry, I meant "Escort Site". It featured some porn stars, and some of them had Yahoo or Hotmail address for contacting them, so I added them to my buddy list. Sometimes I chat them up, it's interesting to me.

I noticed Gabrielle Banks on there. Here's a picture of her from a couple years ago. She looks in ok condition at this point:

Now check her out:

I guess coke or speed will do that to you.

2005-08-22T02:11:00.000-07:00

Whenever I have a big task ahead of me I tend to balk at starting. Even if it's something fun I put it off. I'm always sidetracking myself.

Remember that addiction specialist I wrote to, asking for help? The one who is listed on the A&E channel's website for the show 'Intervention'? She never wrote back. How professional is that, to have a webpage where the email address doesn't even work, and then when I got her webmaster to fix it, she didn't even write back a "Sorry, can't help you" or "I received your email and will respond later" or "Can't talk now - write me back later." What a crock. There's a code of ethics for doctors, but apparently not a code of business ethics. What a flake.

My wife and I watched Intervention tonight. It was a follow-up episode where they showed what happened a year later, to some of the people who had been on the show earlier. It was great seeing the crack addicts have their shit together a year later. Then there was this one guy, a compulsive gambler, who I just knew would be on the show and who I knew would have failed.

He was a child prodigy, IQ of 156, graduated UCLA at age 14, taught molecular biology at I think UCLA, after that. As a teenager! It showed clips of him from back then; man what a dork. Bad haircut, and he has one to this day. During the episode with his intervention he was a MANIAC, I mean a complete raving nutter. Screaming, whining, manipulating...

Unfortunately he reminded me of me. I could see all these negative traits we share. So unlike almost all of the audience watching that show, I know what was going on in his mind. And seeing him being such a piece of shit reminds me that I must be just as much of a piece of crap.

Sure enough, a year later, he had failed. Since I too was a prodigy, and because I'm a lot like him, it was easy for me to see when he was being manipulative, even when it was probably invisible to the audience.

It really makes me wonder whether I can turn it around. I suspect I can, because I have before, kind of. I just need a system, and probably some medication.

I found some guy with a blog, ahh fuck I'll write more on this later. I'm beat.

It Stresses Me Out To Have To Think Up Titles For My Posts

2005-08-21T10:56:00.000-07:00

I'm sick so I won't write too much right now, plus I am going to try to be productive today, but,

First off a friend of mine I met online, I met him face to face for the first time, and his girlfriend, about 4 weeks ago. She's 23, cute, very smart, a scientist. He's 35, works as an audio/video guy for a tech company.

She was not really my type. Face didn't do it for me, but would for some I guess. Boobs didn't do it for me, they were B-cups with no enthusiasm. Neither did her ass, not enough bump in the rump.

Anyway she lives down here and he lives in northern California so they don't see each other much. I noticed they weren't very demonstrative at all, when the three of us were together.

Anyway after 3 weeks or so, he told me to message her on instant messenger; she wanted to talk to me or say hi or ask me a question or something. I flirted a little, of course. The subtle (and some not so subtle) compliments, and so on. Within a few days she was really opening up to me, the next day, commenting on the things her boyfriend (my friend) does wrong. Now she wants to hang out. What's that about? She knows I have a wife and kid.

2005-08-21T02:55:00.000-07:00

So much more to type... but so tired, shouldn't push myself to stay up. Will write more tomorrow.

Some early warning signs and symptoms of psychosis are:

Changes in thinking: Difficulty in concentrating, poor memory, preoccupation with odd ideas, increased suspiciousness.
Changes in mood: Lack of emotional response, rapid mood changes, inappropriate moods.
Changes in behaviour: Odd or unusual behaviour.
Physical changes: Sleep disturbances or excessive sleep and loss of energy.
Social changes: Withdrawal and isolation from family and friends.
Changes in functioning: Decline in school or work performance.

Remember: none of these symptoms by themselves indicate the presence of schizophrenia or another mental illness. But if they are severe, persistent or recurrent, professional help should be sought as soon as possible.

Life is what you make it

2005-08-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

I feel like my whole life is a fucking struggle with very little pleasure or reward. Always has been. Oh sure there are millions of people dying of starvation and other stuff all day every day but it doesn't change the fact that I'm unhappy. I can count the times I've felt happy overall, in my life.

My wife is fucking unbelievable. Every day I wake up acting happy and nice toward her and she opens her eyes and starts yelling or bitching at me for one thing or another. Mentally I say "Fuck it! I'm outta here." I go either do my projects or get on the computer or just leave to do something elsewhere. She claims she yells at me because I'm always doing the above things but it's total bullshit. I can take her wherever she wants, or stay home all day off the computer and being attentive, and no matter she'll still act like a total bitch. Sometimes she apologizes later and says she's a horrible wife and so on, but that doesn't make me feel any different. I just say "Ok. Thanks, love you" and think, "Yeah right, I'm just waiting until you do it again tomorrow."

She constantly takes the wind out of my sails and saps away all motivation I have to do anything. Finally when I can barely pick my head up she decides she was wrong and that I should go do what I wanted to in the first place. Yeah, right. Like I have the strength to even go outside after that. She won't rest until I'm her bitch, basically.

That Armenian chick my friend is screwing, tells him "A man shouldn't eat the same meal the rest of his life. Men need variety." She's talking about staying faithful. I swear to god my friend is demented for not marrying her.

My first real girlfriend

2005-08-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

My first girlfriend and I started when she and I were 13 and 15. She was a beautiful Arabic girl who had been molested by her father, his brother, and their father. Her smile was so bright that it made you want to see it again and again, so much so that it turned people into addicts and codependents. It just made you feel so goddamn good to see those brilliant, even, white teeth, those cheeks, and those twinkling eyes. One time we were walking in the city and found an ice cream supply business, a place that sells large quantities of ice cream and popsicles to ice cream trucks. It was a hot day, and we asked whether we could buy one item, not a whole box. The heavily accented proprietor was so smitten by her beauty and felt such a rush just looking at her, that he laughed, a real belly laugh. "HO ho ho! You are SO BEAUTIFUL! Ha ha ha!!"

Her father wanted her to date no-one, of course - and especially me, a non-Arab. He was mad with jealousy and possessiveness. She'd sneak out of the house and get in trouble, over and over.

Peter Jennings

2005-08-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

i should request a nuclear missile stike to destroy People Magazine. Cover headline says:

BRAVE LAST DAYS
Family and friends remember the anchorman's life and his valiant battle with lung cancer

Brave? Valiant?
er... how brave and strong was he to be a lifelong smoker?
Took real grit to do that
He's a regular Lance Armstrong

Maybe it should say "Smoker Dies of... Lung Cancer? Who Knew?!"

Double Play

2005-08-11T02:02:00.000-07:00

What's it been, 7 months? Since I mentioned the cute Thai waitress I miss from that local restaurant. Well, my wife's friend came over for sushi tonight. I went to pick it up. No wedding ring.

At the sushi joint was that same cute Thai waitress, and another, even cuter one of unknown ethnicity who I had seen and flirted with before when I picked up solo one time with no ring.

I asked the Thai one, "Didn't you used to work at ______ ?" She was surprised I remembered her; apparently it's been like two years. I turned on my serial killer charm and charming criminal smile and told her, "How could you expect me to forget you?" She blushed deeply and that easily, boom, done. Got her. Or should I say, she got me. Or so she thinks.

Most guys pride themselves on getting digits. That's not enough for me. I'm on a level so advanced, I make them offer ME their phone numbers. They don't even know I'm controlling the game from above.

I told her she had changed her hair since it didn't flip out at the ends any more, but that it looked nice this way too. She didn't say anything, just blushed even more furiously. Just figured it couldn't hurt if I locked it in even more firmly. Sometimes I impress even myself.

testing 123

So anyway the other waitress of course saw me chatting up the Thai one and making headway, so it made me even more desirable to her. When the Thai one disappeared into the back I approached the cuter waitress and gave her a bit of the "I haven't seen you here lately, I was looking for you" coupled with my raised eyebrow, innocent-schoolboy-getting-into-mischief-and-am-I-caught?, aka angel-with-halo-caught-in-my-horns, smile. It was a perfect lay-up to the net, and she caught and returned the ball with "You should have called me, " with the same smile. I played totally innocent, which made me even more irresistible: "Why would I know your phone number?" [shrug]. She blushed and scribbled it on an empty ticket. Perfect alley-oop into the net! The crowd goes wild. I really am a god damn sight to behold when I'm in action.

ATTENTION FEMALE EARTH HUMANS

RESISTANCE IS USELESS!

I stumbled across this guy's blog. He thinks he's really duplicitous. Here's a quote:

"I do a lot of work with young people. It is a very rewarding experience and the teenage boys are always amazed to discover just how much I dated. I tell them I was single for a great many years, which is true to some extent. I just leave out the fact that I was very promiscuous. Again--this is a study in duplicity, yah?"

You call that duplicity?? To me that's no different than answering "No" when one gets asked "Honey, does this dress make my ass look fat?" I'm not putting him down or glorifying my own multiple lives but boy does it feel like much ado about nothing to me, reading that. I'm the one with fake driver's licenses with matching fake car registration to stick in the glovebox in case a date girl goes rummaging around in my glove compartment when I'm in the liquor store or something; a second license plate to keep them from doing a background check on me, untraceable cell phone and a reason why they can't come over to my house, all that.

I've got my relationship with my wife, and my relationship with my friends where I tell a couple of them a little about my relationship with my wife and they know I'm something of a ladies' man; then another, different relationship with each of my side girls. One of them is a romance thing, another is a kindred spirits thing, another is a sex thing where she wants me to be domineering and drag her into the car or a motel or her home and pull her pants down and her shirt up and do whatever the hell I want with her. The hornier I am and the more voracious my appetite for her body, especially when I just tear her clothes off and gorge myself, the wetter she gets and the harder she comes.

But, I don't have much of an appetite any more. Not lately. Not for a great long while. I'm going to see whether I can stop taking care of business on my own and whether it makes me hornier. After as many orgasms a day as I'm used to, I bet I start getting wood left and right like an embarrassed schoolboy.

Anyway for the record I didn't want those girls' phone numbers. I just couldn't not get them. Like walking past a low-hanging sign and not reaching up and high-fiving it to see whether you can touch it. C'mon - you know you have to.

Besides -
They offered them to me.

.

Million Megs of Porn

2005-08-10T14:34:00.000-07:00

I had sex with my wife for the first time in 2-1/2 years last night. Not straight intercourse, just oral. Basically we were laying in bed watching TV and she decided she wanted to get something started. I didn't want to but I knew there would be big repercussions if I rejected her once again. So I went along with it.

To be honest it really made me feel gross. I just am not comfortable with her sexually, not at all any more. My brain was going a mile a minute trying to call up something that turned me on, and I finally settled on this one part of a movie I have of Bridget Powerz, aka Bridget the Midget. She's a dwarf and a now ex-porn star. She doesn't have the usual facial features of a dwarf - the wideset eyes, the bulging forehead, the broad nose, etc. She has the face of an absolute angel, a truly classic beauty. Carve it in white marble or onyx and it would be another Venus de Milo. But then, the same could be said about so many women's faces.

After my wife got off I went downstairs to the computer and watched the scene I had been imagining. I am under the impression Bridget lives either locally or in Florida now, not sure which. I keep wondering what she does for money if she's not in porn any more. Does she still strip? Does she turn tricks? Does she get ongoing money from being in a couple of major motion pictures (S.W.A.T. and a couple others)? What's she like? Could I meet her and become friends and get some casual sex from her? Is she all diseased up?

I did my award-deserving internet research and got some info on her, and on the guy who runs her website. As long as I was in there I grabbed all the pictures of her that were in his private folder on his hard drive. Oops! Thank-youuuuuuu! I got addresses, phone numbers, what other things he's had his hands in, etc. I could befriend this guy, then get to her, through him.

This is how my mind works. Fuck.

Sometimes I use my powers and then act on these things, like I did with the Domme or with the chick who fucked the dog, but other times I just fantasize about it and never get around to it.I'm glad I usually don't, but I also usually don't get around to doing what I want, either, like getting back to making tons of money again or doing projects or getting help or enjoying life.

Naturally all the information I gathered on Bridget went into my folder for her, which is relatively small since there's not a lot of porn out there with her in it - I "only" have 715 pictures and movies. Other folders for stars who have done more work, like Taylor Rain for example, contain 10 times as much data - about 7,100 pictures and movies. Just on that one star. In total, I now have about 1,000,000 megabytes of porn - a terabyte. It's filed in about 2,500 folders. Well, partially filed. Half of it needs to be sorted and filed. I guess I'll do it later. That seems to be my motto. Ugh.

Something To Remember You By

2005-08-09T16:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'm so forgetful I can barely function. It's like I have Alzheimer's. Been that way all my life; when I space out I forget the overall context I'm operating in. Like, imagine if I were an alcoholic and decided to quit drinking, did a whole bunch of thinking and planning about it. The next morning, I'd wake up and start drinking and not even remember that I was supposed to have turned over a new leaf. Two or three days later I'd go "Oh yeah! Shit I totally forgot I wasn't supposed to be drinkin'!"

That same thing happens to me every day. I make all sorts of plans and decisions and promptly forget all about them. I made a To Do list and was all jazzed about getting going on some stuff I had to do and other stuff I wanted to do. That was 8 days ago and I just now remembered it. Fuck.

A Friend Indeed

2005-08-09T03:46:00.000-07:00

My friend has been screwing this Armenian chick. He lives in Northern California and is my oldest friend who I'm still in contact with. I have talked to him literally almost every day on instant messenger and email for the past 20 years (yep, we had all-text instant messaging and emails in the pre-internet era). I guess he's my best friend even though we don't get along that well. I know I can trust him with certain things, like if I had a vault full of gold, jewels, and money, and gave him the key, I bet he wouldn't take a dime, not in a hundred years. But he's grumpy as hell, very negative, very quiet, and totally uptight, always has been. His dad is a raging alcoholic and I'm sure that's mostly why. He says things like the other day he was taking a back road and saw his dad's car parked by the side of the road with his dad in it, asleep. He tried to wake his dad up but couldn't, since he was passed out and reeking of alcohol. Or last month when his dad was standing there in his house and just fell over onto the ground, then tried to play it off by propping himself up against the wall and acting like "Oh, this is a comfortable place to kick back."

I see him once a year at most because we're both always working or just don't feel like making the trek to each other's part of the state.

Anyway, he's never done well womenwise his whole life; never really found a girl he clicked with where it went both ways. His last girlfriend, her mom was married three times and each of the three husbands ended up leaving her for gay men. That same girlfriend cheated on her old fiance with my buddy, eventually leaving to move in with him. Then she started cheating on my buddy - he didn't know it or admit it, but there was a reason she was at work til 3 AM - so he proposed marriage. Then she left him for the guy she was cheating with. Talk about repeating patterns.

He's been dating internet chicks here and there but says it's a total bust. Anyway, he's been screwing this Armenian chick who he just totally doesn't understand and doesn't even realize it. She has a husband but they're separated. She fucks my friend but has always said she doesn't want a relationship and especially not to get remarried. Me being something of an expert on women, I told him, "Translation: She wants a relationship." He totally didn't get it and claimed I was dead wrong based on what she says being totally contradictory to that. He even told a mutual friend of ours that when we lived near each other (15 years ago) I had zero game. Man oh man is this guy in for a surprise, I thought. Just you wait.

Anyway, sure enough, after two months she starts yelling at him for not saying he misses her when she's away, and starts asking him "Don't you wish I was your girlfriend?", and starts telling him "If you don't want to get serious about me then I'm going back to my husband." I told him, "See?!"

Anyhow, she was going to come down here to L.A. to visit some friends and relatives so he came with, to visit me and a couple other of his friends. My wife and baby and I met up with the two of them last night and had dinner and walked around this real ritzy outdoor shopping area in the city.

First off she's pretty hot. Tall girl, around 5'7"-5'8" but of course wearing small heels so closer to 5'10". Not fat, but a nice big ass and thighs, decent tits. Pretty face in an alert and interesting way. Medium-to-longish dark brown hair, big dark eyes, big juicy lips, and straight & even white teeth.

Second, she's very intelligent and quick-witted, and could hang each step of the way with my humor. We totally clicked and were riffing off each other's jokes. It was all I could do to pay attention to my friend and my wife just to hide from them the instant chemistry between me and the Armenian chick.

The whole night I was staring at her ass as she walked, thinking about what a great lover she must be and how if there were some way we could hook up that she would jump on the chance in a second. Don't even think about doubting me or telling me I'm making an assumption - this is ME here. I know women. She may as well have been wearing a signboard, it was that obvious to me. When you've been studying women as long as I have and spent as much time every day analyzing all the data as I have, the commonalities become very evident. It's like how experienced doctors can recognize illnesses from symptoms, or how psychologists can predict all these things about a person based on them identifying which personality type a person is. The best analogy for my understanding of women is like how an FBI profiler can even predict amazing things like how a serial killer will leave a body near open water or what sort of job the guy probably has.

Anyway, naturally I was wondering how to get her email address, instant messenger name, how to find her on a personals site, and so on. I instantly ran through some scenarios of how to do it. And I was wondering whether she'd take me up on the opportunity or whether she'd rat me out to my friend as a cheater (on my wife) or as a backstabber (to him, since she's sort of "his"). And I was also wondering whether I even really wanted to.

On that last point, it was like, have you ever been looking at something like a slice of pizza when you're not hungry any more, or are even full, and yet, looking at it, you want the good taste so bad you can't even stop yourself from eating it? Even if you don't want to? That's how I feel about her.

And man what I would do to her. I know exactly how to treat a girl like that. My friend is doing a pretty good job but totally by accident - he told her "Ok, fine" when she said she only wanted to have sex and not a real relationship. And when she threatened to go back to her husband if he DIDN'T start a real relationship with her he said "Ok, fine." That works on this type of girl but not anywhere near as much as going back and forth between romance yet pushing her away.

And in bed, mannn oh man, I know exactly what she'd want. Passionate kissing, grabbing her hair and controlling her, taking her over my knee and spanking her, grabbing her hips while we're fucking... it would be a great time. What a wildcat.

Anyway it just served as yet another example of how screwed up I am.

Feedback From Female Friend

2005-08-08T04:35:00.000-07:00

1 Comments:

a female friend said...: The three people not getting back to you could be that it is possible they sense your sexual conquistador nature.

Your recent need to disclose to people is important. Perhaps you are getting ready to free yourself from this problem and all the stress that secrecy can impose - which leads to the need for more release. It's a vicious cycle, isn't it? However, you are not a porn addict - you are a sex addict. Sex addicts are in it for the thrill (the endorphin high of "getting away with it"), the tension release, and add to that a disregard for the negative consequences (the wife finding out, bringing STD's home, etc), then you know you have are indeed a sex addict, and it is NOT easy to stop the destructive behaviors. You might try stopping in a 12-step program for sexual addicts, or going to a therapist who specializes in and understand the difficulty of your problem.

Sex addicts look at the world from a sexual perspective because it is sex that gives them the pleasure and release from the stressors of life. It's possible you don't even know that you appear that way to other people, even through email.

Here is an article about sexual addiction:
http://www.joekort.com/articles18.htm

I enjoy reading your blog sometimes (sometimes it terribly upsetting - mostly becuase I'm a chick), and would enjoy reading about your recovery as well.

Do not stop writing just because friends might read. The disclosure and accountability is important to your eventual recovery.; 7:53 AM

Interesting points. Thanks for writing, too. As far as being a sex addict and not a porn addict, on the one hand, I agree, but on the hand, I disagree: I don't even think I'm a sex addict, I think I'm an anything addict. When I curtail one addiction I just apply my same addictive behavior to the next thing, anything to escape. Even when I was just a child I'd get caught in these mental ruts over anything - reading, listening to records, playing video games, you name it. I'd keep going and going until it was 5 or 6 a.m. and I was about to get up to go to school. I wanted to stop, but couldn't. Strange. I think that thing in my earlier post about Parkinson's drugs that are dopamine agonists, causing compulsions, ties into my A.D.D. : You see, dopamine "helps the brain control motor functions and movement and possibly to perform other functions related to mood. An imbalance or shortage of dopamine can cause brain dysfunction and disease." So, as we saw with the Parkinson's drug, some people whose dopamine balance is juiced up, have compulsive behaviors. And people with A.D.D. have too much natural brain activity. I think it all ties together.

On your other point about "Sex addicts look at the world from a sexual perspective because it is sex that gives them the pleasure and release from the stressors of life. It's possible you don't even know that you appear that way to other people, even through email," well, I know I can appear that way if I'm reckless about hiding it, but when I can keep my thoughts focused enough to hide it, I think I do pretty well.

The pro photographer chick did write back. She was terribly apologetic, and said she sucks at returning phone calls and emails. She also said she has a problem with alcohol and is worried it's getting worse.

The guy I was/am going to trade massive amount of porn with, he wrote back too. He has been out of town on business, not home with his porn collection. He wouldn't care if I did come across as a sex addict; he's an addict too.

And the tall 22 year old chick, she wrote back too, and gave me her phone number.

For the moment, I'm batting 1.000

Yappers

2005-08-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

I was posed a question: "i find real women untouchable if they are bereft of intelligence and/or personality. the last thing i need is to have someone yapping in my ear about reality television and nail polish. how do you get around that?"

That's an interesting one. I'll start back one step. As I said, talking about my addictions to that girlfriend of one of my best friends (not the Armenian girl, another one and another of my closest friends) really clarified things to me, because instead of just knowing a certain overall thing, I really had to simplify things in order to explain them to another person. In so doing, it simplified things for me.

For example, one of the things I told her is how I find that I tend to see women one of two ways:

To love them deeply in a sisterly way, where I no longer can take them seriously as a sexual person. Meaning, like, if they were to try to be alluring to me, instead of it seeming hot and enticing, it would seem more banal and off-putting, as if they were a prepubescent child vamping it up, trying to act like a woman.

And also, if I were to try to act sexual toward them, I'd feel completely corny about it. Since I let them see sort of the "real" me - as I see it, I guess, which is part of the answer, I just realized - then I'd feel like I'm trying to act like some macho men if I were to act sexually toward them the way I do to the other category of girls. And I'm afraid they'll ridicule me for acting like that.
To love them in a romantic way, where I see them and myself as sexual. I feel totally comfortable in my Casanova side where I say gushy romantic stuff and make them swoon, or when I make eyes at them and so on. And I feel comfortable in my Don-Juan-in-the-bedroom role, where I'll have my way with her however I please.

Yet at the same time, I'm not comfortable being the childlike me with these women. I'm afraid they'll ridicule me for showing my immature side.

Anyway, the answer is: with the women who are the reality-show watchers and nailpolish talker-abouters, it only works if

A) they are really hot, by which I mean, sexually, not necessarily lookswise

and B) if they keep their mouth shut.

LOL!

I'm serious though. If the communication is strictly sexual, it's not evident just how incompatible they may be. Your brain fills in the blanks, and/or it just takes what it sees at face value. I'm talking about deep, reverberating, pulsating music in a dark club, where the two of you can dance and show each other how great you'll be in bed. Or making out in the car in the rain, or on the beach at night. No talking, just sexual compatibility.

Boy I'll tell you what, though - I totally agree. That one mistress I've had for the past 1.5 years, the Mexican... I'll have to write the story about that one, and the night we spent on New Year's - our first date - it's straight out of a movie, I swear. It was like being on drugs, it was that surreal.

Anyway, I fell madly in love with her for about 6 weeks I think it was. After that, one day, I fell out of love with her so hard that I wanted to break it off completely. I believe it happened when we were on the phone and she was telling me some story about some people I don't even know. She is extremely intelligent and extremely intuitive - really it's quite spooky, she's that good; it's like ESP - but she was going on and on just doing a massive brain dump of all this extraneous and quite boring information. I could barely understand her as it was, because her sexy accent is so thick, and she was laughing and speaking so rapidly and about so many strangers and about such an uninteresting (to me) anecdote, that I had just no idea what the hell was going on. I began daydreaming and just saying "Uh huh" and "haha" and "Man" and "really?" over and over, while thinking, "Oh my god, I have GOT to get out of this situation."

More to come tomorrow; I just finished roughing out another whole post.

Bad Lands

2005-08-06T02:51:00.000-07:00

"It is perfectly possible for a man to be out of prison, and yet not free - to be under no physical constraint and yet to be a psychological captive"

- Aldous Huxley, Brave New World

Well, somebody left positive feedback:

1 Comments:

Anonymous said...: since you got shitty feedback i will leave positive feedback to offset.

i don't understand why people don't comment more on these posts. i find this all horribly interesting.

maybe it is because i am also a porn addict. the difference being i find real women untouchable if they are bereft of intelligence and/or personality. the last thing i need is to have someone yapping in my ear about reality television and nail polish. how do you get around that?

35 is still plenty young. guys in their sixties do this sort of thing. and Hef, did he pass the century mark yet? women just love older men.

that said, i enjoy reading this. keep it up.; 11:34 AM

I appreciate that. Hell, I like almost any comments. My stat counter shows that I get a lot of people reading my blog, but I never have written about that til now because I don't want to scare people off if they are worried I somehow know who they are and so on.

Anyway, comments usually make me write more. I kind of fell into a slump there last motnh where I just wasn't interested in writing and had so much to say that I didn't know where to start.

Also I've been reticent because I've told a couple of friends about my blog and I've gotten some regular readers, who contact me, so now I feel semi-self conscious about what I write. But I think I need to work on changing that, and on just being open about being me. What else am I going to do, go underground and start another blog from scratch and don't tell anyone about it?

I've also told a couple of friends about my problem, but not about my blog. Interestingly, talking about it and explaining it, really helped me realize what it really was. Until that moment it was just a big blur of lust and attraction and pining away for women and the thrill of the chase and of being the James Bond of Casanovas and alter egos. But describing it made it much more clear and compartmentalized. It made it easier to see my prob more simply and from afar.

I had a really bad day the other day. I should have written about it. I met this really cute chick, fairly skinny and tall (5'10"), with giant natural boobs. A side note here - 'skinny' doesn't mean good or better. And 'big boobs' doesn't mean good or better. Nor does tall. Skinny with big boobs is just one of the many enjoyable flavors of women. Other days I like (meaning, "cruise for porn for," or use my archives) big, thick women with BIG asses and big natural tits, big thighs and soft tummies, a slight double chin and chubby cheeks. Other days I'm interested in girls with tiny tits and big butts (a tip here for the hunters: Latins). Other days, skinny girls with little fried egg titties, A-cups or smaller. And what I personally never like are fake boobs. The more obviously fake, the more I dislike them.

Just for fun here's a list before I get back on topic. I'd attach pictures but that's kind of a hassle right now, what with Hello™ keeping a history of uploaded pics (this creates a security risk for me with the wife). These are all porn stars, I won't list personal acquaintances and objects of affection of mine:

Big tits, big ass: Laura Lion, Christie Parks, Gabrielle Banks, Ornelia, Gina Vice, Sierra, Olivia O'Lovely, Loni, Fawnna, Dina Jewel, Jade Darling, Scotti Andrews, Tera Patrick, Tianna Lynn, Destiny, Rebecca Bardoux, Misty Mendez, Mallory Knots
Small tits, big ass: Kaylynn, Kaylee, Dana Vespoli, Lana Sands, Tabitha, Jasmine Byrne, Jasmine Lynn, Lauren Phoenix, Ashley Long, Tolly Crystal, Olivia Saint, Alex Dane, Genevieve, Vanessa Rubec, Malaysia, Blair Segal, Nikita Denise, Brianna Blaze, Britini Bi, Bridget Powerz aka Bridget the Midget, Crystal Ray before she lost weight, Dru Berrymore, Fiona Cheeks, early Francesca Le [you got it - boob job :( ], Gia Regency, Haley Banks, Inari, Jade Marx, Jayna Oso, Sabrina Jayde, Gisselle, Shayla Heart, Selena Silver, Elizabeth Lawrence, Sandy Style, Roxanne Hall, Shelbee Myne, Sky Lopez, Stephanie Swift, Tavalia, Taylor Moore, Teagan, Leannie Lei, Precious, Papillion, Nikki Dial, early Nici Sterling, Monique Demoan, Nautica Binx, Lena Ramon(e), Karen Kam
Small tits, small ass: Eva Lux, Katie Gold, Candy Apples, Allysin Chaynes pre-boob job (what a shame), Celeste Masters (another shamefully ruined pair of A-cups), Bridgette Kerkove pre-boob job (another shame), Claudia Adkins, Lena Juliette, Apen Brock, Mariah, Autumn Haze, Ashley Moore, Vanessa Chase, Brandy Lyons, Chandler, Debi Diamond, Daisy Dukes, Melissa Milano, Donna Marie, Donna Warner, Dynomite, Felony, Fiona Bones, Fiona Love, Tami Ann, Sabrina Johnson, Shelby Belle, Spring Thomas, Syren, Taylore Rain, Jenna Haze, Kacey Buy, Kimi Gi, Jeannie Rivers, April Flowers
Big natural tits, small ass: Laura Sparkle (I hope those aren't fake). I can't think of any other porn girls that fit this category. I can think of a few in real life, though.
Girls with fake tits I can deal with because they have big butts: Kiki Daire, Shyla Stylez, Ava Devine, Fujiko Kano, Bella Donna, Bamboo, Kianna Dior, Brianna Banks, Candy Cotton, Candy Roxxx, Davia Ardell, Donita Dunes, Francesca Le,Harley Raines, Heather Lee, Houston, Ryan Conner, Raylene, Latia Lopez, Mercedes, Kristi Myst, Krystal Steale

Anyway, back to my bad day. This new chick seemed really into me. In an earlier post I wrote,

The other one is really interesting. She gave me her yahoo messenger screenname, and I typed that name into Yahoo Profiles and saw her profile, on which she had a link to her blog, which had her real name and place of work and pictures of her parents and sister and so on. It's like she hides nothing. Very strange.

Her profile states that she's not the one, if you're looking for love. She says she just wants to experiment but I can't believe she's not bombarded with tons of guys of all ages trying to fuck her.

I feel kind of threatened in a way because I'm 35 and not exactly up on all the things a 22 year old would know about, which is pretty much the latest bands and styles and slang. Not being into the same bands is no big deal but not ever having heard of a big-name modern band is kind of a black mark against ya. Not being up on style is a bigger no-no, and not knowing current slang, or using old slang, people can find that weird. It just shows how much older you really are.

So now I feel weird 'studying up' on what the world is like for younger hipsters, because

I like to be myself
I don't like to feel like everything I do is contrived
It's crazy thinking that I'm old, because I still feel like I'm 23 in many ways.

I think if I'm just myself she'll dig it more, but that takes a lot of balls. You have to be prepared for people to not "get" you, especially younger people, at which point you lose them.

I find her intriguing because, why would she openly give out personal info to guys she meets on an adult personals site? I wonder whether she just knows it's unlikely that many will come by her work and stalk her, or whether she doesn't care, or what.

Well, she stopped responding to me on messenger. That was the first bad thing.

The second thing was, I had contacted this guy on a BDSM porn forum who posted some really good stuff. I had emailed him asking whether he wanted to trade porn via FTP. He wrote back and included a giant, INCREDIBLY organized spreadsheet listing what he had. I mean this guy had exact file size, Production Company, "line," content, movie name, you name it. Amazing. And he had tons of large and/or complete movies! Amazing. The holy grail of porn. Anyway, he said he'd love to trade and that he didn't even really care about whether I sent him as much as I downloaded, just that we both got some stuff off each other. Sweet! Anyway I wrote back and then didn't hear anything from him. I did notice he was posting porn links on the forum though. What the fuck?

The final bad thing, I contacted this local chick about camera stuff - I didn't even want to hook up with her. I could tell she was about 45-50 years old and a nice person. For over 20 years she had been a professional news photographer so I wanted to pick her brain. Everything was going great, we were responding via email back and forth. I used a fake name so she and the other people on the camera forums wouldn't do an internet search for me and find out who I was and so on. No big deal. Also I can post whatever I want and look like an ass and not care.

So everything's going great, and I'm thinking, I can really learn from this chick. I hadn't mentioned that I was married, not sure why. I always do that, too. I wrote about it earlier when I said something about how I never tell women I'm married even if I'm not really trying to get something going with them, and that I do it because I think they won't have anything to do with me if they think I'm not single.

Another noteworthy point is that, remember that chick I wrote about who is an Emmy-winning news producer? I asked this new chick whether she knew her and she said Yeah, she's one of my faves, give her my regards. So I'm thinking, cool, this new chick must know I'm for real... except, what if she calls the first chick and that one says "He claimed he was working, whaddya mean he's not working right now?" or "He said his name was (real name)" and so on. So now I'm a little worried about the whole thing.

Anyway, things were going well, and then I asked whether she wanted to meet and talk and that I wasn't trying to come onto her or be a sleaze. She didn't respond, so I wrote back, hey, I really am just trying to b.s. about camera stuff, not be a sleaze, I hope you didn't make you uncomfortable, and if you want, let's just be friends over email and let me pick your brain from time to time. She wrote back, ok, cool, yes I did feel a little uncomfortable, but thanks for straightening that out. Then she continues, so, tell me more about yourself, what's your job, etc, married, kids, etc?

I was really at a crossroads and I decided, why not, I'll tell her the truth. So, I write back, yes, I thought I told you already that I'm married and that's why I said I wasn't trying to be a sleaze or trying to hit on you. One kid, here's a pic of the kid, here's the kid's name, here's what my wife does for a living and here's her first name, blah blah. I just yakked on, and then asked some specific questions about pro photography since I'm interested. Signed, Your Friend, (fake name) (same name I use at motels, hehe).

No reply. But she's posting to the forums. Wtf? Maybe she's working on a long reply for me.

I wait a few days, then write back, "Did you get my lengthy reply?"

No reponse. What the fuck?? It's like all I am good at is picking up chicks, not making friends with them.

Anyway all three people were blowing me off - 22 year old, big porn stash guy, and camera chick.

More to follow, in fact, I've started roughing out an answer to the question about how I get around the women bereft of intelligence and/or personality, the reality television and nail polish yappers.

2005-08-04T04:19:00.000-07:00

Not to mention, porn is just one manifestion of my problem or problems. If I don't stay up all night looking at porn I'm looking at camera stuff or any other damn thing that has struck my fancy. And if I'm not on the computer I'm up all night watching HBO or listening to music, and if I'm not at home I'm out chasing women, which tonight I saw once again that I am pretty damn good at. We went to this local cultural celebration type thing and I got so much play from so many girls. It was ridiculous. In sixty feet of walking, three very beautiful and hot girls, and three or four pretty ones, practically threw themselves at me. It was tricky not being spotted doing my thing with them, but what can I say, I'm an expert. Some girls say I'm handsome, but I'm not sure I believe it. All the girls I pull, though, say I have bedroom eyes, and I believe that. It must just be the vibe I send out. The "You will love fucking me" vibe or perhaps the "You will fall in love with me yet I am a Lothario" vibe. Maybe it's just that really good part of my spirit deep inside. Who knows. But after thirty-something years I am finally realizing that I really AM a fuck magnet and the more I admit it the more ass I get. In a way I'm trying like mad to get all the girls I deserve and that I didn't get over the earlier parts of my life, and in another way I'm trying to do it just to get it out of my system before I get old and bitter that I didn't fuck all these delicious twenty- and thirty-somethings, and yet in another way I'm trying like hell not to fuck up at all and to just get over it and not eat my heart out the rest of my life.

But back to the subject at hand. The porn is nothing, it's just one of the infinite diversions that get me. What a moron that person is who left the aforementioned feedback.

Feedback

2005-08-04T04:07:00.000-07:00

I got some cool angry feedback from some moron:

"This is such a load of crap. If this guy really gave a shit about his problem, he would just stop. 30 days off of porn and his head would be on straight.

Come on, lets stop kidding around: either admit that you have dont care and plan on continuing to fuck up your head by looking at smut, or knock it off."

It's great when people actually believe that addiction isn't real and is just an excuse for a fondness for something.

My wife used to be the same way, and maybe still is, to some extent. She would tell me that anyone who wanted to make their way out of an addiction or a ghetto, if they really wanted it, they'd do it.

While that's sometimes true, sometimes there are people that do want it but don't know how to break the cycle. Other times there are people who would like to but aren't even aware it's possible. But mostly there are people who are too despondent to even get the energy up to consider persevering.

And all the rest are addicts.

I shake my head at but also laugh at these people who think there are no addicts. These are the same people who use their own logic to explain how the world is. But they've got it backward: they need to look at how the world is and accept it. If they can understand it, fine. If not, too bad, their idea of what makes sense (like anybody being able to quit an addiction if they just "really want to") doesn't change what's REAL.

The other day I once again tried to go to sleep at like midnight and wake up at like 7 or 8 like a normal person. But I stayed up all night, went to sleep at like 6:30 and slept all day. During that time my wife opened literally every window in the house and every door but the front door. Naturally I became sick and have been for the past two days. She knows this happens to me every time she does this, without fail. When I brought it up, you know what her reply was? Not "Oops" or "Sorry" or anything of the sort. It was, and I quote,

"Well you shouldn't have been sleeping in the daytime."

Great. Thanks. And you're pissed at me??

Daily Buddhist Wisdom

2005-07-30T08:01:00.000-07:00

Even as rain breaks through an ill-thatched house,
So lust breaks through an ill-trained mind.

Even as rain breaks not through a well-thatched house,
So lust breaks not through a well-trained mind.

-Dhammapada 13-14

From "365 Buddha: Daily Meditations," edited by Jeff Schmidt.

Study ties gambling to Parkinson's drug

2005-07-12T05:39:00.000-07:00

One American with Parkinson's disease went from being an occasional gambler to racking up losses of more than $100,000. But within a month of discontinuing one of his medications, he stopped betting and his relieved wife told his doctor, "I have my old husband back."

A patient with no history of gambling became so obsessed that he lost more than $200,000 in just six months. When he curbed a drug, his habit faded.

Another man turned into a compulsive gambler who stayed at casinos for days on end and was "unable to pull myself away from the tables." And while on the drugs, the Parkinson's sufferers became obsessed with sex -- one went from having sex once a week to four times a day. Two ate compulsively and one drank more.

The dramatic behavioural changes are outlined in a study published in yesterday's on-line edition of the journal Archives of Neurology. Like previous papers, the research concludes that medications known as dopamine agonists -- especially Miraprex -- trigger pathological gambling.

"It's very striking, this temporal relationship between the initiation of the drug and then the beginning of the behaviour, and then the discontinuation of the drug and the discontinuation of the behaviour," Leann Dodd, a psychiatrist at the Mayo Clinic who led the analysis, said in an interview. "It's suspect, that's for sure."

This year, an Ontario man with Parkinson's launched a class-action lawsuit after losing $100,000 gambling while taking Miraprex, which is the trade name for pramipexole.

Dr. Dodd stressed that a very small number of patients on the class of drugs become compulsive gamblers -- one study found the behaviour in 1.5 per cent of people taking Miraprex -- and that the side effect can be reversed. One of the patients said discontinuing the medication was "like a light switch being turned off."

The Mayo Clinic study examined the cases of 11 patients who reported problem gambling after taking dopamine agonists, that mimic the effect of dopamine, a brain chemical that allows the body to move smoothly and be co-ordinated. Nine patients took Miraprex and the other two took Ropinirole.

Of the 11 people, seven became pathological gamblers within one to three months of reaching a certain level of medication. The other four reported compulsive gambling between 12 and 30 months after beginning the therapy. And six of the patients, the study says, also developed other behavioural changes, including compulsive eating, drinking more, higher spending, and increased interest in pornography, extramarital affairs or a higher libido "bothersome to the spouse."

Eight individuals' pathological gambling was resolved when the dopamine agonist was suspended or decreased, the study says. Follow-up information was not available in the remaining three cases.

Earlier this year, Boehringer Ingelheim (Canada) Ltd. asked Health Canada to change Miraprex's patient insert and product monograph to include warnings that it may cause compulsive gambling or changes in sexual desire.

New Breed

2005-07-10T15:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I don't even know where to start, about my vacation. Slash, hell.

Anyway I'm talking to two new chicks online. No idea why. Partly boredom, partly for sexual satisfaction, partly because I feel compelled to and can't stop myself, and partly out of wanting to seize the day. I've held back on written to girls on online adult personals sites before, and then they cancelled their membership so I lost the opportunity and was pissed at myself. I don't want to feel like that any more, so now I'm being more proactive about hitting them up.

Both are 22. One of them just mentioned she has a boyfriend so this may be a good sign that she has no interest in a relationship. I don't really feel all that interested in knowing her; there's no real spark there and she doesn't seem like all that special of a person. Cute, though. One of her profile pictures is her ass covered in cane marks so I know I can do almost whatever the hell I want to her.

The other one is really interesting. She gave me her yahoo messenger screenname, and I typed that name into Yahoo Profiles and saw her profile, on which she had a link to her blog, which had her real name and place of work and pictures of her parents and sister and so on. It's like she hides nothing. Very strange.

Her profile states that she's not the one, if you're looking for love. She says she just wants to experiment but I can't believe she's not bombarded with tons of guys of all ages trying to fuck her.

I feel kind of threatened in a way because I'm 35 and not exactly up on all the things a 22 year old would know about, which is pretty much the latest bands and styles and slang. Not being into the same bands is no big deal but not ever having heard of a big-name modern band is kind of a black mark against ya. Not being up on style is a bigger no-no, and not knowing current slang, or using old slang, people can find that weird. It just shows how much older you really are.

So now I feel weird 'studying up' on what the world is like for younger hipsters, because

I like to be myself
I don't like to feel like everything I do is contrived
It's crazy thinking that I'm old, because I still feel like I'm 23 in many ways.

I think if I'm just myself she'll dig it more, but that takes a lot of balls. You have to be prepared for people to not "get" you, especially younger people, at which point you lose them.

I find her intriguing because, why would she openly give out personal info to guys she meets on an adult personals site? I wonder whether she just knows it's unlikely that many will come by her work and stalk her, or whether she doesn't care, or what.

In addition to emailing girls I was going to wait forever on, I'm trying to do more things like that too. Looking at myself I see that I'll prepare forever, I'll put off the good stuff forever, in favor of 'seizing the day,' so to speak. I'm trying to change that; maybe if I do it enough, I can change the basic tendencies of my thought processes.

I saw a bit of an independent documentary on the punk scene in the 70's and 80's, and a couple of the biggest-name guys were talking about how on the one hand you have guys like Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, who went to music school and then stayed home practicing their instruments in dad's study for years, and on the other hand you have these kids who just get a hold of some instruments are are like "Yeah, let's do this, and we'll figure it out along the way."

And I saw an interview with Quentin Tarantino in which he said, "Go make your movie. Don't worry about 'how am i going to do this,' 'how am i going to do that,' about going to film school first, about working your way up, just do it."

Roberto Rodriguez says the same thing. Just start making your movie. Don't worry that you don't know everything; you'll figure it out.

I'm more like the guys the punk musicians were ridiculing for staying home studying. First off I hate being just a total rookie, looking like every other would-be expert who is just now starting the long road to proficiency. I hate floundering around publically making my embarrassing mistakes. Besides, why jump in and do it, when I'm going to have no idea what I'm doing and am going to start trying to learn, start seeking books and people who can teach me. I like to stop and look at what's going to happen, to act, not react. So I just skip ahead and start finding resources and people to learn from.

I hate people who don't use their brains. So many people are so stupid and don't rise above it and look at themselves objectively. Anyone can be a rookie and anyone can get out there and try what feels like their hardest, without studying first. But what's really the hardest is studying and learning all the ins and outs of something, figuring out and comprehending all the concepts that are so difficult to grasp. Flailing as hard as you can isn't trying your hardest. Sucking it up and having the self-control to be persistent while reading and studying, is.

However...

A) I rarely make the transition from preparing to actually doing. They say life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. That's so true for me. I have a hard time figuring out when it's time to stop learning, because, it's not like you ever "get" all of it. First you learn the basics, then you learn the trickier stuff, and by that time I've got my own theories and questions about things none of the experts and none of the books even know about. I've become an expert or one of the leading experts, without ever having touched or experienced or done the thing.

That's kind of what happened in my line of work. I sat home dreaming and studying about it until I finally was urged to get into it. Kind of given a boot in the ass, really. When I did get into it, I learned that there was no-one who could verify the theories I had come up with. So I experimented and figured it out for myself, making myself the top guy in the industry in the process.

Sadly my A.D.D. and compulsion and lack of self control fucked me out of being a multimillionaire. If you can believe it, I still haven't made a doctor's appointment to get medication, either. And I haven't started smartrecovery.org. I'll do it "tomorrow."

the modern man must hustle

2005-07-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

The first time I met the Devil was at a Motel 6
she left Hell to spend a weekend on Earth just for kicks
sexy little bitch,
shorter than expected, about five-foot five
big an' thick in the breast and thighs
beautiful, dark eyes, a strong stare
large lips, soft hands and long hair
I said I'll make you smile for the simple fact I'm good at it
I'll make you smile just so I can sit and look at it

Out Of Town

2005-06-22T17:01:00.000-07:00

Til Wednesday or so. What a fuckin' pain in the ass.

Craigslist Entry I Saw

2005-06-15T05:22:00.000-07:00

I saw this on Craigslist. Actually someone sent it to me. I wonder whether he had any idea I'm a porn addict. And I wonder whether he is one.

Porn Has Completely Destroyed Me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-70028811@craigslist.org
Date: Sun Apr 24 20:46:15 2005

There was a time - I'd say pre 1999 - when I would have tolerated a girl with an errant fat roll, a mildly problematic ass, or even non-porcelain veneered teeth. And come to think of it, I might have even green lighted a B cup chest.

But with the installation of the high speed cable modem, alas, I am sad to say that those times have now passed. I now only want - and will only solicit affection from - girls with killer porn star looks and behavior.

I am ashamed and I do not like what now stimulates me, but the Internet, with all of its quick fix, crack-like vices, has made me extraordinarily intolerant.

Are you a Tufts or Harvard grad and a great conversationalist?

Not important.

Do you have a quirky sense of humor and a knack for cooking Asian Fusion cuisine?

Don't care.

Would you like to discuss the sub-text meaning of the whip sawed brush strokes of that Kandinsky painting at the MFA?

smurf off.

Be the source of a blood rush and make me throw a rod in my pants or kindly turn into anti-matter.

I am ruined. I am dead on the inside. I am ashamed and embarrassed of what now stimulates me and I know that I am irrevocably changed for the worse. For all practical purposes, Internet porn has destroyed me.

So who am I? Not who you'd think. Not the dandruff-haired blob of smurf in the cube next to you. Not the UES Michigan frat boy. Not the faux disheveled Downtown hipster with the silly retro Puma sneakers.

Sadly, I am the "normal" one that you're actually interested in. Cultured, eloquent, well dressed. I am the one you discuss with your girlfriends over Sunday brunch. I am the one you hope to bump into at Karen's pajama themed apartment party. I am the one who takes the lead, holds doors, and hails cabs.

smurf.

Do you dream of a man who will "love you just for you?"

Do believe that you have peripheral, intangible qualities that men of substance will key upon and gravitate to?

Do you shun the gym in favor of The Apprentice and a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunkey Monkey, thinking that your black cigarette pants will sufficiently mask any belly spillage or ass expansion?

Then forget it. It's game over. You're a walking, talking non-compete clause and you're going to end up alone with a slobbering oversized Rotweiller named Chuckles.

Pull your head out of your ass and be advised - porn viewing/obsession is spreading like the plague amongst my gender - upping the already unrealistic physical expectations, pushing boundaries in the bedroom (you're down with anal, right?), and providing instant, customize-able sexual highs with the push of a button.

If you're female and you don't posess prodigal, Einsteinian caliber intelligence that would propel the cause of humanity forward, and, if you don't relish the idea of being alone, then . . .

. . . throw every last dollar you have at your physical appearance.

I'm serious. Personal trainer. Porcelain veneers. High-end boob job. Get scared and get it done.

Do not extend my gender any credit. Do not hope that a guy will be in awe of your cello playing, your VP title, or your cute apartment.

I promise you he won't care. Don't kid yourself into thinking he will. Men are programmed to respond to the visual.

Look good or you're alone.

Opening Up

2005-06-14T04:15:00.000-07:00

The weekend went pretty well I guess. The bride looked pretty cute and with her doe eyes and nervous embarrassment ways, reminded me of my first girlfriend.

The groom's sister, early 20's, was quite fit but had big healthy tits. Just big slabs of juicy chicken meat, and her dress showcased them terrifically. Good god where did she get a body like that? She is definite hoochie material, a very likely candidate for Girls Gone Wild and other such videos where girls tongue kiss, show their tits, and do everything else they've been programmed to do to get attention. I would fuck the shit out of her.

This one chick, 23, had the prettiest face. Nothing but shining eyes, cheekbones, brilliant smile... Her tits were uninspiring and her ass didn't have much bump to it. She met a sailor there (friend of the groom) and stayed out with him 'til 6 A.M. The next day she was on her way home and he was showing us the scratches on his back.

I called that girl, one of my best friend's girlfriends, at work the other day, to bullshit. I guess she finally picked up on my saying how I hated myself and my life and my marriage had turned to shit, because she called me that night to talk. I opened up and told her a lot more about me than I've told almost anyone in real life, like I told her about my Harry Tasker alternate persona I use for chicks on the side. She was pretty amazed, I guess rightfully so, at how I've covered every conceivable angle, from putting new-car plates on my car, to the fake registration I keep in the glovebox in case a girl looks through there, to my fake driver's licenses, to my prepaid credit cards and cell phone, all of it. I told her about a lot of my problems, and, surprisingly, it really helped me identify them more clearly, just to try to explain them.

One of the main ones is how I see sex and love. I realized more clearly than ever that I desire two things:

1) a girl on the side to open up to about romance and matters of the heart, someone I can act macho and Alpha Male in front of, but at the same time cry in front of, too. Someone I'm sexually attracted to and who I feel totally comfortable showing and telling her what I want in bed.

2) basically a mother or best friend figure at home, which is my wife. Someone I don't need to be attracted to, and who I don't want to have sex with; someone who will take care of me, who I don't open up to.

I don't trust the girls I have sex with, with certain parts of my heart, and I don't trust my wife with other parts, like I don't trust them not to make fun of me if I did open up.

I feel comfortable doing all kinds of kinky shit with my sexual girls, but I'd feel kind of corny telling my wife to do the same things.

Another big thing I revealed to her - and just hearing myself say it, really opened my eyes to how bad of an addict I really am, even though I knew it already - was how I think about girls constantly. I explained to her how, for example, I might see that Japanese-American chick at the Post Office and instantly being plotting and scheming, figuring all the angles in my head in a huge flow chart like a master chess player: How soon to come back, what to do if my wife isn't working that day, what to do if the chick isn't behind the counter that day, how to approach her, how to ask her out, what to do if I don't get into her line, when to call her back once I get her number, which restaurant to take her to, how to dress, how to act, what to say, all custom tailored to make her fall in love with me, based on my amateur yet expert FBI profiler-style assesment of her personality, current station in life, etc.

Which brings me to another thing I revealed to her- how I really am not even after the sex all the time, mostly just their hearts. My mission is to make girls/women fall in love with me, and me them, because I'm addicted to that thrill of the newness of first love, the romance, all that heady stuff.

Anyway it was really touching that she gave a shit and actually picked up the phone because she was worried about me. I told her she can tell her boyfriend anything or everything about what we talked about, so he wouldn't feel like I'm trying to lay her or have some sort of secrets with her that I won't tell him, thus undermining their relationship.

Mini-Vaca'

2005-06-10T17:59:00.000-07:00

Going up the coast a couple three hours to a wedding. My 22 year old sister-in-law's friend. Super cute girl, soft face, big doe eyes, juicy lips. I'd pound her. Hopefully the wife enjoys the weekend and isn't on her usual automatic sour mood.

At the bank today a cute girl behind the counter gave me the eye. Dressed in black; straight brown hair, glasses; healthy, soft breasts and ass. I did my flirty shy thing and she kept peeking at me and smiling. As I was leaving she checked me out. I would totally pound that.

Got another $20 grand out of nowhere, so that will tide me over a bit. Will write more on Sunday nite when I get back.

Under The Bridge

2005-06-10T04:34:00.000-07:00

Under the bridge downtown
Is where I drew some blood
Under the bridge downtown
I could not get enough
Under the bridge downtown
Forgot about my love
Under the bridge downtown
I gave my life away

Most People Lead Lives Of Quiet Desperation

2005-06-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

One of my girl toys is getting married to this turdbait grizzly adams guy at the end of the summer.
Tomorrow is her last day at work; she's super cute and super brainy, an electrical engineer, and she quit her job so she can go hike from halfway up Oregon, down a third of the way down CA.
Basically 600 miles.
Then she is flying to FL, getting married, flying back to LA, getting on her sailboat with her dude, and sailing to South America, where they are considering backpacking in Ecuador for a year
Then back to FL to start life over

I'm like Yeah I might TiVo Entourage next week

Cuck You

2005-06-08T04:15:00.000-07:00

I don't steal other guy's wives or girlfriends. I just borrow them from time to time.

Godzilla

2005-06-07T02:12:00.000-07:00

"Pornography really does, unlike other addictions, biologically cause direct release of the most perfect addictive substance. That is, it causes masturbation, which causes release of the naturally occurring opioids. It does what heroin can't do, in effect."

-Jeffrey Satinover of NARTH

Six Feet Under

2005-06-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

I just re-watched the final episode of last season's Six Feet Under. I used to always feel like I was exactly like Nate and my wife was exactly like Lisa. If you knew us you'd agree. I just knew my wife saw the same thing; she even hinted at it a little bit.

Rewatching it now I see in a way I'm worse than Nate, or what I've done is worse than what Nate did. My wife really doesn't love me anywhere near as much as she used to. I'm sure if she watched this same episode again, now that another year has passed, she'd watch Lisa's sister's husband asking Nate, "How could you treat her that way?" and think, He treated me that way.

Harsh reality

2005-06-03T16:47:00.000-07:00

Man, I'm so jealous right now. This guy came to fix a chipped windshield on the wife's car. We got to talking, he has has two businesses, one doing this and one doing custom flooring. He showed me his album of before and after pics of floors he has done, talked about the product, etc. The guy is very good looking, fit, easygoing, just reeks of being simple, down to earth, honest, hardworking, on time, organized, everything. 30 years old, wife is 23. I guarantee you his wife is super hot, too. That's just how those guys have it. I also guarantee you he'll make more money every year from now on, for the rest of his life.

And then there's me, I could fuck up anything.

Cattle Call

2005-06-03T03:03:00.000-07:00

Ok.

So, I went to a casting call yesterday. First off my agents are total pieces of shit, which is totally unsurprising. And to think everyone blames the talent. Yeah, right! This dumb bitch calls me up midday - I'm still asleep - and says "Hi this is (her first name), you are scheduled for a 3:15 casting call, can you make it?" Doesn't state her last name or what business she's calling from, or even make sure it's me she's speaking to. She just blurts it out immediately after I say hello. She also doesn't say WHERE it is, or for WHOM, and the biggest thing is,

a) she already scheduled me without even seeing whether I'm available or not, and

b) she didn't give me ANY advance warning! Not even one day! Oh yeah right, like the casting director and the studio and videographer and producers and assistants and everyone else involved went to all this trouble to set this all up, but didn't notify my agent until that same day?? GIVE me a fucking BREAK! WHAT a FUCKING BITCH!

What really happened was, this agent was warned a month in advance and didn't even pick up the phone. Why? Because she's a worthless cluck. A dumb fucking c-word of a wench. JESUS Christ, please God kill her.

See, the problem with her scheduling me without my knowledge is that if I can't make the casting call, the casting director and everyone else will go "God, what a flake!" Yeah right, like it's my fault. Dumb Fucking Whore.

Anyway, I respond to her, saying "Can I call you right back?"
She replies - incredulously, mind you (can you believe this shit?) "Do you even have my number?"
I'm thinking, Well yes, you dumb fucking bitch, ever heard of caller I.D.? But I say "Well I assume you're calling fro-" She interrupts (as always) and blurts out the name of the agency. No Fucking Shit you dumbfuck! Where the fuck ELSE would you be calling from? JESUS what a dumb fucking piece of shit.

Anyway, I let myself wake up for a moment, then call her back. "Hi, this is _____" (ya like how I introduce myself? It's called NORMAL PHONE PROTOCOL as well as PROFESSIONALISM.) "Regarding the casting call, where is it?" She blurts out the street name and number, nothing more. I pause, so I don't reach through the phone and choke her to death, and say, "What city would that be in?" ARGH you DUMB FUCKING WHORE!

Anyway, I get ready and race there, but there's one catch. My wife wants to go. Fuck!! What am I going to do, tell her no? Heck no, that would be a terrible move right now, maybe ending my marriage.

We arrive, and as often happens, there are other casting calls going on at the same time in other suites or whatever they're called. All the hopefuls are standing around the main waiting area. One group is infants and parents, another group is average joes, another group appears to be skanks and hookers, and yet another group is Hot Frickin Women.

Good LORD are some of these women hot. I mean, if you've never been to L.A. at all you really can't fathom it. Believe me, I have lived here a long time and it still amazes even me. Oh you may think you can "get it" because you're capable of grasping the notion that there are lots of hotties and wannabe starlets in L.A., but it's like having a gun pointed to your head: imagining how it would feel, and actually having it happen, are two WAY different things.

Between the mommies with their heavy, soft breasts, bending over to pick up their babies, and the models/actresses with their rail-thin frames, rounded asses, jutting cheekbones, and impossibly white teeth, the whole room has me reeling.

I swagger in like I own the place (unlike everybody else, who are either nervous, or gorgeous yet insecure, or fingers-crossed hopeful), trying to keep my distance from my wife, and everybody stares at me, wondering "Who is this guy? Is he a director? A casting director? A hotshot actor I for some reason don't recognize? A producer?" The gorgeous girls I give cursory inspections to and maybe give a small, ambiguous smile to, but I don't show too much interest. Those kinds of girls fall all over themselves shining their glorious warmth on you until you show interest - then they're like "Tssh. As if." So if you ignore them they're like "How can I get this guy to notice me?"

Meanwhile though I'm staring at whichever ones are looking the other way, so I can ogle them unnoticed. MAN! I'm telling you, these girls are painfully beautiful. And desperate for attention. Good god it would be easy to pull some of these chicks.

Also there are a lot of mommies there with their infants, who are trying out for a diaper ad. This one in particular has just the sweetest face, and HUGE tits, I mean bigger than my head by far. But really nice, too, not just arbitrarily large tits. They're so big that she has a lot of cleavage showing, so when she bends over to pick up her kid, I look the other way so it appears I'm not paying attention, but then I turn back and stare right down her shirt. Praise Jesus, pure heaven on earth right there. My god. I can only imagine how warm and soft they are. Grrr! It's almost like being starving and staring at food from a world class chef.

Now, most moms don't lose all the weight they gained during their pregnancy right away, and many (most?) never get back to their original weight in the first place. So, they feel like big ugly cows, especially next to these 118 lb , 5 foot 11" superhotties. That means if I flash this one particularly reliable smile of mine, they're putty in my hands. And for the icing on the cake, the Perfect 10's in the room notice it (they don't miss a thing) and wonder why this cute MILF gets a smile and not themselves.

So, whenever my wife's back is turned or I happen to be facing away, I work it, without her noticing. MAN I could collect some digits if I were here alone and in recruitment mode. Good god I would love to pound some of these beauties. Fucking a skinny or really fit girl is great because they're so firm, every thrust slams her whole body around. And fucking a thick girl is great because they're so voluptuous and luxurious and soft. You get to see their tits move, their ass shake, thighs, tummy, all of it is terrific. God bless women.

I need to go to my car for something, so my wife stays behind to listen for my name and tell them I'll be back in a moment if they call me. On the way there I slow down to let this one hottie catch up with me. Blonde, very pretty face, looks a lot like Gisele Bundchen. Nice soft a-cups, but they're jiggly, which I love. Now, skinny girls with no ass totally turn me off, I mean, my weenie says 'Byebye!' Zero interest. This one has a round, muscular little thing back there, a very Nicole Kidman body. Good god what I would do to that. Anyway I make small talk and flirt a bit. It would be so easy to get her number. But I wrap it up and walk ahead. Around the back of the building I catch up to a black girl, who I can tell was just inside. She just had that look. Halle Berry body, with bigger tits and a bigger ass, and a face a lot like Nia Long, but cuter. We bullshit for a bit, and I could have definitely gotten her number too, but I pass. She's moving to San Francisco anyway. If I were really on the case I could have worked it - told her I live up there or have a second home up there, and created this whole giant house of lies out of thin air; flown up there a few times and back the next morning before my wife got home from work, but, no way, not now. I don't need to get laid THAT badly!

I get what I need from the car and head back. I make sure I catch up with this one MILF - her face looks exactly like an actress who's been in quite a few films, whose name I can't place. Maybe it's her. Tan; brown hair with blonde streaks, cut in a bob; dark blue tattoo high on on her upper arm, ROUND ass - Jesus! - and very round cantelope sized probably fake tits. Not bad fake, though; these are nice, very expensive and very well done fake ones. Who knows, maybe they're real. Man oh man. She's mid 30's or so, and definitely would appreciate the attention. We bullshit for a moment, and as we round the corner I ask, "What call are you here for?" Just then we round the corner and there's her infant daughter in a stroller being held by this woman's elderly mom. "My daughter." Oh well. I wasn't going to get her digits anyway.

After the audition the wife wants to go to Whole Foods. Ok. While she's in line to get a gourmet sandwich, I'm off a ways looking at "food" (translation: "women.") Suddenly I turn and see this one, HO my GAWD! Like a God Damn Scotti Andrews. Same body pretty much; same hair, everything. Scotti is an incredibly cute and busty young porn star from Scotland. This girl has really big natural tits, TOTALLY round, I mean spherical. And they're filled with like helium and jello. Well I'll be. The things are a bit bigger than my head, and just absolute perfection. Her body is exactly like I love - well one of the ways - but very hard to describe. Mainstream actresses and musicians just don't have bodies like this. She's not skinny, but not exactly thick, either. She's VERY curvy, including a big, juicy bubble butt, perfectly round. But say the word "curvy" and people think you're saying "fat, but I like it." I'm telling you, this girl is like, the best way to describe it is, picture the heaviest centerfold ever featured in Playboy. A girl who, you can't see her ribs at all, but she's not overweight. Probably a 30" waist, so, not skinny, but not fat either. And a 40" ass, and double D's. She turns and looks at me. Dammit, if my wife hadn't been around I could have just lavished charm and praise and romance on her and gotten her number.

Man, my heart actually ached, still does. I actually felt like I was in love. I flashed forward and imagined dating her and so on. Man oh man. How could I have let her get away? I feel kind of heartbroken to be honest. That must sound crazy.

I'll dig up some pictures of Scotti and post them, you'll see what I mean.

Motley Crue

2005-05-30T23:09:00.000-07:00

I'm watching this documentary on Motley Crue and how some of the guys' managers were trying to get them back together for a reunion tour so they can make some money. Mick Mars, one of the guitarists, has ankylosing spondylitis, a currently incurable disease which over time fuses the bones of the spine together. The guys from the band hadn't seen him in years, so when they saw him, frail and gaunt like an anorexic, they were shocked. Mick did a little interview in which he said that to combat the pain, he started taking opiates, and became addicted. I'll try to get this as verbatim as I can because I just saw it not 40 seconds ago, but he said, "I felt like I was screaming for help, but no-one was coming. So I was just alone in this 5800 square foot house, dying. I guess I had a death wish at that point."

He's just a skinny middle-aged guy, alone and in pain with no one trying to help him. All that fame, money, mansions, women, cars, guitars, none of it mattered. Fuckin' a.

That's not my point though. Not what you think. I'm not saying that money can't buy happiness or any of that. His wealth didn't matter only because he didn't have a lasting relationship with anyone who offered to help. Same as me. That's what caught my attention. Despite all that stuff, he had fucked up too.

In Flames

2005-05-29T03:26:00.000-07:00

My wife told me she wants to separate because she wants more out of her marriage. I guess I can't blame her, but I am disappointed. I thought she'd at least talk to me instead of just clamming up. Anyway we semi- patched things up so it sounds like neither one of us is moving out just yet but I wonder whether it's only a matter of time. And I wonder whether or not it's better that way.

Busywork

2005-05-28T05:21:00.001-07:00

The other day I was watching the movie House of Sand and Fog. My wife comes in the room and is standing there watching. This cop meets Jennifer Connolly one day and is helping her. He drives her around, hangs out with her, etc. The next night he has her out, classy joint, champagne dinner, the whole 9 yards. She asks about his wife. He says, "I married my best friend. So for the last 7-1/2 years, we haven't had sex." My wife briskly walks out of the room. GREAT! Just fucking great. Just what I needed.

She's been the hugest bitch to me the past few days. Just unbelievable. It made me forget a lot of the sappy stuff I wrote the other night, and had me questioning whether I even wanted to be with her.

She hasn't been shopping so the house is like barren of food, so we went to get something to eat, but the restaurant had closed up. We were next door to a mall so we ate there in the food court. Mall food courts in L.A. are not that bad at all; they have everything from No MSG Chinese food, to Thai, Indian, Mongolian, Italian, Cajun, you name it. Anyway, the whole time we were in the mall I noticed

A) what a total babe magnet our baby is
and B) how I can't stop staring or thinking about every decent looking girl in sight. I looked at some Mexican girls as I walked in, this very cute Japanese girl working a kiosk, checked out the chicks behind the counter at Baja Grill and China Express but they weren't cute, got a smile back from a kind of cute mom with no ring and a screaming kid in a stroller eating near us. Smiled at this really cute and really nice-seeming fat lady eating with her elderly mom. Something about her just seemed so super nice, and her face was really very beautiful. I smiled at her a few times and even turned around when we were walking away to look at her one more time, and to see whether she looked at me, and to let her see I was looking at her. The nice thing about fat chicks is many are super grateful if you're attracted to them. That sounds fucked up but it's true. Easy pickin's. Super hot (as dictated by society) chicks, on the other hand, now, those take it for granted most guys are attracted to them. They literally expect guys to stop talking or talk about them, or crane their necks, when they walk into the place. And many of them actually look down on a guy if he's too nice, too interested, too eager to please. I used to fuck, er, date this one chick (I was dating the girl who is now my wife, at the same time), she was pretty cute, looked a lot like Nicole Kidman. I was trying to play it very cool the first night we met, and she later told me, "I was like, 'How can I get this guy to notice me?'."

I learned a lot from her. It went pretty bad at the end. She seems to still work at the same place; I checked her out online. I'm thinking about "accidentally bumping into her" and trying to start things up again, just sex, though. She used to tell me to rough her up, push her around, etc. I was always too timid, though. I really didn't have that much experience or feel comfortable getting aggressive or controlling sexually. But good lord what I'd do to her now. I bet her current boyfriend is a total chump compared to me now.

I have this theory, that when people go out of your lives and come back in after a while, they seem really changed and you do too, but at the heart of things, you're both just the same. That's why people get lured into the same old cycles of relationships, and abusive relationships, and patterns, and so on.

Anyway, back to fat chicks. It's also true many of them have really bad self-esteem issues, sometimes derived from being big, and sometimes the other way around - they get fat because they were really hurt in some way, molested or abused, etc. It's their way of either medicating, trying to fill a hole they feel inside, or trying to keep guys away.

I found a website that lets you put in a URL (a web address) and it looks at the code and content, and spits out a rhyming rap song.

HTTP in tha House
lyrics by: http://pornjunkie.blogspot.com

faintest idea of who i
footer clear to fix die
wanted to fuck her no
even look twice k.o.
http www blogger
div class post body p parr
do you think
style border wink

email post span class
the first place but
color rgb span span
tictac blue tictac grey gran
software br
a fairly cute
the center of attention
px background url gentian

PORNJUNKIE DOT BLOGSPOT DOT COM IN THA HOUSE
PORNJUNKIE DOT BLOGSPOT DOT COM IN THA HOUSE
PORNJUNKIE DOT BLOGSPOT DOT COM IN THA HOUSE
PORNJUNKIE DOT BLOGSPOT DOT COM

Typical

2005-05-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

I finally edited and re-edited my email help request to that local addiction specialist doctor I found. I agonized over it and finally clicked Send. Two seconds later here was the response I got in my Inbox:

Hi. This is the qmail-send program at yahoo.com. I'm afraid I wasn't able to deliver your message to the following addresses. This is a permanent error; I've given up. Sorry it didn't work out.

Lemon Law / Crawling In My Skin

2005-05-25T02:13:00.000-07:00

god, I hate myself. I can't believe how much I've fucked up, how fucked up I am. I had the best wife I could ask for and a far better match for me than anyone I've ever met or seen. She used to love me so much, she'd sit up nights waiting for me and she'd be happy when I came home, not grumpy like nowadays, like every day. She'd write me letters even when we lived together, she'd make books for me telling me the story of our love, and I did nothing but hurt her again and again, make her lose first her trust and then her love. I see it everywhere, every day. She forgets the baby monitor is on and I hear the phone beep as she scrolls through the caller ID list. She looks in my wallet to check my receipts and look for phone numbers. She looks in my briefcase, and my cell phone address book and recent calls. I get a call at home from a friend while I'm in the shower so I answer it on the first ring and tell him I'll call him back. When I check the computer's History later I see she googled the area code to see where I was getting a quick call from. God, I think I've ruined it forever. It will never be the same. And it was wonderful.

I certainly got wired wrong from the factory because there is no explanation for why I've always been such a fuckup. I had this windup teddy bear with a music box inside and I can remember being four years old and staying up late at night, alone in the dark, listening to it over and over, thinking about how achingly sad and lonely this one riff, these three or four notes sounded. Most four year olds are not like that. Thirty years since I've turned that key, and those notes haunt me even to this day.

The worst part is she has no idea. I shut her out completely, so she has no idea how I really feel. She thinks I'm just this nothing person who sits on the computer and ignores her, doesn't care about her, prefers surfing the web or messenging my buddies more than talking to her. She doesn't know I'm dying inside, wishing I could be productive, get on with my life, with our lives, be nice to her, do more work around the house, recultivate my interests and hobbies, just not be a ghoul with no lifeforce. And I'm too scared to tell her. I'm too timid to really tell her how I feel about anything. So she has only the faintest idea of who I really am. Isn't that wild?

I really wish I could kill myself but I have a daughter now, and my poor dad, he's been through so much, had his heart broken so many times starting from childhood. It might make him feel like he's cursed, when really I'm the one who's cursed. And there's my mom, my sister, my wife, they would all be so sad. Not really anyone else; I have some friends who'd be sad but not really. Mostly people would laugh at me, all the people who were jealous of me, the people who find me threatening and easy to hate for being smart, the people who look down on me for how fucked up I was and how easy to rip off. So i won't be killing myself any time soon. By the time it'll be okay to, it'll be too late to bother, and if you think about it or use a life expectancy calculator it's not likely I'll make it to that point anyhow. So I just have to hang in there and keep being a fuckup until I can punch out or it happens for me. Overall, what a shit life it's been so far, and what a pathetic waste and a joke it's about to be for the next twenty years as they whiz by. If you think about it, twenty christmases is nothing.

Fackin' 'ell

2005-05-22T15:25:00.000-07:00

Christ. I think I left some porn links in my Recent list, from the Start button, and I think my wife found them. Jesus Christ. Fuck. How could I have been so careless? I have a lead weight in the pit of my stomach. Now I have to wait for god knows how long until she brings it up. I'm going to have to occupy all our time together being busybusybusy, from eating to watching a movie to doing something, just to keep her from asking me about it or talking about it.

Jesus Christ.

The other day I found the website of some particularly famous addiction therapist whose areas of specialty also include sex addiction. I started to compose her an email asking for help but I'm not done yet. Maybe it's time.

Excerpt from article on A&E show, "Intervention"

2005-05-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

After all, what bothers us the most about addicts is that they're doing what we're all tempted to do, either once in our lifetime, once every few years, once every few months, or once a week: Give up. We hate the addict because we want to tell him or her, "Suck it up! Do you think I like going to my tedious job every day? Do you think I enjoy reading credit card bills I can't begin to tackle? Sure, I'd love to stay in bed and eat chocolate and smoke crack for the rest of my life, but I don't do that, because I know better!"

But the addicts have something important to tell us, too. When they falter and flail and whine and manipulate and blame, they're showing us how a normal person can turn into a paralyzed, confused demon. And the message is this: You are not immune.

Clutter

2005-05-19T20:56:00.000-07:00

I've been talking to one of my best friend's girlfriend about sex. She has kind of lost interest in him (though not him in her) after seven or more years of dating. She's looking to me for tips on how to put some spark back into their sex life. Me! How the hell should I know?

We also flirt a lot. She looks a lot like Mariel Hemingway crossed with a pro volleyballer. She's very fit, and could easily kick my ass. She is a total tomboy; wrestles guys, and usually wins. When we're flirting we'll talk on the phone, or send literally dozens of short emails back and forth for hours, full of double entendres. Then she goes home and jumps his bones.

In the flirting I'm pushing to have sex with her. I even suggest days and times, like the two days a week she works late and he is at a night class.

He's one of my best friends. I wouldn't sleep with her. Would I?

I keep trying to handle these menial tasks that have been hanging over my head for days, weeks, months, and even years. It's killing me. I wonder whether it's learned helplessness (that's a scientific/psychological phenomenon) or what I believe is the obvious chemical imbalance in my brain. Was it the way my dad raised me, or should I say, failed to raise me? Is it the way I'm made? Or is it my own fault?

Sometimes when I'm caught up in my wretchedness I close a window on my computer and see the desktop. The background is an image of my daughter, looking upward, with a big smile on her face. God, the hope, the promise, my hopes for her, the promises I pray I don't break.

Jesus.

I feel like I've failed her already.

.

Lying Game/Addicted to Love

2005-05-17T03:24:00.000-07:00

Taylor (1999) suggests that the combination of providing social and sexual reinforcement imbues the Internet with “compulsive qualities”, leading some individuals to spend increasing amounts of time involved with it. Taylor et al (2001) state that for some individuals increasing mastery of the Internet provides a sense of power and control that may be missing in other aspects of their lives. The rapid acquisition of images goes hand in hand with the rapid acquisition of technical skills.

Taylor (1999) proposes that such engagement can result in the development of a “collector syndrome”, characterised by the compulsive acquisition of pictures. "All of these factors can come together and we see the emergence of the 'collector syndrome,' the compulsive acquisition of pictures for their own sake, rather than a discriminating selection. I believe some of the recent seizures of child pornography collections involving many thousands of pictures illustrate this.” (Taylor,1999) This concept is supported by Young (1998), who describes a distinct clinical concept of Internet addiction characterised by:
• excessive online activity
• a sense of exhilaration and competency as technical mastery and navigational ability improves
• predominant use of two way communication functions (i.e. chat rooms, multi-user dimensions, newsgroups or email)
• significant academic, relationship, financial and occupational disruptions.

The above excerpts were from a study on child pornography. Taylor says he and his reseachers have one of the largest collections of child pornography in the world, at 50,000 images. None of mine are child porn or anything illegal (if it's illegal, I probably find it a turn-off in the first place), but, my porn collection is over 500,000 pics and movies. Ten times bigger than what a researcher believes is one of the biggest collections in the world. I do not possess nor view even one picture of child porn - it is a line I will not cross. I don't even look out of curiousity. Child porn is as wrong as wrong can be; it injures a child, and childhood sexual abuse has really hurt people very dear to me; I wish I could erase their experiences with a wave of a magic wand. Besides which, I don't find prepubescent humans sexual. 20 year olds are hot looking, but a 16 year old with no boobs or ass yet and a child's face is really nothing to get hot and bothered about. She probably is not that interested in sex yet. On the other hand, 35 and 40 year olds are really hot, in a purely sexual way. And they are a lot more likely to know their own sexual responses and be a lot more comfortable with their own body and with their partner's. And best of all, they are in their sexual prime, so they're more horny than ever.

I think that is why pedophiles and child molesters are interested in little kids: the mature, sexual women are scary if you're timid. If you don't feel like a man with a man's appetite for a full grown woman with big tits, big ass, big thighs, and a voracious sexual appetite, you might feel like she's going to embarass you. Me, I respond to exaggerated secondary sex characteristics. Sure, girls who work out all the time and have a small, round butt look incredible, but when I see a girl with a big, fleshy ass (well, I do want it to be round) and a nice soft tummy, my dick wakes up with an Ed MacMahon HELL-LOoooo! Maybe that's why I also like girls with small tits and big asses; it's a way a small girl can look very sexy to me. I even read an article about a porn star (Alyiah) who ran an escort service back East, specializing in blonde girls with small tits and big asses.

When I was about seven, in the mid/late 1970's, my mom taught at my elementary school, so during the summer, she'd be there, and sometimes I'd go with, and hang out or explore, since I didn't have much else to do. I liked hanging out with the receptionist, who was an absolute '70's beauty. She was in college, so she must have been 19 or 20. I still remember her as if it were yesterday. Tan skin, golden and brown Farrah Fawcett hairdo, huge brown eyes, long red nails. She would talk to me as she sat around filing her nails and answering the phone those rare times it would ring. One day we went to the pool together; I think she wanted to lay out. She wore a red and white diagonally striped two piece string bikini, and she was an absolute knockout. Round boobs, wide hips.... I felt something I didn't understand inside. All I knew was I wanted her. Not meaning "wanted to fuck her." No, all I knew was that something inside me hurt, my heart hurt, and I felt a primal urging to do something. I didn't even know WHAT. I just felt an insistent urge, like when you have to pee or are famished or thirsty and your body keeps telling you to do something about it.

Over the years I've thought about contacting her. She still lives in town. My mom knows where she works. I recently casually asked my mom about her. She seemed to have a dim view of her and gave me the impression the woman was a ditz, or something not great.

Tell that to my penis.

Even so, I haven't contacted her, and it's been 28 years or so. Now I'm 35 and she's probably 48. Hopefully she still has her looks. They say life passes most people by while they're making grand plans for it. The same is true for me. I was planning to do a few things when I was 26. Now I'm still planning and it's coming up on 10 years later. So in a way I hope I contact her. Just to change things.

“…With this hobby we get bored after a while with the usual and we risk a bit to get new stuff or actual experience. It’s a natural progression. Like stealing. You start small. Get bored. Go for bigger stuff…” (Taylor, 1999; p. 5),

Speaking of stealing in general, I do try to avoid doing it, but, I am pretty good at it. I go to the plant nursery to buy five palm trees, and tell the checkout person, "I'm not going to bring them all up now, can you just ring me up for five, and I'll back my truck up?" Sure, of course, sir, no problem. Then I take six or so. If you walk out like a doofus absorbed in your thoughts and not like a guilty "trying to look innocent" person, nobody will even look twice. You can walk up to almost any sort of situation and if you look very matter of fact and even bored, people will assume you're supposed to be there. Anyway, another method at the nursery is, I'll buy some King palms and some Imperial palms - if I were to get caught (which I never am, not that I make a practice of stealing), I'd become "confused." The clincher would be "I would have felt like an idiot bringing the plant back, because, I don't even have ROOM for one extra palm in my little garden!"

Or at a take-out restaurant, if you order two small items and the person behind the counter says "Are you number 37?" as they slide a giant bag of food across the counter, you say "Yes, I am." Again, if questioned, act normal, just, be "confused." "Huh? 37? Yeah, see, here's my receipt." "Actually this says you are 43." "Huh? Oh! Ha ha, yeah I was zoning out or I woulda noticed how darn big that bag of food is. No way I could eat all that! I woulda got home and been like 'Whaaat??' Ok, cool, thanks!"

I once talked my way out of a felony I had committed. I was in the back of the police car and I just acted very nice but confused, like a complete doofus. Eventually the cop said, "Look, you seem like a nice guy, just a little... " shakes his head, not wanting to be mean to an idiot, "Look, just get the hell out of here. Any other cop would haul you off to jail and tow your car, but just, get the hell out of my sight." "Yes sir, I'm sorry, I mean, I didn't mean t-, I mean I would never- I don't - ok anywayz thanks!" Yeah, right.

Now, when I say to act confused, I don't mean ACT confused, because that's a dead giveaway. You probably are a bad actor. I am. What you have to do is BE confused. Do what a confused person would do. And to do that you have to actually BE confused. Take all your thoughts and stick them away someplace where they can only whisper faint suggestions to you through a padded tube. You need to actually become the lie.

If you want to act innocent, when the cops show up at your door and ask you to come down to the station, don't say "Sure!" and grab your keys, to show how innocent and willing you are to prove your innocence. A real innocent person would go "To the station? Why??" and "Yeah but what'd I do? I mean you actually think I d- Am I under arrest?!" and "Do I have to go? I mean, I don't know what all you are thinking but I don't even want to get involved in your investigation. I'm sorry if I can't help you but a police station is about the last place I want to be. If you have any questions you want to ask me now, or if you want to take my number and call me, I guess that's fine, but, you know, I mean, come on." Just act exactly as if a cop came to your door and asked you to come down to the station to talk about some crime you DIDN'T do. 'What? Hell no!'

This approach works for lying to women, too. They always say how the socipaths and con men who were the most convincing, seemed to be totally genuine. This is how they do it.

I don't do it out of being a sociopath or wanting to take money from a woman - as I said before, I would never. No, I do it for the love, and to give them love.

.

Smooth Criminal

2005-05-16T00:43:00.000-07:00

..."non-aggressive" pornography (pornography prominently available in mainstream market), that which excludes rape and violence but graphically depicts all other forms of sex (group, homosexual, switching, anal, oral, etc.) was found to:

desensitize the viewers to the material's breaking of sexual taboos, causing the viewers to become more accepting of it and much less concerned about its negative effects;
cause the viewers to regard rape as a more trivial offense, with men particularly showing major increases of sexual callousness toward women;
increase the viewers' loss of compassion for women as rape victims. In a sense, then, this kind of pornography as male entertainment promotes the victimization of women.

- Dr. Victor Cline, University of Utah

The other day the wife, baby, and I, and her parents, went to the botanical gardens. I was wearing a Cuban-style hat (a sort of a bowler but in straw, not rough straw like a peasant's hat or something, but high quality straw kind of like a wicker chair), and a vintage short sleeve shirt, untucked. It wasn't a Guayabera but the overall effect was sort of 50's-hip-vintage-cuban.

I was filming a bunch of different stuff with my customized video camera which now looks pretty different and unusual in a neat way - that sounds lame but you'll see what I mean in a minute. Anyway it has a great big long lens on it. Without fail, someone will see it and ask me what it is. The day before, the day where I met the deviant coffee chick, three people asked me about it in an hour and a half, and almost everybody else swiveled their necks to check it out. It's interesting, I was thinking it would look ridiculous to have such a monster lens on it but it worked out differently.

Anyway the next day at the gardens, a bunch of people asked me about the camera again. I got separated from the family unit - they went another direction without telling me, which went over real well with me - and as I was walking along a narrow, covered garden path I passed by two hip looking girls in their late 20's/early 30's. One was a tall brunette with a sort of bob haircut, smallish tits, cute face, and the other was chestnut-haired in sort of a Jennifer Aniston cut, pretty average, though on paper she was the prettier one. Still, she didn't do anything for me.

Anyway, the neon sign went off in my head, buzzing: GIRLS .........GIRLS ......... GIRLS ......... GIRLS...but as always I played it cool. I made eye contact with the tall one as I walked by, and she stopped mid-sentence and did a double-take to look at me as I walked by. Then they continued talking, more hurriedly, in hushed tones.

I kept walking but I noticed they had gotten up and had sort of rushed to catch up to me. "Is that a camera?" the shorter one asked. I could tell they thought I was cute and was a boyfriend candidate for one of them, and maybe something else. I started explaning what I had built, and the tall one said, "She's a photographer," indicating the brown-haired one. She sort of fumbled around explaining how it was her previous job (yeah right) and that she is now an actress. "We're both actresses, actually." Oh really. Sounds perfect. Or not! Actresses have to be the biggest problem-girlfriends there are. Them and strippers. Well, strippers/prostitutes/porn stars. I could already tell they were more interested in being the center of attention than in listening to me. Anyway I bantered with them for a while, and the subject turned toward independant films. "Garden State blew my mind," said the tall one. I mentioned the soundtrack and the shorter one said, "Ooh, I have to get that." Tall one responded with, "Oh, we have it, I'll... " she paused. Had she just accidentally said 'we' and blown it? Was she looking to cheat on her boyfriend/husband, and/or move on? She wasn't wearing a ring. And, neither was I. "I'll let you copy it."

They had caught me off guard, "slippin'," or I would have conducted myself differently and gotten their phone numbers or email addresses, and found a way to plant a seed to explain the situation if they happened to see me or had seen me already, with the family. In the end, I was worried that I'd turn around and the family would be right behind me, so I didn't ask for their numbers. They invited me out to ice cream with them, but I said I had to catch up with the people I was with. They told me their full names, though. I should have at least gotten their email addresses.

I've been reading some camera and video and camcorder forums lately, and I notice this one guy trying to customize his camcorder like mine. Here's what he just wrote:

The problem is this : I live in Canada and although $7.50 is very inexpensive, I have to factor in shipping to Canada, money exchange and wait time. So $7.50 end up being like $20+ for something that might be marred, marked or scratched - a second that might be in the end, useless - whereas making one, I can scrour places today and find what I need. Yes, maybe it will be a waste of time, but it will be a grand adventure and learning experience.

That sums up most of the Canadians I have known. Not all, but most. They're willing to waste time and a little bit of money by choosing what they know is the wrong thing, and then try to excuse it by justifying it. I know this guy who wants to build a really fast car, by buying something sporty and dropping in a huge, heavily modified engine. He told me he's contemplating buying this scabrous old beater, just a complete rust bucket, sitting in the snow with a ruined interior, hole in the body, flat tires, the whole deal. Why? Because he can get it for $500. I pointed out how if he spent $1,000 on a better instance of the same car, he'd be way ahead. He agreed, but said something about how he had given the guy his word that he'd buy the car by saying "Ok, I think I want it" over the phone. Give me a break. If you want to masturbate by buying a car (you're just doing it because it feels good) then be a man (or woman) and just declare "I'm buying this piece of shit because I feel like it. You don't like the idea? I don't give a shit!" At least then it'll be only one thing to be ashamed of: the waste of money, rather than two things: the stupid decision AND the lame justifications.

Fresh Meat

2005-05-14T23:29:00.000-07:00

I was kind of hoping my recently dimished libido would curtail my interest in other women. But today, on a trip to a nearby seaside tourist town, I found myself gawking at all manner of hot women, imagining and wishing.

At coffee I saw a fairly cute chick behind the counter. She pulled a couple of klutzy fumbles one right after another, dropping product and then scalding herself, and I smiled at her. When I went to wait at the pickup counter, I started bullshitting with her and flirting, hoping she didn't see my wife and child on the sidewalkoutside.

I asked her what the kanji tattoo behind her ear was. She replied, "Deviant" with a sort of devilish but sheepish grin. I thought, "Hm. Maybe she's into bondage." I correctly identified another one, a symbol, a band's logo, on her inner wrist. I asked her how many others she had. "Ten." I asked how much work was done on her back, since that's a pretty common place to get stuff. "A fair amount, but none on my lower back. I don't want to look like some sorority girl." I'm liking her more already.

She asks, "What's up with the decaf?" with a skeptical "are you shitting me?" grin. I used my most devilish smile, the one that never fails, and said, "When you have a lot of vices, you gotta... cut back wherever you can." She beamed.

Then I noticed the inside of her other arm. Red, diagonal welts. Hmm!

When I left, she made a point of saying, "Ok, see you later, (insert my name). Come back any time." Oh, I will. I will make a point of it.

I left, but tasting it, realized it needed lots of sugar or something, so I went in and over toward her area of the counter, where the condiments were. She told me again, "See you, _______,"
"I'll see you again." Oh yes, I will.

I bet I won't even have to try too hard to lie my way around, or out of, the wife and child situation. I wish I were wanting to resist the temptation but right now I don't feel it.

.

Jesus Christ

2005-05-14T23:27:00.000-07:00

11:27 at night and the phone rings. It's my mother-in-law. "Were you guys asleep?"
I'm thinking, yes, and so was our INFANT. Key being, Yes, we WERE. You fucking woke us up! Jesus Christ, doesn't anyone respect the cutoff any more?

That's like shaking someone awake and asking "Were you asleep?" Well I fucking WAS!

Bad Grammar

2005-05-14T12:15:00.000-07:00

God I hate bad grammar. You see, since I look at things analytically and literally, I get confused when people say stuff like "We granted a pass into Jason's personal hell and were able to film graphic scenes of a “real” celebrity in crisis with his addiction."
So I go "You granted a pass?"
"Yeah."
"To whom?"
"Huh?"
"You said you granted a pass. To whom did you grant this pass?"
"yeah, we granted a pass, he let us in."
"Ohhhhhhh you mean you WERE granted a pass." Not being a jerk, it just finally hits me what they meant (as it was so different from what they said). But of course they think I'm being sarcastic so they say "Fine, mister grammar. Whatever. Man, you're a dick."

DANGER - PORN.......¡CUIDADO, PORNOGRAFIA!

2005-05-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

I swear, I need to be so careful. I was trying to actually get some stuff done today, like clean up around the computer and around the house, and finish these little things that have been bugging the hell out of me for months. When I went to put my shoes on, I thought, "I'll just sit in my chair at the computer to put them on." And then I thought, "Why not just surf a LITTLE porn, just for a moment?" Luckily I avoided it by getting up and starting to take the trash out and so on. But I only got like literally 60 seconds of work done before I sat down at the computer, thinking, "She'll be home soon, so I'll just rub one out real quick, to take care of my needs, so it's not bugging me later that I didn't do it when I could have."

My computer crashed last week and I don't have my normal arsenal of porn-downloading tools re-installed yet. I would, but I don't want to waste even a moment doing an install and a restart, and then have her come home, while I'm saying "Damn! I should have been downloading porn instead of installing software!" The ironic part is, it takes me many times longer to do it all by hand (pardon the pun) than it would take to reinstall my porn-gathering software.

Anyway my attempt to be productive today didn't work. I'm looking at the files I hurriedly downloaded, one at a time, by hand. The files start at:
5/13/2005 11:01 AM

and end at:
5/13/2004 12:12 PM

182 movies and clips; 277.3 megabytes of porn. All downloaded one at a time. I haven't even seen most of them; probably only a third. I wonder whether I ever will.

THE EFFECTS AND DANGERS OF PORNOGRAPHY:

2005-05-13T01:00:00.000-07:00

Those who treat pornography victims report that many who are exposed to pornography progress through four stages:

ADDICTION: This addiction of the mind can be as powerful as any drug, alcohol, or cigarette addiction of the body. Flashbacks are also experienced.
ESCALATION: Need for rougher and more sexually shocking material in order to get the same sexual stimulation as before.
DESENSITIZATION: With continued exposure, what at first was gross, shocking and disturbing becomes acceptable and commonplace.
ACTING OUT: There is an increased tendency to start "acting out" the sexual activities seen in the pornography.

What was first fantasy, in time, becomes reality. All sexual deviations - the best evidence suggests - are learned. This often happens through a pattern of "masturbatory conditioning." What is viewed is first masturbated to at the fantasy level then later acted out in real life behaviour. This in my clinical experience nearly always disturbs the individuals' marriage or psychological equilibrium.

- Dr. Victor Cline, University of Utah

Lost. And Found.

2005-05-12T16:38:00.000-07:00

Female, 21
Natchitoches, LA United States

I am trying to overcome internet pornography. I hope to use this victory as a testimony in the future. Right now, I would like to use this journal to reach people who are going through the same thing as me. I will post everyday my web activity, and how I did with avoiding pornography.

7.27.2003

Day 1

Hi, it's my first day. If you read the description, you know that I'm logging my attempts to avoid pornography. Today, I didn't look at porn, as I spent the day with my family. I signed up for a free online course to help me overcome my addiction. For anyone who would like to try it, the site is www.settingcaptivesfree.com This seems like a good program. I am going to talk to my friend Sam tomorrow. He knows about my addiction and has been trying to help me through it. I'm going to list him as the person to e-mail my answers to the course to.

Posted on 7.27.2003 at 4:15 AM

7.28.2003

Day 2

I didn't really do anything with my struggle today, but I didn't struggle with it either. I had a really busy day, so I didn't get near a computer before about half an hour ago. I talked to my preacher this morning, and next Sunday morning, I am going to make a public profession of my faith in church. That's about it. Oh yeah, I told another person about my struggle, as I needed to use her computer to do the course at www.settingcaptivesfree.com Please remember to e-mail me if you are going through the same thing: dede02_2000@yahoo.com

Posted on 7.28.2003 at 1:09 AM

7.29.2003

Day 3

Okay, I forgot to do one yesterday, I had a really busy day. Nothing really happened with my struggle though. I did the course in front of a friend, because I was at his house spending the night with his sister, and I had to get it done. I don't think he noticed, but I had gotten to the point that I knew I had to do it, because I didn't want to lose focus and fall again. I spent the day with friends. My old roommate, Jenna, came up from home. She had her neice and nephew with her, and I kept them for a couple of hours while she got some business taken care of. Afterwards, I went to another friend's house and went swimming for the longest time. Then we watched Cinderella II, and I left. I came home, and was woken up this morning by the little girl I babysit, at 6:30 in the morning, I was an unhappy camper. Then I got online and did my coursework for the day.

Posted on 7.29.2003 at 7:28 AM

No further entries.

Sexual Addiction

2005-05-12T15:53:00.000-07:00

The four-phase addiction cycle: preoccupation, ritualization, sexual compulsiveness, and despair can repeat itself unhindered and take over the addict's life, attacking the person's values, priorities and loved ones. Sex addiction usually accompanies other addictions and 81% of addicts were abused sexually as children.

Indication is for every 3 male sex addicts there is 1 female sex addict.

How can one determine when sexual behaviour is addictive? Signs of compulsive sexuality are when the behaviour can be described as follows:

1. It is SECRET. Anything that cannot pass public scrutiny will create the shame of a double life.
2. It is ABUSIVE to self or others. Anything that is exploitive or harmful to others, or degrades oneself, will activate the addictive system.
3. It is used to avoid or is a source of painful FEELINGS. If sexuality is used to alter moods, or results in painful mood shifts, it is clearly part of the addictive process.
4. It is EMPTY of a caring, committed relationship. Fundamental to the whole concept of addiction and recovery is the healthy dimension of human relationships.

- Dr. Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.

Cheaters

2005-05-12T00:40:00.000-07:00

I really have more disdain than ever for cheaters. I don't even want to be one. I don't even log onto singles sites any more, not really. I do if I need to get off, but even then, it's like, not as good of a fantasy because I know I don't have the energy - or the means - to date them. I'm not working right now so I can't spend lots of money on them, nor do I have an excuse to be away from home in the first place.

But bigger than that, I just don't really have the desire right now, I don't think. It just seems like such a waste of time, and so sleazy.

But I don't know. Maybe it will change when I am raking it in again and am away from home, away from my rut. I am totally over the idea of romancing women, or even wanting to sleep with them, but at the same time, I watch a romantic movie and hear a very catchy song and my heart says Oh man I would love to be in love.

I think I'm about to start looking for work so we'll see what happens.

Hookups And Horses' Asses

2005-05-10T11:20:00.000-07:00

So I went on a bunch of errands with the wife and baby yesterday. I swear it's either getting easier and easier to pull chicks, or I am getting better at noticing opportunities.

We got food at this place in a food court in one of the ritzier malls in Southern California - a place where the food court has no fast food, only restaurants with prepared food, type thing. Anyway this mexican girl behind the counter was all flirty with me, and then my wife walked up, but even so, the girl was still on me. Every time I went back to the counter to buy a water or get napkins or whatever, the girl was all over me. When I was leaving she still was saying bye and looking at me walk off and stuff.

Anyway I have this fucking dipshit on the phone. I bought something from this company and I just asked whether the ebay guy shipped it. He said, "Well I got it in my hand, let me go ask my guy if he shipped it."

I replied, "Well, if it's in your hand, it didn't ship, did it?"
"Well uh... yeah I guess we can ship it out today....."

Gee, ya THINK SO?

You fuckin' idiot.

He also complained that they lost money, and told me what they paid. I said "Well I guess you should have listed it with the starting bid at your cost, shouldn't you?" He gave me that stupid fake hearty, "Nawwww we can't do that!" Right, you can't, because you are too fucking stupid. He continued, "But I can complain, can't I? hyuk hyuk hyuk." Yes, you can do that. You can also never get my business again you miserable piece of shit.

I didn't even bother to point out that he didn't respond to my emails asking if they had other specific items I would have bought from them. So on the phone I just asked him again for those items and he said "I'd have to go check." Translation, 'I will never call you back. Why would I? I'm too lazy to even check now!'

Fuckin' jerk. Jackass. Please god let him not be an owner of that store. He doesn't deserve it.

Human Rights

2005-05-05T08:25:00.000-07:00

Man, how depressing. I was just downloading some porn from a site featuring rough, gagging blowjobs. Not a pay site; I never pay for porn. The site offers short clips of content, and I found a way to download all the little clips and join them together into the large, original movie.

Anyway this chick had a tattoo on her arm which looked to say "In Loving Memory of My Dad," with a picture of what looks to be a 1950's Ford pickup truck. My God how depressing. Poor girl.

Ironically I was also simultaneously looking at website for a women's rights organization. My ex-girlfriend, my first real girlfriend, worked there for what looks to be a few weeks or something, earlier this year. One moment she was on the roster as a head honcho and another moment she's not. I haven't spoken to her of course. It's been 13 years since I've seen her. I know where she worked because I check her out on the internet from time to time. I'm proud of her. Considering the fact that she had been molested by her dad, his brother (her uncle), and their dad (her grandfather), she is doing pretty well despite the self-destructive tendencies her abuse created.